Fretting about 'big' decisions in life.

jtr2803

This is probably going to be a bit of a rambling post...

It's my 29th birthday in a few weeks time and over the past 6 months I have started to fret about turning 30/having to make decisions about the 'big' things in life - houses, marriage, children etc. When I say fret, I mean it is actually giving me nightmares and sometimes I wake up feeling very down. I also feel some resentment towards friends of the same age who seem to be a little further along in their 'life plan' than I am.

The problem is, that I don't really have a life plan but I am the sort of person who likes to have things fairly planned out. At the moment I feel like I am coming to an age where I have to start deciding what I do and do not want to do - and that annoys me! A lot of this revolves around money (or lack of), weddings = money, children = money and houses = money. I earn a good wage at the moment and am studying towards professional accounting qualifications but am also on a DMP until the end of 2012. I just don't see how I can do it all? Maybe the answer is that I can't?

I have been with my partner just under 3 years and we rent together, he is lovely and as supportive as he can be but he just doesn't 'get it'. He is almost 32 but is very laid back and has no plans beyond the end of next week, let alone within the next 5 years. I would love to get married but he hasn't propsed and as far as I know he isn't planning to (I understand it is on the cards at some point but no idea when), I don't know whether I want children or not (he isn't bothered either way) but this is now becoming more important as I am taking medication for a skin complaint and must wait 12 months to start trying after I finish it. I also don't ever see how we can afford children, I am the main earner and only get statutory Mat pay......I know we would love our own house but I can't save anything until the end of my DMP. If we do buy a house then surely that means no children as we'll have a mortgage to pay?! And we can't buy a house AND get married...............urgh, do you see what I mean?


I can't see any logical way to move forward which is probably why it gets me down so much, I think it is also a lack of being in control. I know there is no easy answer and that's not what I am looking for here, maybe I just want to know I am not alone in feeling like this?!

Humour me....please :rotfl:

tanith

I think everyone feels like you at sometime in their lives.. if everyone put off getting married/having a family till they could afford it many would be single and childless.. I felt like you when I was 19, no savings , poorly paid job, husband to be was on apprentice wages then I got pregnant shock! horror!... oh my I thought it was the end of the world but it wasn't . We got married on a shoestring , had a baby and made do, the rest is history... you just have to get on with life sometimes and hope for the best and it usually turns out ok...

4nnabella

Hi jtr,

No you're not alone! My situation is only slightly different from yours, in that my partner and I recently married, but we also rent, and I am on a DMP, with a current estimated finish date of September 2015 :eek:

If it hadn't have been for my parents giving us a large sum of money for the wedding, we would still be engaged, with no wedding date in sight. We both earn an ok wage, in that we live comfortably, pay our bills and can afford to buy clothes, food etc, but have little at the end of the month to put into savings. We would like to have a honeymoon at some point this year, as we were only able to go away (in the UK) for a couple of days after the wedding, again, due to my parents paying for our break for our wedding present.

We would like to start a family, and think about buying a house, but until we can start saving a decent amount of money each month, it's just not going to happen. I am about to turn 30, so my biological clock is ticking quite loudly! My OH is a bit luckier in that he is only 25 but I know he worries about money and would like to have more of it, to be able to provide for us both.

I think if I really knuckled down and saved and scrimped and lived a very meagre life, I could possibly shave a couple of years off my DMP, so am going to redo my SOA and see if I can increase my payment to Payplan to get things moving a bit quicker.

But I do worry that it is going to take years to dig myself out of this little hole and be able to be in a place where we can comfortably afford a child and think about buying a house!

Good luck

balletshoes

omg breathe OP !

If your DMP and medication issues mean you can't plan anything for at least a year, and you're not sure you want any of the things you think you should be planning for anyway, take a step back and try to stop worrying about it all now.

One of my friends is an absolute nightmare around all her big "0" birthdays, including her 30th. She spends weeks either side looking back on things she hasn't done, or looking to the future to things she thinks she'll never do, thereby wasting the weeks around her birthday!

