feeling down

Lucy1973

Im not sure what advice im after. I was sexually abused by my friend's dad,who was also a family friend when I was 14. I'm now almost 38. I went to visit the area over the weekend and tbh its kind of opened up the wound again. I have been in tears all morning and i cant seem to stop. what really hurts the most,is it took me a good few years for me to tell my parents. this happened around 1988 and I got married in 1993,so I told them between 88-93. I'm feeling very angry all of a sudden because,dispite me telling my parents what happened,they still wanted them to come to my wedding. they also still tell me how each christmas,they have recieved a christmas card from so and so. part of me is so angry that they dont believe me and im not sure why its now getting to me now. sorry if this is making no sense..

elvis86

Lucy1973 wrote: »

Im not sure what advice im after. I was sexually abused by my friend's dad,who was also a family friend when I was 14. I'm now almost 38. I went to visit the area over the weekend and tbh its kind of opened up the wound again. I have been in tears all morning and i cant seem to stop. what really hurts the most,is it took me a good few years for me to tell my parents. this happened around 1988 and I got married in 1993,so I told them between 88-93. I'm feeling very angry all of a sudden because,dispite me telling my parents what happened,they still wanted them to come to my wedding. they also still tell me how each christmas,they have recieved a christmas card from so and so. part of me is so angry that they dont believe me and im not sure why its now getting to me now. sorry if this is making no sense..

This sounds absolutely awful!:(

I'm afraid that if my parents effectively turned a blind eye to a family friend sexually abusing me, for fear of "rocking the boat" within their social circle, I don't think I could continue to have a relationship with them.

ameliarate

Lucy1973 wrote: »

Im not sure what advice im after. I was sexually abused by my friend's dad,who was also a family friend when I was 14. I'm now almost 38. I went to visit the area over the weekend and tbh its kind of opened up the wound again. I have been in tears all morning and i cant seem to stop. what really hurts the most,is it took me a good few years for me to tell my parents. this happened around 1988 and I got married in 1993,so I told them between 88-93. I'm feeling very angry all of a sudden because,dispite me telling my parents what happened,they still wanted them to come to my wedding. they also still tell me how each christmas,they have recieved a christmas card from so and so. part of me is so angry that they dont believe me and im not sure why its now getting to me now. sorry if this is making no sense..

Your story is not as unusual as you think. I know of someone who was sexually abused by a neighbour and 10 years on they still live in the same place. You would think, wouldn't you, that they would move away for their daughter's sake?

I wonder whether you have ever had any counselling? It would be worth chatting to you GP as many surgeries have counsellors attached or could at least refer you to someone. I suspect this is the kind of thing you never really get over and lots of things can "trigger" emotions, you just have to learn to live with it, and that is possible.

Perhaps once you are feeling better it is time to talk again to your parents and tell them how you feel about them still having contact with this person and that at the very least you don't want to hear about it.

curlygirl1971

Lucy1973 wrote: »

Im not sure what advice im after. I was sexually abused by my friend's dad,who was also a family friend when I was 14. I'm now almost 38. I went to visit the area over the weekend and tbh its kind of opened up the wound again. I have been in tears all morning and i cant seem to stop. what really hurts the most,is it took me a good few years for me to tell my parents. this happened around 1988 and I got married in 1993,so I told them between 88-93. I'm feeling very angry all of a sudden because,dispite me telling my parents what happened,they still wanted them to come to my wedding. they also still tell me how each christmas,they have recieved a christmas card from so and so. part of me is so angry that they dont believe me and im not sure why its now getting to me now. sorry if this is making no sense..

Ah Lucy sorry to hear that today is a bad day for you. Someone I know was abused by a family friend - her parents couldn't take it in - just couldn't deal with it - to an outsider it looks as if they are just completely ignoring the fact - but I think it's just beyond their comprehension and therefore they prefer not to think about it/deal with it/acknowledge it. It's not right - but I think perhaps understanding what on earth is going on in their heads might help? Perhaps it's like a truth too awful to face? Whereas you have no choice but to face it as it is very much your memory and your experience. I don't think this is any bad reflection on you or the way they feel about you - I think it's all too sadly common in families.

When I revisit places where something happened it evokes such powerful memories for me and brings everything to the fore again so am not surprised that visiting the area is a huge thing for you. I can't comment from experience - I can only imagine what it must be like - but I think you need to be kind to yourself, give yourself time and go through whatever you need to go through - if's anger or upset then feel angry or upset - don't try to stifle it just because others choose to 'ignore' it. Seek out proper help.

podperson

Lucy I'm so sorry you've had to got through that as well as having to cope with your parent's reaction (or lack of!!). I agree with the above poster that it might help you to get some counselling so it doesn't sound like you've ever been given the help and support to really deal with what happened. This might also give you the strength to be able to tell your parents just how much their behaviour has upset you - at the very least if they mention them to you again then tell them that you don't want to hear anything about them. *hugs*

Counting_Pennies_2

I am so sorry to hear your news and how it is affecting you to this day.

