HELP! Renting flat vs staying at home...

puds1987

Hello,

I need a bit of advice (this may ramble on somewhat- apologies!)

I moved out of home to go to uni nearly 5 years ago. I met my boyfriend whilst there and after uni moved into a flat with him. We both went travelling and on our return decided it was time to save for a house so moved back into my mothers house. We pay rent (£300 a month) but live in a very central area so know that is rather good. However, it has become increasingly hard to save for the deposit, I have been working to clear my debt first (on top of that so wont add to the drama!) before being able to put away and so far have only managed to pay back my overdraft! This means realistically buying our own house is a long way off. Living at home is ok, but considering the freedom we once had, feels very restricted (having to let mum know where I am going and when I will be home etc...!!) and my boyfriend finds it very hard to chill out on his days off (has a very stressful job-arent they all!). To add to the misery of living at home, I caught my mother going through my phone yesterday as I was in the shower (hadnt turned my alarm off, ran out to prevent waking the whole house and caught her red handed!) This has obviously caused a rift at the moment, with my boyfriend in the middle! Though this isnt a national emergancy, I feel my small amount of privacy has been invaded and the trust we once had gone...

Currenlty we could afford to move out... JUST but would be very pushed. I am on £18k and my boyfriend is on £26k. After all the cc repayments and other outgoings (which have already been limited as much as poss) our joint 'live on' budget a month is approx £600. So very tight. However in 2 weeks I start a new £26k job so will be earning a lot more a month. Obviously moving out in itself costs money and I think it would pay to our dream of buying a house, but I am approaching mid 20s, my bf is approaching 30... we need to move our lifes on... for a flat near the area we live now a 1 bed is £750PCM

The plot thickens...

If we move out mum will be on her own, and financially she relies on the rent we give her to contribute to the mortgage, so will possibly have to move house. She would be very lonely... she sold her car to share mine and gave me money as a downpayment which I would have to repay (£2k).

My sister couldnt cope with living at home and moved out last year, and it broke mums heart... is it selfish to do it to her again? Or should I just get on with my life as an adult...

Sorry to ramble and if you need further mathmatical figures to help me make a decision I will oblige!

Thank you if you do take time to read this...

poppysarah

You need to do a SOA and work out exactly what you spend your money on now and how you can save more.

You sound like you're in a fix though if your mum is relying on you for car/mortgage help.

Opinion

Sounds like your mum has driven away, and is driving away. I think that says a lot?

yanda

I'd first try to sit down and talk to your mother about the privacy issues and see if something amicable can be resolved. It seems your mum still wants to treat you like a teenager when she needs to make sure she treats you as an adult, although going by your sisters outcome its probably not looking good.

Have you looked into moving into a shared house with your boyfriend? Would be cheaper than renting on your own and you'd have more freedom to come and go as you please? Some of my friends in their mid-30s do this and its a lot different to student houseshares (as long as you dont move into a student house of course!)

easy

I think you need to sit down with your Mum, and have a good long talk about lots of things, including your privacy and her dependence on you.

BUT .. don't start with an accusation - "you were going thru my phone".

How about talking more about medium- to long-term plans? As in "mum you know Fred and I are saving up for our own house? What would you be planning to do when we move out?" kind of thing.

Then maybe the talk could move towards making your current situation better, making the house more suitable for two indepedent sets of people to each live their own lives - so that when you DID move out, Mum would be able to take in a lodger or something - but you would feel more comfortable staying longer.

Do you understand what I mean?

puds1987

Thank you to all those who have replied so far!

The conversation does need to occur (that will be fun) but I am still unsure of what I want the outcome to be. In an ideal world, we would rent our own flat, but all this little factors come into play.

Mum is unsure of taking in a lodger for safety reasons... which for a woman on her own I can understand, but we have local colleges that I have suggested the register with to take students, but she is never too keen. the house isnt in good structual condition (cosmetically its ok, modernish, but no double glazing, 30 year old kitchen etc etc) so I am unsure how much she would be able to ask for...

I feel like I am in a catch 22...

Hamish453

Hi Puds,

I think you should stay as long as you can stand it (! sorry but it sounds awful, real emotional blackmail!) at your mums, £300 a month is a lot less than £700ish. You just have to keep the end game in sight - your own flat/house!! Obviously if it gets too much then move out and rent and continue to save - sounds like it wouldnt be too bad on your new salaries, but obviously just slower than if you were still at home. Personally i'd have a sit down with the mother and explain your plans - you HAVE to be selfish, this is your life you're talking about and she can't expect to have a daughter living with her forever (spesh if she snoops!) and you have to think about your boyf as well, must be even tougher for him. So I'd just make sure you keep her informed of your plans - short term and long term (stay with her for while then rent then buy or stay with her then buy - you'll need to do your sums, if its going to take years to save a deposit id say staying with her that long wasnt feasible but maybe my own mother is clouding my judgement!!) then you can both plan and help each other decide whats best.

Good luck!! :-)

hazyjo

A friend of mine has been talking about moving out since I've known her (she was in her mid 30s when I first met her). She's now 52 and still there... All this cos her mum sends her on a guilt trip each time she's mentioned it or started the ball rolling. Her mum suffers with poor (mental) health - there's nothing physically wrong.

It's affected every relationship my friend's had and she basically runs and pays for the house which she can't afford and is in debt and her own sanity is being compromised. Her mum doesn't want to move, doesn't/can't work, and puts a lot of blame my friend's way. My friend's brother got out years ago but objects to his sister (my friend) leaving so she gets it in the neck off him and his family when she talks about selling the 'family home'. The father died many years ago.

All very catch-22. I've been telling her to move out for the last 15+ years and have now given up with the conversation.

It is not your responsibility to support your mum - same as you wouldn't expect her to pay towards your mortgage if you bought somewhere. If she can't afford the house on her own (presuming she is on her own), would she maybe consider moving into a flat or a cheaper house?

Not meaning to sound harsh - but I think you need to get out as soon as possible and rent. Will be a while before you can buy, but there's no rush for that. Keep your relationship with your mum intact and healthy - the longer you're there, the more you risk a massive fall-out. She will become more dependent on you and it will be harder for you to leave.

Good luck.

Jx

rexmedorum

It's a tricky one. I lived with my mother, moved out for a foreign internship and returned after. Things were different. I got used to having much more freedom, but my mum was great as she relised this and tried very hard to give me much more freedom than before.

Living on their own changes a person. And in my view returning can only work if both parties realise this and try to adapt to it.

Schwade

I think £300 a month is good money to pay so that your mum and you develop healthy independent lives. You aren't a kid anymore.

climbgirl

You say you're finding it hard to save for the deposit in the current situation - this will only get worse if you move out! It's never going to be as cheap to live as it is in your current situation - so stick it out as long as you can stand it!

On the more emotional points - you can't stick around forever just so your mum doesn't get lonely or can't afford that house without you. You are an adult and eventually (once you have that deposit saved!) you need to move out and live your own life. She's an adult and she'll need to learn to be on her own, make friends etc herself. If she can't afford the place on her own, she'll either need to move or take in a lodger (whcih may solve the loneliness issue!).