I know I've been stupid but please help!

l.p.s.c

First of all I'm not looking for pity I know I've been incredibly stupid but I really need your help.

I won't bore you all with the all details, they are long and many but the long and short of it is

I'm 35 year old woman with my own two bed home (approx value £80k, mortgage of £70k and into third year of mortgage). I live with my 27 year old OH and for 50% of the week his kids from his first marriage ( a 6 year old boy and 5 year old girl) and our two beautiful saint bernards.

I work full time as (ashamedly) an accountant and my OH works evenings (approx 3-4) at a pizza franchise. I also own a hair salon (limited co) which my OH works in during the week (when he doesn't have the kids). The company has been in existence for 14 months, the shop lease for 9 months and we have been trading for approx 3 months). The salon is doing fairly well considering the amount of time we are both putting in but it is struggling to make the rent so is already falling behind on other expenses.

My problem is that I feel that I am shouldering the burden for everything. I met my partner three years ago and although he comes across as an amazing fun loving guy he either has his head in the clouds or his head in the sand and it has ruined our relationship and is making me extremely bitter and resentful.

I am currently paying all the household bills (and have been for the best part of nearly two years) as well as his monthly phone bill (which is in my name), his car insurance and personal loan repayments that I took out to get the shop up and running. His money goes on petrol and lunch for himself and paying off his bills. He has debts in excess of £100k including £15k to his parents for a loan they took out to bail him out when his marriage went belly up and a further £16k he owes to his mum after she bailed him out on credit cards (he dad is unaware of this debt).

I feel like I am drowning, whenever I try to save money somewhere he manages to spend it somewhere else. For example he stopped paying his car insurance cos he couldn't afford it, let his RFL lapse cos he couldn't afford the repairs to get the car through its MOT and lo and behold he got stopped by the police and fined. So I said I'd pay the insurance and he could re-imburse me (that part never happened) and he then went and had a big accident in January. The car was a write off and I had to borrow money from my dad to get us a car to get his kids about in!!

So I worry and worry about money and he tells me I need to relax more and that I not loving and a bore! I have tried to leave him twice over the past year but I'm left with debt I can't handle and a shop I'm signed into for another 5 years with a quarterly rent bill alone of £1.6k. I earn £18k a year and I can't manage to keep four of us and a business going, it feels like it's literally killing me. I've thought about getting someone else in to run the shop but I wouldn't know where to start and unless they have an existing client base I'd be struggling. At the moment I am with my OH because I don't want to lose my beautiful dogs and I couldn't manage them on my own. I don't know if our relationship would have a chance if we didn't have all the financial stress. We never spend any time together and when we are at home it turns into an argument.

The irony is that at the moment he is away filming Deal or No Deal, something that could solve all our money problems but whatever he wins he says he is giving all to his mum!

I'm at my wits end, I have tried talking to him, I put a roof over his kids head and food on the table, I give him a business to work in, a car to drive, a phone to contact friends and I'm still the bad guy!!! It is even now starting to destroy my relationship with my family as my dad feels he is bailing me out for OH's problems.

Please, any advice welcome before I crack

Thanks





Tired of being resentful and tearful. Please help, what can I do?

chalkie99

Keep the St Bernards and get rid of the rest.

Seriously, he is using you and will only drag you down further if you let him.

If the business isn't even clearing the rent then close it. If your OH is there it will never pick up anyway because, from what you say, he is only interested in himself.

One thing I don't understand - as a 35 yr old accountant, why are you earning only £18K?

FlowerPower

Hi lpsc
sorry to hear about all the problems. Hugs for you, as I don't know enough about businesses etc to offer any good advice.
I'm not sure how possible it is, but it seems like you need to stop bailing your OH out of his money problems. If you keep bailing him out, then he probably won't change his ways as he knows you'll always be there to provide for him.
It sounds like you're really unhappy, do you have anyone you can talk to?
xx

ellesbellesxxx

Ah hon, this sounds like a nightmare. You have so much going for you by sounds of it... I would get out as he is draining you emotionally and financially - and until you throw him out, he will continue to do so.
Could you sublet the shop? There must be someone who can help you with this...

curlytop12

so sorry for your situation.think you are reaching your "lightbulb moment" about this relationship !
the only reason you don't leave is the dogs??
you need to get advice on your business options/debts/living arrangements and start anew before this person completely drains you.
he uses you to provide home/food/car etc for him and his children,this is not the life you deserve lass.
have you a good friend you can share this with,it makes it easier if you have an ally and some moral support.
good luck.

j.e.j.