I honestly think this person needs to be reported to the police. Regardless of how long ago it is in the past, if you are up to it I think you should do it.

They could have approached and done the same to another young girl.

I also think counselling would be good, even if you have had it earlier on in life.

take care

Lucy1973

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I am so sorry to hear your news and how it is affecting you to this day.

I honestly think this person needs to be reported to the police. Regardless of how long ago it is in the past, if you are up to it I think you should do it.

They could have approached and done the same to another young girl.

I also think counselling would be good, even if you have had it earlier on in life.

take care

Thank you so much for all your help.took some time out and had a good cry,but feeling emotionally drained at the moment. I know for a fact,he did the same to my friend who lived next door,who was a year or 2 younger than me. Would it be too late to report him? My memories are a little hazy,maybe pushed a lot of it to the back of my brain somewhere so didn't know if that would make a difference...
I was given a hard time at school,when I told a schoolfriend in confidence what had happened. She ended up spreading this around the school,then this ended up getting to the daughter(my friend) of the man who abused me. I had to tell her that it wasn't true. We never spoke again...to this day I wonder if he ever did anything to her aswell......:(

ameliarate

Lucy1973 wrote: »

Thank you so much for all your help.took some time out and had a good cry,but feeling emotionally drained at the moment. I know for a fact,he did the same to my friend who lived next door,who was a year or 2 younger than me. Would it be too late to report him? My memories are a little hazy,maybe pushed a lot of it to the back of my brain somewhere so didn't know if that would make a difference...
I was given a hard time at school,when I told a schoolfriend in confidence what had happened. She ended up spreading this around the school,then this ended up getting to the daughter(my friend) of the man who abused me. I had to tell her that it wasn't true. We never spoke again...to this day I wonder if he ever did anything to her aswell......:(

I don't think it is ever too late to report such things, but very difficult to prove unless you can get the friend who he also abused to speak up. I would imagine it would be a very traumatic process and you would need a lot of support.

Part of me thinks you should report him immediately for the safety of others, but on the whole I feel you should think about yourself and whether you could cope with the process before you make a decision.

Counting_Pennies_2

I think this is the wisest thing for all to report it. You reported it when you were younger and no one took you seriously. It is still causing you damage to this day

Now is the time for you to be heard.

I do also think you should go down this road with counselling too. I do believe you should go to counselling for a session or two before reporting it, so you have a good support network set up to help you in the emotional outlet that is bound to come your way.

I really would urge this, it might bring others forward and it might stop it happening to others too.

Take care of yourself.

PS - I do remember reading a few news reports of exactly this same thing happening. Reporting it a decade down the line and the person being prosecuted.

curlygirl1971

I know of someone (a different case to the one I mentioned before) that was accused by someone of historical absuse dating back to when they were both teenagers. The police took the accusations seriously and he was taken in for questioning. I don't know the reasons why (lapse in time? his age at the time? lack of evidence?) but nothing came of it in terms of charges etc., but it completely shook him up. And that's putting it mildly. It was something he struggled keeping from everyone that knew him - friends and colleagues.

If you decide that you want / can report this then I believe that you will be taken seriously even if the end result is that he keeps his liberty. Your reporting it will affect him in a negative way. You may even find that there have been other allegations made against him previously or your action may prompt others to come forward.

I googled 'Victims of child abuse UK' and a number of webpages came up - some seemed to be charity based offering support and advice. Perhaps one of these may be of some use to you? Someone might be able to find you conselling? Talk you through any official process? Help you decide what is the right course of action for you

SailorSam

I agree with the posters who talked of counselling, maybe you could call Womens Aid and ask their advice. I agree also that it is never to late to report it, if for no other reason than the police will have it on record should he do it again.
I was on Jury duty once, one of the cases there was a family of kids both boys and girls living with their Nan, also living there was an uncle who abused them all, boys and girls. Nothing was ever said for fear of upsetting the Nan. When it came to Court was about 20yrs later, the Nan had died and one of girls found out this uncle was still up to his old tricks, she saw him one day with a young lad who he had befriended and took for days out. The uncle was warned off and told they would go to the police if he didn't stop seeing the boy. Next time they saw him he was with the young boy again so they went the police.
It was horrible in Court, all these grown men and women had to get up and say what had happened to them as children.
He got 18yrs.