terrible terrible guilt over debts

summerstreetallotments

O.K....How do I cope with the guilt that I feel regarding the debts that I have built up - but cannot pay...I am still borderline suicidal (am on a high dosage of anti-depressants)...and am still trying to pay everything...even though this means that I have to buy food on the card...as I've spent all our cash in trying to make the monthly payment...I feel terrible, really guilty...my partner insists that we continue paying and dont default ...I feel we really have to go for a d.m.p...which I've checked out on the C.C.C.S. site...I am so scared and cant think of anything except for the mess that we're in which is all down to me......help please......

Heyman_2

Sorry to hear about your ongoing situation - but spending all your money on debt repayments and leaving yourselves nothing for food which is a basic human requirement is not going to solve anything, and your partner needs to see that. Have you really laid it all out for him - i.e. how much you're having to pay back and the fact that there's nothing left for food???

You can't saw sawdust - what's happened has happened and you can't go back and change any of it. You need to get a hold of your thoughts and take control of them and focus on just 2 things - saving your relationship and getting your financial situation sorted. By the sounds of things you need a debt management plan to tackle your debts and be able to have a roof over your head and food on the table. So the first thing is convincing your partner that it's the only way to go - do a 12 month projection of where you'll be if you carry on paying the maximum debt payments and putting food/everything else on your card. He needs to see that you can't carry on without getting the debt situation sorted to be more manageable.

The guilt is causing you to worry and it's consuming you - although what I'm about to say probably sounds ridiculous, there's a really good book called 'How to Stop Worrying and Start Living' by Dale Carnegie, should be in your local library and it will help you to focus and get your problems sorted out. You can also get it online for about £2-£3.

I hope at least some of that helps.

CH27

Why is your partner so against a DMP?

GeorgieFTB

Summer

You need to take a deep breath, yes you ran up some debts, this happens to the best of us, those that don't quite have the strength (I was going to write full deck of cards, but that could apply to so many on here!!!) to fight back often run up the largest debts.

Heyman is right, you need to work out where you will be in a years time, it sounds as though looking bankrupsy right in the face...

You need to work out the motivation of your partner, do they not want a bad credit history because they are worried about how it will look (no one will ever know), because they want to be able to get credit (are you really going to want it after you have cleared this lot?). Is the problem that there is moral obligation to pay your way, I agree with this and a DMP will pay back much more than a bankrupsy will. Or, and I not saying this is right I have just picked it up from your tone, to punish you for racking them up in the first place?

Once you have talked to your partner and found out what the objections are you will know how to argue your case, you are going to have to educate and if you really do need to do this push forward as you can't keep living like this.

Good luck, this forum is alway here if you need us.
Gx

dancingfairy

Seriously - you haven't murdered anyone or anything like that. Sure it's not great however I'm sure you had every intention of paying the money back when you borrowed it.
It might help to think what the money went on - was it to pay for family things? if so then your partner is guilty as well for not paying attention and thinking things cost nothing when that's clearly not the case.
Find me one person that has never screwed up or made a mistake? even our politicians have run up massive massive debt that we can't pay back at the moment. You are doing the right thing in trying to deal with it in a responsible way -you know that.
Stay Strong.
df

jayphe

Hi, I've read through your other posts, it's great that you've had a lightbulb moment. Are you comfortable with completing and posting a Statement of Affairs from the Make Sense of Cards website, if you're not comfortable posting it up then please go through it yourself anyway.

The only way I've been able to deal with guilt in the past is to face up to the problem and start dealing with it, set little goals along the way, write them down and each time you complete one and cross it off the list it's like a little weight lifted off your shoulders. In this instance I would suggest goals like;

- Completing a statement of affairs so you can see in black and white the financial situation
- Attending appointments with your GP to start dealing with the depression problem
- Talking to your son about the situation, I spotted in another post that your son is 15, he is almost an adult and may provide alternative support to your partner
- Contacting lenders to discuss freezing the accounts so you can't spend any more
- etc...

To give yourself a boost you could also include on the list of goals the things you have already completed
- [STRIKE]Have lightbulb moment[/STRIKE]
- [STRIKE]Talk to partner about it[/STRIKE]
- [STRIKE]Post about it on MSE[/STRIKE]
- [STRIKE]Research different ways of dealing with the debt[/STRIKE]
- [STRIKE]Cut up credit cards[/STRIKE]

Your posts make you sound like an intelligent, thoughtful person, so I'm sure you're more than capable of getting a handle on this.

quantic

Don't let it get to you. Its only money. Even if you lost everything you have, you could rebuild it all. Treat it as a business transaction and try to accept the situation.

summerstreetallotments

Thanks everyone..fact is...my partner is one of those men who has to have everything done for him re. money...he has no idea how much anything costs and never buys anything except alcohol...when I met him he was in rags and rent arrears because he wouldn't get out of the pub...he is like a child..he just thinks we can pay all this...although I've told him that we're paying out over £500 a month in repayments...he still thinks we can manage.......

theskewbald

OK, I'll probably get shot for this, but possibly ... leave the partner? Whose debts are you paying?
As for the guilt, look Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling sleep nights and what ever you ran up, it's pocket change by comparison!
You sound smart and brave and honest.
Do yourself a favour and act in your own best interests - I don't know what your other circumstances are, but when I was younger, no children etc, I know what I would have done! (skipped the country, since you ask )

chrissie52

fact is...my partner is one of those men who has to have everything done for him re. money...he has no idea how much anything costs and never buys anything except alcoho

In that case then I'm sorry, but I think he has the second part of his education coming up soon, courtesy of your good self....;)

You are obviously worried to death, don't, it's not worth it, it's only money.
You can get through this but I think you may have to TELL your partner that this is what you are going to do. It's all very well him saying no defaults, but if you haven't got food on the table, what then....:mad:
Glad you have had your LBM, do act on it, post an SOA and let the good folks on here help and support you. Never forget you're not alone, many of us have been where you are at one time or another.
Take care.

summerstreetallotments

...thanks...yes I'd love to leave...but I would be homeless as this house is in joint names...last time I tried to leave he attempted suicide and spent 6.5 weeks in hospital...so ...yes...I am in a right mess...but for now I'm staying here and trying to sort out the debts....did talk to him earlier and he is still adamant that we continue to pay...owe about 15,000...a lot of that is buying stuff to make myself feel better...not going to do this anymore....x