marriage problems

c00k1e2

I have been married for 4 years, been with my husband for 9 years. Over the last few years I feel like I have fallen out of love with my husband. I do love him, but theres no spark there iykwim? I tried to leave him last year- i stupidly had been talking to another man, which he found out about.

He was devastated that i hadn't tried to discuss things with him and tried to work things out. I asked him to move out, so i could try and get my head straight and decide what i wanted- but he refused , saying he had done nothing wrong, which was true. Our relationship has continued with me assuring him that things are ok , but they're not. I hate myself for hurting him and i don't know what to do. Please help

tattycath

You need to decide how you feel and have an honest discussion with your husband about how you feel and see if you can both work out a resolution-if you decide you don't want to be with him any more you need to tell him this-he will hurt more later if you're less than honest now. IYKWIM If you stay (but out of duty not because you really want to be with him) you will eventually feel resentful which will also have a detrimental effect on your relationship. Good luck (((hugs))) x
Maybe you could think up ways of re-sparking your relationship, go on dates with each other, make some special time for each other-maybe do this first before a make or break conversation.

Errata

If you love him, and you say you do, show him that love by having some sessions with him at Relate. That should clarify thoughts, feelings and enable a less harmful separation if that's the only option.

euronorris

c00k1e2 wrote: »

Our relationship has continued with me assuring him that things are ok , but they're not. I hate myself for hurting him and i don't know what to do. Please help

Why are you lying to him about this? If he's asking you if things are OK, he's trying to give you the opportunity to speak about any issues and resolve them, and you're not taking that opportunity.

Have you tried anything to reignite the spark? If not, get started now. Don't give up until you've tried to resolve/improve things.

[Deleted User]

I would consider couple counselling, if you can't be bothered then it's time to move on.

c00k1e2

I have arranged for us to go to relate, I know it seems stupid but I have told him how I feel- things get heated and he gets very upset. Then the next day he asks me how I feel again as if he can't quite believe what I have already told him, I end up backing down & saying things are ok because of how upset he is. He is a lovely man, a good husband & father. He has supported me in all ways through our relationship and I suppose I feel guilty for thinking about leaving him. My friends have told me that if I can't stay with him just because of this guilt.

tattycath

c00k1e2 wrote: »

I have arranged for us to go to relate, I know it seems stupid but I have told him how I feel- things get heated and he gets very upset. Then the next day he asks me how I feel again as if he can't quite believe what I have already told him, I end up backing down & saying things are ok because of how upset he is. He is a lovely man, a good husband & father. He has supported me in all ways through our relationship and I suppose I feel guilty for thinking about leaving him. My friends have told me that if I can't stay with him just because of this guilt.

Your friends are right, you can't stay with him because you feel guilty-it isn't fair on either of you. Good luck with relate-hope it all works out, but if it doesn't you can at least say you tried. fingers crossed for you!! x

pinkshoes

Relationships/Marriage require constant effort and hard work from both people, otherwise the spark will die. Can you honestly say that you've both tried your best to keep the spark alive?

euronorris

c00k1e2 wrote: »

I have arranged for us to go to relate, I know it seems stupid but I have told him how I feel- things get heated and he gets very upset. Then the next day he asks me how I feel again as if he can't quite believe what I have already told him, I end up backing down & saying things are ok because of how upset he is. He is a lovely man, a good husband & father. He has supported me in all ways through our relationship and I suppose I feel guilty for thinking about leaving him. My friends have told me that if I can't stay with him just because of this guilt.

I understand where you're coming from, but I think that you need to understand that this will be upsetting for him and backing down and saying everything is fine, when it isn't, is helping no one.

In future, be honest, but say that is why you want to go to relate, to work on things and try and find a way forward for you both. Acknowledge his feelings of hurt and upset, but also let him know that you have to be honest with him about this, otherwise things will not improve and you won't reach a happy place together again (if that is even possible). If he asks you again the next day, how you feel, tell him that these things take time to be resolved and you that you need some space in that respect. If/when he starts to get upset again, remind him of the relate counselling sessions you have booked and assure him that you are trying to work these things through.

And you....remember that the best either of you can do to resolve this, is to try. You can't magically fix things overnight, and you can't change how you feel in an instant.

belfastgirl23

If anything is going to be resolved you have to start being honest with him. And the first thing is to be honest with yourself. When you're telling him things are ok, is this for his benefit or yours? For me the bottom line here is that you are telling yourself that you're lying to make him feel better when in fact you're lying so that you don't have to cope with his hurt. I'm not saying this to be nasty, but this might help you to be more honest with him in the future, if you can acknowledge that the lying is only helping you, not him. At the end of the day if you are flip flopping between being honest and lying, how is he supposed to know which is the truth? You are preventing him from moving on and either finding a new way in your relationship together, or finding a new and more satisfying relationship.

If you care about him at all, as a friend, you have to start being honest with him.

p_joker

You need to be honest with him and yourself, if you don't love him then you need to be cruel to be kind, I come from a home where my mum carried on for years making my dad think everything was fine and dandy then when she thought me and my brother were old enough announced that she didn't love my dad any more and left him for another man, I think she should have been honest with him years before and given him the chance to make another life for himself, instead she left him a shell of his former self and now 12 years later he still lives with no partner and feels like he's waisted his life. Now I have hardly any relationship with my mother but maybe if she had done what she had done when I was younger things may have been different. Don't let your husband suffer please.