Feeling so gloomy

miss_mouse_3

I’m posting this under a new username as I don’t want my family to see it, I hope that’s ok.
I just needed to post this somewhere as I just don’t know what to do anymore and to be honest I’m starting to get a bit worried about how I’m feeling. This is a big of a long post but I hope some background will help explain.
I left my husband of 15 years last July as I’d fallen out of love with him. We have two children together aged 7 and 12. I told him in May that I wasn’t happy and that our relationship was over. Later that month I met a guy I knew from the internet and we started seeing each other. My husband didn’t want to move out and leave the children so I said I’d move out and he could stay in the house with the children as I felt it was my decision to leave so why should I penalise him or the children. So I’m renting a flat literally down the road from where the children live with their dad and living with my new partner who’s a lot younger than me. I still have a very amicable relationship with my husband but things are a little fraught with my mum as she doesn’t approve of what I’ve done. At around the same time I moved out, I had to change jobs due to funding cuts and now do a different job that I don’t really enjoy doing but I need the money. I have hardly any money left each month after paying the bills and rent etc and it scares me that I dont actually have my own property anymore and wont be able to get a mortgage whilst my money is tied up in the house my children are in.
I just feel so empty lately and that I have no future. I honestly feel that I could just walk away from everything and keep walking. I know that I should be thinking about my kids but I just cant seem to shake this “gloom” that’s hanging over me. I keep having these dreams about having cancer and have this unspoken fear that there’s something wrong with me and that I wont be around for long anyway. I’m dreading turning 40 this year and feel as though my life has no real meaning anymore. I used to have a role and a purpose in life (being a mum and a wife and in a job I loved) and just don’t feel like that any more. I feel so emotional all the time and often on the verge of tears. I don’t think I’m depressed but I just feel so gloomy. I don’t feel as though I have a reason for being here anymore and that if I wasn’t here then it wouldn’t really be such a huge loss to anyone.
Do I just need to give myself a stern talking to? Has anyone else been through a phase like this and how did you deal with it? Any advice welcomed even if its just to tell me to get a grip and grow up.

Bloomin_Freezing2

Hi Miss Mouse,

To me, it sounds as though you are clearly depressed - and that's nothing to be ashamed, if you can accept this you can get help anf overcome it.

Whatever has happened to get you where you are today you are everything to your kids, you are their one and only Mum so please don't think that you are worthless.

I think it'd be a good idea to get yourself a doctors appointment, do you have a well womans clinic at your surgery? They can give you a thorough mot and put your mind at ease about any health issues, but I think you should also speak to your dr about how you're feeling, and if necessary he can give you something to lift your moods.

Have you spoken to your new partner about how you are feeling? Or maybe your ex, if your relationship is fairy amicable with him now i'm sure he wouldn't want you to be feeling like this with nowhere to turn to. Is it worth a try speaking to your Mum?

I really think the worst thing anyone can do when they are feeling low is shut themselves away. Even if the thought of speaking to anyone right now is too hard, please come on here and share your load, no one will judge you and i'm sure there's many of us that would like to help you.

mshappy

From your post it does sound like you are depressed.

Go have a good chat with your GP

belfastgirl23

I don't know if it helps but I do think that the idea of midlife crisis is real. Were you already having some of these thoughts before you left your family? Was it maybe thinking like this that drove you out of the family home?

I think the important thing to do is first of all recognise that this is a phase in life and that it will get better. The advice to see a GP is also sound. But the other thing is to perhaps try a lot of different and new things to see what sparks an interest for you. What makes life worth living.

But it might help a bit just to acknowledge that this is 'normal'

mackemdave

Let the GP decide if you are depressed....Ive recently been in a similar position and got up ne morning and went along to the surgery...The receptionist,the nurse and the doctor were brilliant...It was a new doctor as Id recently moved house so Id been reluctant to go along

Chatted with the doctor who gave me some tablets and arranged for some councelling....Its now about 6weeks and I do have my bad days but the good days outnumber the bad so definetly moving forward

My doctor was full of praise for me identifying that I needed help and going along to see her.Even said I could go along anytime the surgery was open and ask to see a doctor if I need to talk no need to make an appointment

Youve had a lot of change in your life....house,job,relationship its not suprising things have caught up with you

Please do as others have said and get off to see your GP

Good Luck

miss_mouse_3

Thank you for your replies everyone. I do appreciate everyone's comments.
Bloomin Freezing-I hadnt heard of a well woman clinic so I will ask about that on Monday. I will try talking it through with my current partner - he does try and understand but like many men, is always a bit wary of emotional stuff

Belfastgirl - I'd been unhappy with my husband for a long time. However a close friend died from cancer last February and I decided that life was too short to spend living in a loveless relationship and that I'd rather be on my own but having fun than risk never having a loving caring relationship with someone. But I didnt have the feelings of being so useless until relatively recently. I think you're right in that I need to find something that makes life worth living. I was at my happiest when I enjoyed work and was going to dance classes several times a week. I think I need to find something that will give me something to enjoy again.

Mackemdave - thank your for telling me about your experiences. I just feel silly telling my doctor that I feel gloomy I guess. Added to which a non-emergency appointment takes about 2-3 weeks so I just dont normally bother. I will however take everyone's advice and make an appointment and see what she has to say.

I am just hoping that this is a phase and will pass in time. Oh for a fairy godmother

mackemdave

Hi
Your issue isnt a non emergency one...If need be, ask to see a nurse and talk to her and they will refer you to a Doctor quicker....Youve shown that you need help and want to do something about it so thats the start of getting things moving...Dont be fobbed off with a 2-3 week wait as this is likely to make things worse