How to help friend?

WolfSong2000

Alright...I'm in a bit of an odd situation. I'm studying for a masters degree and living with my best friend of almost 10 years. She moved in with me last minute after the "friend" who was supposed to be moving in with me backed out last minute. This girl decided to move all the way accross the country with just a few days notice, and for this I am eternally grateful. *However*, there are issues and I am concerned about her.

She works as a freelance graphic designer, but is only doing this because she dropped out of university twice. She's a really smart girl, but not suited to academic work - she hates it. Sooo, she qualified as a graphic designer instead, but in her heart of hearts this really isn't something she wants to do for the rest of her life. The problem is she doesn't know what she does want to do.

She also has mental health issues (depression) which I knew about before I moved in with her. I can sympathise as I have suffered from depression myself and know how debilitating it can be, but she just has absolutely no "get up and go", and I'm not sure how much is due to depression and how much is down to her extremely laid back attitude to life.

By chance, she managed to get some work through the university I am attending, but her laptop broke about 6 weeks ago and she still hasn't got a new one. I gave her my old slow one when her's broke, which in retrospect was a mistake, as she now appears to have little incentive to get a new one/get back to work (she can't do her work on my old laptop).

So at the moment she's doing nothing - nada. She sleeps in until well into the afternoon, gets up, plays on her Wii, waits for me to make supper for her (deal was supposed to be I cook, she cleans, but it doesn't always work out like that) and then spends the rest of the day in her room on my old laptop. She almost never leaves the house, and I am worrying about her.

I tried to get her to see the doctor a few weeks ago as on a rare night out her hand/arm went completely numb and she was unable to use it. I panicked and called NHS 24 and tried to get her to see a doctor, but she refused and we argued - something we never normally do.

I've tried to invite her out to other social events and at first she was quite good, but more recently she's been refusing and choosing to stay indoors. I try to spend time with her, but I have a huge amount of work for my course.

There's also money issues - she owes me in excess of £500, and whilst I have a tendency to write-off money that she owes, I just cannot afford to. In the past, when I have on occasion chased up debts she's been really good about paying me back, but as she's not working, she has no money coming in, so the money she owes me (food and utilities) is continuing to snowball. I wrote her a list explaining the breakdown of costs, how much she owed and that I would leave it up to her to arrange a repayment plan with a monthly amount that she felt comfortable paying back and insisted that she stay on top of future costs, but this hasn't happened. Over the last 10 days alone she owes me over £50 for food and money I have lent her for various things.

I just honestly don't know what I can do to help her out...if I thought that reducing the amount she owed me would help, I'd do that, but I've already dropped it by a few hundred pounds and it makes no difference...I can't force her to come out with me/get out of the house or go see a doctor. Or get a move on with getting a computer so she can get back to work, for that matter.

It's not even about the money - I'm more worried about her mental state. Part of me is wondering whether to go to her parents and express my concerns, but I don't want to go behind her back. She's never been what you'd call a "happy" person. She's naturally very aloof and can be very brusque/lacking in manners (took me a long time not to take this personally), but she is usually a good person. She's typically reliable, a good friend, and is up for going out, doing silly stuff, etc, but she has just been so down recently and I feel bad because I can't think of anything I can do to help

belfastgirl23

I think you need to sit her down and tell her that you're seriously concerned about her. She's not working, she's not participating in life and is hibernating in her room, all of which sound like symptoms of depression. And she has suffered from depression before. Make it clear that you're telling her this as her friend, that you're worried and you want to help her get better. See what she has to say. But make it a 'thing' don't just drop it in conversation. And make her react to it, whatever she wants to say. You also need to point out that it's impacting on you as well, that you're struggling financially and whilst you want to support her, ask her if there is nothing wrong with her, why do you need to pay her way for her?

She may well be resistant to your suggestion. But you need to close the conversation by saying that even if she feels things are ok you are still very concerned. She might not be able to admit it but might act on what you say, so its worth leaving it a few days to see is there any sign of action. If not though you need to tell her that you don't feel you can deal with this on your own any more and you need to talk to her parents about it.

Well done on trying so hard to support her. But the main thing you need to do here is get her to help herself, otherwise she will eventually wear out your patience and it might ultimately destroy the friendship. I think you're going to have to support her by saying things she really doesn't want to hear. But you wouldn't be a true friend if you didn't do it anyway.

Good luck!

meritaten

I agree with the above post totally! its time for some 'tough love' OP. before the friendship breaks down irrevocably. I think you have been a fabulous friend - just wish ALL friends could be as supportive as you!

esio_trot

I could have written that post (almost) about 6 years ago. My best friend/housemate was self harming, making suicide attempts and generally being very, very self destructive.

I don't have any advice because at 20/21, I struggled to cope with it for a couple of years before telling her mum and moving out. We don't speak now though I think about her often and hope that her mum has done the right thing by her, whatever that is, over the last 6 years.

Sorry I can't be of any more help, but you do have my empathy/sympathy. I would suggest getting someone (parents if appropriate) involved, if only to share some of the burden/stress.

charlie792

sorry I cant be of any help - but as your at university would it be worth speaking to someone there about this, Im not sure exactly but they may be able to help you out a bit, maybe in terms of some practical suggestions or advice or maybe financial help?

WolfSong2000

Thanks for the advice guys...she was a lot better tonight. More her "normal" self, but she's going home to see her parents/cat this weekend, and I know she's particularly attached to the cat, so maybe that's why.

I have considered sitting her down and telling her I'm concerned, but I did that when she told me her arm went numb. Inside I was properly freaking out, but I tried to stay calm and insist she called NHS24. She didn't, so I did. Cue argument, her shouting at me not to get involved whilst I was trying to tell her that I was worried about her, and that while there was a 90% chance it was nothing serious, I was still worried. I told her I thought she should go see a doctor just to be sure, and she flat out refused. I then gently pointed out that the local GP practice is very easy to get to by bus (we don't have a car) and that it's not that far away, and she mellowed a little, but still...

For the record, she and I almost *never* fight. It's just not something we do. I'll admit I do have a lot more patience for her than I would for anyone else, mainly because she doesn't normally take the p*ss with it. But yeah - there's always the chance she could push me to breaking point, but I really, really want to avoid that at all costs as she is my best and oldest friend. She's also amazing in so many ways...she'll listen to me rant when I've had a bad day, give me space when I'm depressed (I usually go hide away for a few days to get over the worst of it), and I know I can talk to her about *anything*. I do worry about her, however...she suffered a lot from depression when we were in school (saw a child psychologist/psychiatrist...one of the two) but didn't tell me until after.

What to do, what to do :S