Some advice please - we just keep arguing!

jadal

Hi everyone,
I have been a lurker for some months but never posted before but I really need some advice!

General background - until about a couple of years ago we were fortunate enough not to have any money worries at all. My husband earnt a really good wage and although we had debt on credit cards it really wasn't a problem for us. Then things at his work changed - no fault of his, more the current clmate - and all bonuses have stopped and we are apprx £10k worse off a year. Obviously the credit card debts are more of a burden now.

I have done the snowball calculator thing and worked out that I could clear them if I used the savings we have and then ploughed everything into them in about a year. The problem is the savings we have are meant to be for our children so that we could give them a decent start and it is breaking my heart thinking that I would take their money. I actually feel like I am going to steal from my own children. I'm thinking that I clear eveything off and then we have a clean slate and I start builing up their savings again - but there's a voice in my head that keeps saying 'what if you don't', what if something else comes along and you never get to save up for them what you wanted to?

What would you do? If I clear the debt according to the SOA I should have around £700 a month spare so should be able to save for them again. I have just always felt that everything was OK as long as I had money in the bank for the kid's future and now I may have to take it for ourselves. I just feel awful.

It doesn't help that my husband won't talk to me about our money situation at all - he walks off in a huff whenever I try to talk about it. I know he just thinks I am being a nag. He has no idea of our incomings or outgoings, never checks the bank account, leaves all the money side of things to me - then when I get annoyed because he's spent something I hadn't budgeted for he just makes me feel like crap. I don't work as we have young children and he is out from 7am till very late usually and I know he works hard for our family - but I feel like I am alone really.

Sorry - I just needed to let off some steam! But I would appreciate some advice on what to do with regards to using the savings to pay off the credit cards please.

Thank you x

little_miss_muppet_face

Me personnally.. i would use the childrens money to clear your debt and then start the savings again... that way you wont be paying any interest on borrowing etc.. How long is it until your children leave school for uni ? do you have enough time to save again..?

Tixy

Hi

I really think you need to try to get your husband to look at the SoA you have done. Show him how tight things are and how you don't currently have the money for additional spending from him. Do you think he walks off in a huff because he feels embarrassed or ashamed that his income has dropped? or has he always been like this? If its the former then you may have to be a bit delicate in how you handle things so he doesn't feel that you are blaming him or nagging him, if its the latter and he's always been like this then I would be a bit more brutal about it, its time for him to man up and pay attention to the finances and his families future.

As to using the savings I guess thats something only you and he can decide together. Presumably the money is not actually in accounts in the kids names? Its just that you always felt that is how you would use it? I guess one advantage you have is that the children are young and so presumably won't need any help from you at the moment.

Are your debts on high interest rates? what sort of rate are you earning on your savings? Maybe you could do some sort of compromise where you use some of the savings to put towards the most expensive debts and then see if you can move the remaining debts to cheaper deals - eg 0% promotional deals or low life of balance rates. If you clear a card then its always worth calling them a couple of months later to see if they will offer you a 0% deal which you can them balance transfer another debt to.

Have you looked at the snowball calculator and worked out how long it will take to clear the debts if you don't use the savings? and how much interest you will pay? if not do this and then compare using all the savings or some of the savings so you have the figures to hand about the difference it will make for when you speak to OH.

Sarsaparilla

I think it makes sense to clear the debts and start saving again

savingwannabe

My parents are comfortable now and retired but when i was younger they took money out of my savings account when i was 10. I always realised that they needed it and it was to help our family cope when things were tough. It was money they had paid in for me anyway. I am a lot older now and realise they have payed me back a million times over and i was glad in my small way to have kind of helped when i needed to.

Good luck with your decision, doesn't Martin Lewis say to use your savings to offset ridiculous interest costs? I think you need to speak to your husband too and decide together. It is a logical decision i hope. Good luck once again.

ellesbellesxxx

I think you are better to clear the savings too to pay off debts, then you can save up again for your children - from what you said they are young now... I was lucky enough to have help from my parents and really appreciate it...but equally I have friends who were grateful for even the odd money here and there. At the moment your savings will not be raking in the interest so yo uwould save money in the long run.

