terrible terrible guilt over debts

dancingfairy

O.k you're in a tough situation and I think you're going to need some specialist help on this one. It's very difficult to know from here whether he genuinely has mental health problems or is using it as a way to try and control you - either way it's not good.
Your first priority has to be to yourself and your son. You need to try and keep yourself together and as sane and strong as possible - you've already shown those skills already and you're intelligent as well.
I might suggest talking to the Samaritans in confidence or phoning a domestic violence/womens aid charity - just to chat things through anonymouly and work out what help you need/want at the moment. There is no need to decide you have to leave your partner right now but just chatting it all through with people who are there for you and get things off your chest and let you see things more clearly. What I would do is take out enough money to make sure you can keep yourself fed at the moment just in case everything goes tits up.
Have you got any family/relatives? perhaps you and your son can go and stay for a few days to get a bit of breathing space?
I don't know if you want to clear the internet history on your computer in case your partner sees this thread - you don't need him going off on one whilst you are getting your head together.
df

eyeopener2

Hi
I can't add a lot but could you just do the DMP anyway? Start the process with CCCS (use the Debt Remedy first to give you an idea of how long this will take) and then just tell you partner when your up and running. I know this is easier said than done but you have tpo do something. You cannot continue like this.

Unless, that is, your scared of his reaction which means you have to get out of the relationship, one way or another.

E2

CH27

summerstreetallotments wrote: »

...thanks...yes I'd love to leave...but I would be homeless as this house is in joint names...last time I tried to leave he attempted suicide and spent 6.5 weeks in hospital...so ...yes...I am in a right mess...but for now I'm staying here and trying to sort out the debts....did talk to him earlier and he is still adamant that we continue to pay...owe about 15,000...a lot of that is buying stuff to make myself feel better...not going to do this anymore....x

Whose money is paying the debts?

summerstreetallotments

...Thanks...yes it's all difficult...cant leave as I have no family...brought up in Children's homes in the 60's...and am reluctant to contact a Domestic Violence charity as I used to work for them and live two doors down from the local refuge...I'm going to put up with this for now and try to get on top of the debts...it is mainly my money that has been spent and I'll be doing all the repayment...he couldn't cope with it as he doesn't understand paying bills ( I know this sounds pathetic but if I didn't do it nothing would ever get paid)...he really is only interested in the price of alcohol...I dont think he'll see this thread as he's not great on computers...I know the mess I'm in..just want to sort out the debt and then reassess everything...it's been a great weight on my shoulders for years..all this buying and spending to compensate...for...other things.....x

CH27

By continuing to moddlycoddle him you are enabling the situation to perpetuate.

katsu

dancing fairy gave some good advice for you.

If he doesn't understand money will he really understand what being on a DMP means?

Call a national charity not a local one if you don't want local people to know. Talk to the samaritans or google Womens Aid.

Your life is precious and you don't deserve to live under so much pressure - find support to help you cope.

Firewalker

Guilt is a useless and wastful emotion; it is also very destructive because it can paralyse you so you just feel more and moree depressed but do not act.

Interestingly, guilt can be overcome by learning and acting. In your shoes what I would have done (what in fact I did) is the following:

1) Try to calm down and use all possible techniques know to humankind (deep breathing, visualising, self suggetsion and, why not, medication)
2) Pinpoint where you stand - this means that you have to learn about you finances and personal finace generally. As a start work out (but honestly and exactyl) you income, expenditure, possessions, assets and liabilities. This will give you a good idea of where you stand. Be warned though, it is a bit like standing on weighing scales and not liking the reading.
3) Keep calm (using above mentioned)
4) Start thinking: a) how to reduce your outgoings (this includes paying debt); b) how to increase your income (this seems hard but is always possible). The general rule is that you should aim to live on about 60% of what comes in the house as income (this should cover everything except dept repayment), use 25% for repayments and 5% to build an emergency fund. I can hear you saying that 25% won't go very far as dept repayment - this is where dmp comes in the picture (it is about negotiating repayment rather than defaulting). Failing to use this system and continuing on the road you are on means that you are getting deeper into dept and all that comes after (deeper into guilt, deeper in depression etc.). The 60% will have to be subject to a struct budget and personal fiance overhaul (there is loads of advice here and it may be worth reading some diaries where people share their experience).
5) You will have to take control of all this - if your OH does not munderstand or care about the finances of the household you will have to do it.
6) Doing the stuff I mentioned above is also border line edictive - so it is likely that it will displace your shopping ediction.

Hope you do find your centre soon.

Firewalker

dancingfairy

I've had a few thoughts on this.
O.K you seem to have decided a dmp is the way forward for you right now. Unfortunately your husband is not willing/able to support you in this so you are going to have to find the strength to stop the debts getting worse and get that dmp set up and be the responsible one for your family.
Next you might want to think through how he'll react -will your husband be quiet and moody? will he go down the pub? will he shout and rant and rave etc. Depending on how you think he will react you can plan how you will deal with it. You will need to be strong and try and step back from his emotion and response. You are doing the right thing and you need to keep firmly in your mind why you are doing this - however he reacts.
If the threat of domestic violence, being homeless or your husband trying to commit suicide are real threats then you will need to work out how you will deal with these. This is where I think it will be helpful to get some real proper help - chat things through anonymously.
You have the strength to sort this -you've already posted on here and you can get your family through this.
The other thing I would say is that your husband reaction is his - you cannot control him. Sometimes people are so set on self-destruct that no matter what you say, do or however much you love someone it doesn't make any difference. At some point you need to start protecting yourself and your son. I am not saying you should leave him but you need to get some strategies in place to protect yourself.
Take Care
df

jwil

If you've been shopping to make yourself feel better - do you have a lot of 'stuff' you can sell? It would give you a bit of spare cash in the meantime whilst you get things sorted out.

Don't feel guilty about your debts, what's done is done. All you can do is move forward and you'll get them cleared.

ghostmadlittlemiss

summerstreetallotments wrote: »

...Thanks...yes it's all difficult...cant leave as I have no family...brought up in Children's homes in the 60's...and am reluctant to contact a Domestic Violence charity as I used to work for them and live two doors down from the local refuge...I'm going to put up with this for now and try to get on top of the debts...it is mainly my money that has been spent and I'll be doing all the repayment...he couldn't cope with it as he doesn't understand paying bills ( I know this sounds pathetic but if I didn't do it nothing would ever get paid)...he really is only interested in the price of alcohol...I dont think he'll see this thread as he's not great on computers...I know the mess I'm in..just want to sort out the debt and then reassess everything...it's been a great weight on my shoulders for years..all this buying and spending to compensate...for...other things.....x

You say you used to work for a domestic violence charity. Try to look at your situation as an outsider would. If you'd been at work and a woman had contacted you saying that she was in debt, couldn't afford the full repayments and to feed herself and her family at the same time but her partner was forcing her to pay them anyway, her partner drank heavily and took no interest in her financial problem and she was afraid to leave because her and her son had nowhere to go, what would you have advised her to do?
Kayleigh