Speaking to ym partner about my debts

andymc29

I've been with my girlfriend for the last two years. She knows I have debts, and that I'm dealing with them. But doesn't want us to live together until they're cleared.

She doesn't know the amount of debt, and I'm scared that knowing the totals will scare her. The fact is two years ago I was in £27.5K of personal debt, and since then I've knocked it down to £8K, it should be cleared by around September this year.

She gets very depressed about things, especially her work (intensive care nurse) and her mum (widowed six years ago), and the last thing I want is my debts to be making that worse. So maybe being open with her about things mgith help her? I don't know what to do. She's never been in debt, and to her 8k might seem like a massive fortune. Should I carry on just telling her things are in hand or force her to let me tell her the figures???

nervousftb_3

Personally I don't think you need to tell her the amounts unless she asks you - in which case, don't lie to her! I would tell her when they will be paid off, and perhaps how much you have paid off already in terms of ercentages rather than actual figures so that she feels reassured that you are really tackling the debt and are nearly there. The only thing she really needs to know about is how your debt may affect her in the future - so is your credit rating very bad to the point where it may prevent you from renting somewhere together/being accepted for a mortgage? If you are ever to be financially linked in the future then she needs to have the full facts before she tarnishes her own credit rating by linking herself to you.

BTW, well done on shifting all those debts in such a short time!!

Plans_all_plans

If she's happy NOT knowing the figures, then carry on as you are. I don't see the point in telling her if she doesn't want to know, particularly if you feel she will be stressed about it.

Tell her that in 2 years you have knocked a massive amount of debt off and that you plan to be free of all debt by September this year.

The best thing you can do in my opinion is to always be truthful: so if by Sept you've not paid it all back, tell her and revise the date. Don't lie to her, but if she doesn't want to know the full extent of the debt, forcing her to hear it won't help.

puddy

is she asking you to tell her?

8k doesnt sound that much to be honest, you're obviously managing it and its going to be gone in 6 months, this all sounds veyr positive.

what may worry her is whether you have learnt your lesson, are you still impulsive, once the debt has gone will you start building up another one?

these are the things you need to work on and reassure her about

pinkclouds

I'm not sure. Personally, I'd be horrified to learn you owe 8 grand. However, if you could prove you've paid off such a vast amount and - most importantly - that it will be completely paid off by September, then that would be quite reassuring. Although, I'd be quite nervous until September when you could give a final reassurance that everything was totally cleared. (I think it would be infinitely more horrifying and rather scary to just learn of a huge debt and no fixed plans to pay it off.) Does that help at all?

RAS

What I cannot understand is why she refuses to live with you whilst you have debts?

Plans_all_plans

I wouldn't live with/marry someone in debt! No way! I'd want them to have everything clear so we could start afresh without worrying about letters/phone calls etc. Even though he's paying it off, I'd want him to have it totally clear before I considered moving in with him.

brians_daughter

First of all, congrats on clearing so much already!

Instead of figures why not use %?

Tell her that you have cleared around 70% of your debts and expect to be debt free just after the summer... maybe you would feel more comfortable doing this? And she would get comfort knowing you have cleared so much of a % and will have a date in mind when you should be df..all without divulging figures?

Errata

How about the conversation that goes 'You know what, before I met you I was clueless about money and spent it like water resulting in £27k of debt :eek: but thanks to being with you and being loved by you :A I've screwed my head on properly and now I only owe £8k :j which will be cleared by September :T. What shall we do to celebrate :beer: the difference you've made to my life?"

peachyprice

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I wouldn't live with/marry someone in debt! No way! I'd want them to have everything clear so we could start afresh without worrying about letters/phone calls etc. Even though he's paying it off, I'd want him to have it totally clear before I considered moving in with him.

But OP hasn't said anywhere they are bad debts.

The statement comes, OP pays it and over pays it, where do phone calls and letters come into the equation?

I too cannot see that as a reason for not moving in with you, sounds to me like a flimsy stalling tactic. It would be different if you were up to your eyeballs in CCJ's and bailiffs knocking at your door, but it doesn't sound like you are in that situation at all.

Well done for clearing so much in such a short space of time, I hope your GF doesn't put any more obstacles in the way of moving in together once your debt free September comes.

podperson

If she hasn't asked about the exact figures then it sounds like she doesn't really want to know - maybe because she knows that things get to her and thinks she might worry more then? If you've told her that the debts will be cleared by September and she is happy with that then why 'force' on her the details.