Equity, money, working it out in a relationship

megadishu

Help!!

I have dug my own hole and now trying to work it all out.

My fiance and I bought our house 2.5 years ago, when I thought I was on the mend from ME / CFS after 2.5 years of being seriously ill.

We saw our dream house before we meant to and ended up buying it. I put in 250K and he put in 140K. I was happy with this. We split the mortgage and bills equally - always have done - and I was happy with this.

However, I am feeling a bit resentful. Trying to sort this out.

We only have a 7 year age difference but my fiance is looking towards retirement (he is 53 this year) and I am just 46. We have a 110K mortgage which I am happy to increase but he is not.

When we bought the house it needed updating throughout. My other half is brill with DIY. Pre-ME / CFS I had loads of energy for re-creating gardens, painting, minor easy DIY etc. Now I just manage to keep my full time job and have worked up to that. Fiance is brill - does alot of housework and works continually doing bits and pieces on our dream home.

OK - I am happy to increase mortgage to pay to update a very old kitchen, new flooring etc. etc. - feels like we are living in a bit of an ongoing building site for now 2 years .... But he wants to do all the DIY himself, does not want to pay anybody else.

I think my priorities have changed. We bought this home on the edge of the village. Sadly my illness prevents me from being able to walk into the village - just too far with this stupid illness.

In many ways I have changed and really would like to downsize and have money to spend, no mortgage. But I did agree to buy what seemed our dream home - big garden etc. etc. My other half travels and I seem to live inthe bedroom as quite a big house and do need to rest so not really appreciating the whole home that we have. Also would prefer living in the centre of the village so could pop round to a pals house without taking the car out.

My fiance just received a bonus of several thousand - he put half into his pension and the other half into his savings.

I feel frustrated and as he keeps saying no to spending money on the house, does not want to downsize but then equally my money is tied up in the house. As I cannot "give" to the house I think I therefore might enjoy some of my money and buy a 1 year old car - that is fun - not hugely expensive but not something I do frequently as my car is 10 years old.

I feel miffed that I will have to buy the car out of my pension investments. I have an extra 100K equity in the house and feel in a way that my fiance should be looking to equalizing that between us.

Trouble is that I have never said this before I feels as though I am being unfair in a way - but then again I feel not.

I do love our home, but cannot contribute to be a home maker as I used to. My wretched illness means I have to be ridiculously careful so I can at least work - which does bring me a great deal of satisfaction. I would prefer not to cash in my pension money either.

Our circumstances suddenley feel more different. He has a company car and free petrol which he is of course taxed on - he pays monthly into his company pension scheme (for past 20 plus years). My life has been different, changing more, nearly paid off my previous mortgage before becoming ill.

I think I am looking for a more even share of bills as he earns about 30% more than me, but 50/50 on mortgage, but I have 100K more in house.

I would appreciate any advice - often find hearing others thoughts can be helpfu.

Than you.

Jen151

Hi I can totally see where you're coming from. Have you explained it like this to your fiance? Its fine for you to change your mind about your dream house as your life has changed. You should have a good honest chat about it together and see what you can come up with

onlyroz

As far as your other-half is concerned, is this the home you're going to live in forever? Because as you get older you'll only start to feel more trapped as you find getting around more difficult. I think if you're not happy then you need to have a frank discussion - if you don't need the space then it makes more sense to downsize now rather than in 10-20 years time when doing a house-move will put *real* stress on both of your healths, and prices will have risen further.

property.advert

Is there anything in your decision with wanting to stop work and only being able to do so without a mortgage ?

I think you need to look at the wider financial picture, especially your future income provision. I also feel you have some resentment as to the capital you put into the property (more than 50% capital but only a 50% vote ?) Additionally, interest rates have been at historic lows for a couple of years and has that allowed you to clear chunks off the mortgage ? If not, then what are you going to do as rates and mortgage repayments rise in the coming months ?

He should be responsive to your needs but are you writing off any chance of recovery ? If you were able to improve, would you not love to be in the house you are in ?

belfastgirl23

Well the first conversation you need to have is about you possibly needing to release some of your equity in the house. This might be a gentle nudge towards the fact that you've paid 100k more into it than he has. You might not find it so easy in these days though, lenders might be a bit more averse towards this type of thing. But note you aren't increasing your mortgage, you're releasing some of YOUR equity which is greater than his. That might be a better way to talk about it.

However I wonder is there more going on with him as well. Given your illness, is he planning ahead in case there's a time that you can't work for example? Is he worried about making big capital outlays or increasing your mortgage payments because he's thinking that you might end up living on his salary alone? Maybe this is why he's putting the extra cash into savings?

I think you need a proper, open discussion about your finances and also about your illness and any implications this might have. I know it's a hard thing to do but at least you need to understand how each other is thinking. And you will feel better having been heard by him, even if in the end he doesn't agree with you.

good luck!

Gigglepig

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a good talk about your change in circumstances and how your current health situation makes you feel, and what to do for the future.

Could it be an idea that he if he puts more into the house, to even up your equity, you could potentially invest that extra equity in a small apartment that is very easy to manage, so you have somewhere suitable to live in if your illness gets worse? It could be rented out for a few years if you don't need it right now, but you would have more options.