Enjoy what you have, a lot of the "plan" will fall into place without you having to set it in stone.

twi1ight

If it's really bothering you, perhaps you should tentatively talk to your boyfriend about your future. Emphasise there's no urgency but you could mention that you feel uneasy and by the end of 2012 when your dmp ends you'd like to start preparing for the future (be that house, marriage and/or children). You don't want to push him in to anything but you need to let him know if you're not happy with just coasting.

Bear in mind, you'll only be 31 at the end if your dmp so not old by any means.

And if it makes you feel better, I can say it's not any easier to make big life decisions when there are no obstacles. I'm the same age and been married for a few years but I still fret, worry and overthink everything. I often feel like I should be doing things because 'that's what people do in my situation' and there's nothing stopping me but maybe I don't feel ready or maybe I don't want to. Only then I end up worrying about why I don't want to.

flutterbyuk25

(((hugs))) OP.

I turn 29 a week tomorrow so kinda know where you are at. i rent too. I however am single, all my friends have long-term boyfriends or husbands, and my best friend is having a baby too soon. I do occasionally feel like maybe I've missed the boat on things like this.

On the flip side, I have an amazing job which I adore, whereas none of my friends love their jobs, and I've travelled quite a bit, and have more travel coming up. none of my friends have really travelled beyond normal holidays. I'm also free and single so can go on dates with people or decide to go away for a weekend on a whim if I want.

I don't think it's possible to 'have it all', grass is always greener as they say.

Enjoy what you have, and if you want to change something take small steps to getting there - there's no point in standing still, life is for living after all. Maybe ask your OH if he wants marriage down the line etc.

hope this makes sense

x

ps have a fab birthday

x

jtr2803

Thank you all for you replies . It's nice to know that it's not just me who feels like this!

My OH is good with money in the sense that he doesn't owe anyone anything at all and he is more than happy to help me if I need it. We have had a few semi-serious chats about children and marriage but because of our situation (mine financial and him being laid back) we haven't 'planned' anything. A while ago I did point out that none of these things just happened, they all had to be thought about and saved for etc and I am sure he is well aware. I guess I always had it in my head I would be settled down before I was 30, especially married - that was a big thing for me although I must point out I have been married before. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I am missing out, I've had some fab holidays and experiences and I am off to the Maldives in 9 weeks time, it's more that I am panicking that I am going to want to do these things and I wont be able to, I just don't know what I can do to make those things possible, it's a bit catch 22. Before I met my OH I was really happy being single and none of these things even entered my head......it's obviously HIS fault .

I think the children issue is the big and most frustrating them as I can't decide if I want them or not and due to medication/money I feel like it's something I need to decide on in the next few years or I might leave it too late.

My best friend is 33 and she assures me she felt the same but once she had actually turned 30 she realised that she didn't feel different and it actually made no difference at all :rotfl:.

Thanks for the birthday wishes flutterby, I hope you have a good one too! I am already planning a holiday for my 30th birthday so I don't have to face anyone, how shameful!

barbiedoll

The thing is: You can't think about having a baby for the time being, simply because of the medication, so that's one thing not to fret about for at least a year. By which time, your DMP will be finished (lucky you, I've got years left on mine )

Getting married doesn't mean that you have to spend loads of money. Lots of us tend to think that we're "missing out" by not having thousands to spend on a wedding/holiday/car etc etc, but the marriage should be the important thing, not the wedding!

Buying a house is a pipe dream for whole generation now, so plenty of folk are still living their lives, having children, getting married AND renting their homes. Buying a house can sometimes be a bit of a poisoned chalice, it costs a fortune to maintain them, you're at the mercy of the bank and their interest rates and you're forever worrying about negative equity, horrid neighbours and the rising cost of insurance. As buying a house is out of the question for now, stop worrying about it and focus your attention on things that you can plan for.

