Advice for a friend - desperate!

stqueen

Hi All,

Hopefully I am in the right place here. . .I have just returned from a long weekend with a close friend of mine (my oldest school friend in fact), and I feel really sad and down about the situation as I now know it. Not that I can be of much use in a practical sense (to her), but I wondered if anyone had any advice I could perhaps pass on. Here goes. . .

My friend wants to leave her husband (for various reasons, to cut a long story short she hasn't loved him for a while, he is argumentative, can be violent, and she has basically had enough of been treated like a doormat). Of course, my first question to her way 'Have you talked to him', 'Have you discussed how you feel, how he is making you feel', and I think it has now gone completely beyond that on the basis he is very blase about the whole situation, and assumes she will never leave him. She has 'threatened' many times in the past to leave, only for him to say 'go then'. Hence the pickle she is in - if she is to leave him and walk away from the marriage, she will have to leave (the home), rather than him.

They own a house together, and have done since late 2007 (previous to this they lived overseas for a time, prior to that, rented). However, it seems they are now in negative equity and the house is worth less than the mortgage. So selling would be at a big loss.:mad: My friend is happy to leave and set up alone, however she knows she is liable for half (or indeed all!) of the mortgage on the house, and wouldn't be able to afford a new place, and meet the mortgage obligations as well. If he stayed in the house, she very much doubts he will pay 100% of the mortgage (he is on low income) and she deals with ALL the finances!!! So, bills etc come out of her account, he pays his salary into it (I really don't know why they don't have a joint account, wasn't something I felt appropriate to ask!)

To top it off (and this is why I am so upset) she has confessed to me he has been violent in the past, physically and mentally, and she genuinally fears he will do 'something silly' should she leave. She recounted a situation back in 2008 where he hit her in the face (both eyes black), police were called, but she dropped all charges against him :mad:

I have said she can stay with me for as long as she likes/needs, at any time, however I now live in a different part of the country, therefore this isn't practical with her job. I am the only friend she has confided in. Most other friends are 'joint', and have no idea they have problems at all.

What can I advise?? Does she have any rights at all? I really am not sure how she can 'get out' of the marriage and situation. Essentially, all she is craving is a better life - a man who treats her well and with respect, as an equal, not expecting her to run around for him etc etc.

NB - No children, they have been married for 11 years. Any advice at all folks would be much appreciated.

RAS

Hi

She neds to start by speaking to Women's Aid. It may be possible for her to leave briefly, then get an occupation order and remove him.

RAS

here is the link https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963

JoJoB

Womensaid will give brilliant advice on this situation.

Also it would be wise for her to contact the domestic violence unit at her local police station, particularly as there is already a record of his violence towards her. It may be that they cann accompany her while she gathers her things to leave - or that evidence already on file will be enough to get an occupation order and they can assist with getting him out of the house.

stqueen

Thank you for your advice so far

Even though she dropped the charges, would the police still have the incident on record? This is what I was thinking - if there is a chance he could be violent again when she leaves would the police have any powers to stop it before it happens?

With regards to leaving, I get the feeling she would rather stay in the house and HE leave - if only for the fact she is worried he will not meet the mortgage obligations and that will obviously affect her (and she can't afford to pay half a mortgage on one place and rent on another). She could, however, afford to keep the house on her own. I think the outcome she ideally wants is for him to leave (although no way will he do that of his own accord).

But she is also worried he will 'find her' - i.e. seek some sort of revenge, violence etc for her having left him. She genuinally thinks it is going to be impossible to leave him and 'there is no knowing what he may do.' Its an awful awful situation - I feel bad because I am not around, I only see this friend every 6-8 weeks or so (although we speak on the phone often) so I really didn't have any idea how serious it was. . .:( I'm also sworn to secrecy so can't discuss this with my OH so I'm bursting at the seams to help her in some way. .

RAS

She certainly needs to find out if there is a record of the case with the police and Women's Aid can advise further. It is not at all unusual for people to be excluded from the house where there is a risk of DV.

She needs to staert putting together a bit of a fighting fund because she will need a non-molestation order and an occupation order, preferably before he has time to blink. She will need legal fees to do that.

stqueen

RAS wrote: »

She certainly needs to find out if there is a record of the case with the police and Women's Aid can advise further. It is not at all unusual for people to be excluded from the house where there is a risk of DV.

She needs to staert putting together a bit of a fighting fund because she will need a non-molestation order and an occupation order, preferably before he has time to blink. She will need legal fees to do that.

Thanks RAS. Any idea of costs? I would be prepared to help her in this way if need be.

sjc3

If the situation is as deperate as it seems then your offer for your friend to stay with you seems a good idea. I know it is far from her work. However if she were able to confide in her employers that she currently fears for her safety and needs to get away, might they not be sympathetic and want to help. I would then advise she talks to a solicitor quickly and gets this all sorted out legally.

Its going to take some drastic action if she wants to get away from him for good and sort this awful situation out. Where are her parents. Surely if they knew her predicament they would want to help her. No-one should have to live like that.

stqueen

sjc3 wrote: »

If the situation is as deperate as it seems then your offer for your friend to stay with you seems a good idea. I know it is far from her work. However if she were able to confide in her employers that she currently fears for her safety and needs to get away, might they not be sympathetic and want to help. I would then advise she talks to a solicitor quickly and gets this all sorted out legally.

Its going to take some drastic action if she wants to get away from him for good and sort this awful situation out. Where are her parents. Surely if they knew her predicament they would want to help her. No-one should have to live like that.

She only has her dad and brother and as far as I'm aware they aren't all that close But I'm pretty certain they could assist her financially if she needed it.

Its a really bizzare existence they appear to live in - they seem to have their 'own' lives - coming and going as they please without much communication, socializing together occasionally but generally not; the love has definately gone (she says) and I can't help thinking the fact he has been violent towards her might have a LITTLE to do with it! Of course from an outsiders perspective its easy to think 'why the hell didn't she leave then!'. But of course I appreciate its not that easy at all.

To make matters worse (as you can probably note, we have been speaking on the phone daily since the weekend and more and more is coming out it seems), she has confessed she is exchanging messages (texts) with a man she has known for a number of years. Her OH also knows this man, although only from afar. As far as I'm aware, nothing physical has happened between them and my friend is adamant nothing will happen until this is sorted - at the moment it is harmless flirting.

Such a messy situation but piecing things together, perhaps it is this man that has finally shocked her into looking at the marriage and deciding she wants out once and for all?