[Deleted User]

I agree if you are earning less interest on the savings than you are paying on the debts then it makes the most sense to clear as much of the debts that you can from the savings and start saving again once you are debt free.

Also Tixy's advice about the snowball calculator and shifting to lower (or no) interest cards is worth a good look as this could save you a lot in interest payments (thus clearing the outstanding balances quicker)

If you were to post your SOA here people will be able to advise (but this is totally up to you): http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

Definately keep trying to get hubby on board though - it will make the journey smoother - you've said he's not that involved with your finances, but maybe by going through everything with him will make him more interested and involved, and in time get on board?

jadal

Thanks for your replies.

little miss suppet face - I have three children, 3, 8 and 12. I think that could save it up again with some effort and I hope that eventually my husbands bonuses will be reinstated once (if) things improve. I can also go to work eventually so that will be an extra income - although it won't be great as I will only be able to work term time hours. Nearest family 100 miles away so no help with holiday care or school runs/inset days etc.

Tixy - he sh always behaved like this. He thinks his repsonsibilities to the famikly begin and end with the fact that he works and provides the money. Everything else is up to me. Don't get me wrong, he is a good Dad and plays with the kids etc but all decision making is left down to me. Even when we moved house he left all the decision making down to me. I have sat him down and shown him the SOA, he nods , he says yes, he will stop spending unless its absolutelty necessary and then carries on as though the conversation never happened. Like this morning he went to the local Tesco for a pint of milk and came bag with three magazines for the kids?! This was after being told yesterday that he would get no bonus again this year. He drives a 120 mile round trip to work which was costing us a fortune in petrol and had worn our car out. We bought a new car that was more economical in trms of fuel etc and he said that because it would be costing us a £165 monthly payment he would stick to the SOA etc etc - a week or so latr he reverts to type. Tbh the thing that bugs me most is that I have given myself a monthly allowance for groceries, yet he stops at Sainsburys on the way home from work nearly every night and buys himself a bottle of wine, expensive biscuits etc which I have not budgeted for and he can't see that it all adds up to a lot of extra money each month. If I say anything about it I am made to feel like a nag or that I don't appreciate how hard he works for us and that he never goes out etc etc (which to be fair he doesn't, but then neitehr do I!)

The money for the kids is in my name - and tbh I don't think I am going to tell him if I decide to use it because I think he will just think that that's the money side sorted and carry on as always. He will not have the same resolve as I do to save it all up again.

The debts we have are now all on interest free cards for the next 15 months (sorted out by me, no surprise there!) andd would be clear in 13 months is I use the savings - twice that time if I don't.

I am actually not sure what the kids savings are earning at the mo - that's bad isn't it? I set up a plan for them with our bank about 6 years ago and have just been paying into them since. There's about £9k in total that I could use. Some of their savings are tied up and cab't be touched until they are 18.

Thanks for your replies x

Danni-R

Also, If you're always arguing etc surely the kids will value parents that get along well and dont argue over something that they dont really know about? You've done the sums and you'll be able to put £700 a month away for them. Thats a decent amount!

I say, clear the debt and hopefully it'll ease the arguments with your husband which will make you're children happier.

jadal

savingwannabe - thank you for your reply. That has made me feel a bit better. I have been beating myself up fo even considering usig their money. All i have ever wanted to be is a good parent to my kid and for them to know I have tried my best fo them. I would hate for them to look back and feel let down.

Tixy

Its really hard when you are working hard at the finances and someone seems to be pulling in the opposite direction. Do you see his receipts from the trips to the supermarket on the way home? Could you keep them all for a month and then add them up and show him how much he is spending over a month? perhaps compare that to how much you spend on groceries for the whole family for the month (especially if the figures are about the same).

From what you have said if you do use the savings I agree he'll think the money is just there to be spent again and stop trying to cut back (well if what he is doing at the moment is trying!). And if the savings are in your name only then I would say go for it and use them. As you have said there will still be some for the children thats tied up. You've no need to feel bad using your money to pay off your debts. You are acting in the interest of the whole family.

If the debts are all interest free at the moment could you not wait until the 15months is up before you use the savings to pay a large sum off them?