For now, concentrate on your studies, you're still young and waiting a couple of years for marriage and a family is probably a good idea anyway. If you like to make long-term plans, find out how much you could be earning when you have your qualifications, by which time I guess your DMP will be nearing or at the end. Give yourself, say, 6 months after that in which to prioritise your plans, you don't HAVE to be married or a homeowner to have kids! Speak to OH, find out what his idea of your future together entails. He may just be waiting for a nudge in the right direction, just because he can't afford a decent ring, doesn't mean that you can't get engaged.

Good luck with your exams, and your DMP. And stop fretting. You've got plenty of time for the big stuff later on.

Flutterbyuk25: I was single too at 29. By 32 I was a mum and by 33 I was married. You never know what's round the corner!

balletshoes

exactly barbiedoll - at 30 I was very single and embarking on a dream of spending months at a time abroad, at 33 I was a mum, and at 34 I was married to baby's dad. We weren't on the property ladder, and if I'm perfectly honest and it was entirely up to me, we wouldn't ever have started on it. We didn't have a huge wedding, and I don't miss it (I remember telling my parents when I was 17 I wasn't ever getting married, and if I did they could just give me £50 and I'd elope).
I knew I'd be a working mum, and had no problem with that when we found out I was pregnant after a month of trying.

Not everything has to be planned down the last minute - go with the flow a bit, that way if unexpected hurdles turn up, it can be easier to roll with it .

jtr2803

barbiedoll wrote: »

The thing is: You can't think about having a baby for the time being, simply because of the medication, so that's one thing not to fret about for at least a year. By which time, your DMP will be finished (lucky you, I've got years left on mine )

Getting married doesn't mean that you have to spend loads of money. Lots of us tend to think that we're "missing out" by not having thousands to spend on a wedding/holiday/car etc etc, but the marriage should be the important thing, not the wedding!

Buying a house is a pipe dream for whole generation now, so plenty of folk are still living their lives, having children, getting married AND renting their homes. Buying a house can sometimes be a bit of a poisoned chalice, it costs a fortune to maintain them, you're at the mercy of the bank and their interest rates and you're forever worrying about negative equity, horrid neighbours and the rising cost of insurance. As buying a house is out of the question for now, stop worrying about it and focus your attention on things that you can plan for.

For now, concentrate on your studies, you're still young and waiting a couple of years for marriage and a family is probably a good idea anyway. If you like to make long-term plans, find out how much you could be earning when you have your qualifications, by which time I guess your DMP will be nearing or at the end. Give yourself, say, 6 months after that in which to prioritise your plans, you don't HAVE to be married or a homeowner to have kids! Speak to OH, find out what his idea of your future together entails. He may just be waiting for a nudge in the right direction, just because he can't afford a decent ring, doesn't mean that you can't get engaged.

Good luck with your exams, and your DMP. And stop fretting. You've got plenty of time for the big stuff later on.

Flutterbyuk25: I was single too at 29. By 32 I was a mum and by 33 I was married. You never know what's round the corner!

Thanks for this post

You are right in many respects. I certainly don't want a big expensive wedding as that just isn't me, I do just want to be married to OH. Unfortunately I have to be honest and say we did have a big discussion at Xmas about marriage and it is something that is much more important to me than it is to him. I'm not saying he has said he doesn't want to get married, it just isn't a priority to him but he tells me every day that he wants to be with me forever and I believe him, in all other respects he treats me like a princess and I've never been in a relationship where I have felt so valued and respected which counts for a lot.

Someone he works with asked him a while back if we were going to have children and I think that really made him think about it as he actually came home and asked me how I felt about it, this was the first time he had initiated a conversation about kids so I knew he had given it some thought. The consensus between us was that if we did, it wouldn't be for a few years due to money/my studies and debt.

I know how quickly things can change and I know I still have quite a few years left for all the 'serious' stuff. I just can't seem to stop myself from over-thinking it all and wondering how to fit it all in!

I think once my DMP is finished I will feel much less tied for money and it will open the doors for other things, 18 months actually isn't that far away and hopefully it will be sooner.

Oh to be 21 again :rotfl:

balletshoes

I like the way you life seems to be going - and you're right, 18 months will go by very quickly .