It sounds like you know that you want out of this situation, but are unsure where to even start, given your financial entanglements with this person.

Can you get legal advice from somewhere, perhaps?

I know this probably sounds a bit cold, but you're under no moral obligation to let an irresponsible partner ruin your finances as well as their own. Your OH seems to have a canny knack of getting everyone else to take financial responsibility for him.

LillythePink

I am amazed that you have survived this long doing all of that on 18k a year!

I would finish your relationship with him - he is a taker not a giver and it certainly taking you for a ride.

How do you know that your business is being run well?

Why would you lose your dogs?

Your comment on if he wins any money it would be given to his mum - I can see it from both sides really - he is in debt to her and if he wins money and she knows about it (obviously if he is on tv) then she wouldn't be happy to know that he just frittered it away or gave it to you/put in the business especially as his dad doesn't know about the 2nd amount. However, I can see it from your point of view that it would help.

There again, you are like a bank to him - why should he give the money to "you" when you just bail him out all the time anyway....obviously you "don't need" the money and are just being selfish to want it (not my thoughts but what he may think!)

I think you should really read your post again and see what you have written - that should hopefully get you to see sense about it all even look at it as if someone else has written it - what advice would you give them?

What level accountant are you - surely not ACCA or ACA - but CAT or AAT?? If you do decide to part, then why not do something for yourself and then get more qualified which will lead to more money.

Advertise for a business partner - a hairdresser who wants to be out on their own but maybe too scared to totally go it alone so would have the security of someone there who is like a silent partner

The world is yours if you want it - but the first step is kicking your OH into touch

Gothicfairy

I am sorry for your situation, it sounds terrible.

Can I just add my 2cents worth, it sounds like he has gone from Mummy taking care of him to you and once you are done with it all he will go back to Mummy.

Point one : you have equity in your house so you could sell it maybe ?
Point two: Is the shop yours alone or is his name on anything ? Could you make more money if you stopped working and put all your time into your shop and emply someone to help ?
Point three: Ask a dog walker or local school child to help you walk the dogs for pocket money ( I did this when I was a kid for my money)
Point four : turn off his phone or reduce the package, or take it over yourself. Cancel his insurance, his car..his problem
Point five: A relationship that can only cope with the good times is just not worth the long run..Get out and get someone else. There will be someone better for you out there and they will work with you and stand with you through the troubles and not run away.

steveos

Yes, agree with what most others have said...lose him....before you are sucked dry..and emotionally and physically drained. I know its easier said than done, but start afresh. Coffee smell wake up...pls rearrange these words

Also, why as an accountant are you on £18K/yr..I assume you do only part time.

You have managed to write a load down and I hope that has helped. If you have made it this far, and guessing by what you have written..I guess none of our replies are gonna shock you..and inside you probably know.

The rest-detail of finances etc you can sort easier..once you lose your OH..

I am not being mean, but as you ask and have written...its clear. I would also say most of us have been in a similar situation so not just talking out of our heads re the root cause of maybe your problems.

Best of Luck :j:beer:

Flash-bang

You poor thing. Everyone makes mistakes, but the real mistake would be to stick with a situation that is so obviously making you deeply unhappy. On a more practical note, this toxic relationship could cause problems for your accountancy career if you let it continue too long without making a change (am I right in thinking DMPs etc are not allowed?). Stop paying for him. If he wants things, like a car etc, he can man up and work for the money, or run to his mum - which it sounds like he has done several times before.

From what you have said, it sounds like you want to make a change, so start by giving him notice at the salon and telling him to move out, then take steps to disassociate yourself from him financially. Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

Flash-bang

Oh, as far as the dogs are concerned, if it is matter of them being looked after while you work a friend of mine has hers put into a day kennel (sort of daycare for dogs).