Parents telling their children to keep secrets from the other parents?

bluenoseam

property.advert wrote: »

I would think twice about sending my kids to an ex who procured a potentially dangerous animal. He is a !!!!!! by the sounds of it.

Not the issue but why can't the bloke pay something for his kids ? You know where he lives.

It's a dog, the vast majority of them tend to be placid animals who unfortunately get given bad press by irresponsible people who keep breeds known for poor temperament. I grew up around dogs (greyhound cross & springer spaniel) as well as around my sister's current dog (german shepard) and neither one of the three has ever behaved in any way shape or form agressively towards a child. The german shepard currently has a 3 & 4 year old quite happy to play about with him to the point the poor dog is clearly driven batty by them, but just looks at the kids & has that look on his face as if to say "ah well, what the hell they don't look too tasty anyways" before plopping himself on the carpet & sleeping! Hell mend anyone who goes within 10ft of the kids who he doesn't like the look of!

The issue though is that the Dad really shouldn't have told him, one suggests rather than badmouthing him (which does zero use whatsoever & sets a pretty bad example to your kids - even if they don't hear/see you) would be to sit down with him as adults do & discuss your concerns. Ultimately he might not like it, but if he's halfway sensible he'll see where you're coming from and if not, then simple, let your solicitor deal with it. The worst thing i saw from mates of divorced families was the fact it was constantly playing one off the other - kinda made me glad my old man popped his clogs, he in turn gets the blame for everything! :A

mrsspendalot

property.advert wrote: »

I would think twice about sending my kids to an ex who procured a potentially dangerous animal. He is a !!!!!! by the sounds of it.

Not the issue but why can't the bloke pay something for his kids ? You know where he lives.

He has successfully managed to avoid CSA action since May last year, despite me knowing where he lives, and where he works, because I have had to find out those facts myself - they have never been volunteered. He has not complied with them since day one, ignoring their phone calls and letters in a bid to avoid his financial obligations. He has job-hopped and not informed me or them where he is working - I have found out via other people (we live in a small town, nothing goes unnoticed) and passed the info on to CSA myself. The only reason I know where he currently lives is because my children came home one weekend and said he had moved. I told him he wouldn't have them again until he provided the address, and I got the address with a pitiful excuse of 'I forgot I'd moved' :rotfl:

The CSA have had a rocket up their behinds as I contacted my MP and put in a formal complaint. They are now hot on his heels and are apparently going to send out a compliance officer to secure the information they need from him from his current job, as he has failed to submit the payslips they have requested which are needed to assess his current liability. I am currently owed £1500 approx and counting. I now have a weekly phone call giving me an update on my case, and I do expect it to be resolved fairly soon. I cannot for the life of me get my head around the fact that he has sat back and deliberately done this to his children for the past year. He is, as you say, a !!!!!!!

pinkshoes

I'm going to play devil's advocate here...

What would be the issue of you NOT knowing that he has a dog, other than the fact that if he can afford a dog, then he can afford CSA payments?

This is a tricky situation and must've been horrible for your kids; they have their dad telling them to keep a secret, and then their mum telling them that they MUST betray their dad and tell her what the secret is.

Secrets are a big thing for kids, and not necessarily a bad thing, as one day, they'll have friends who confide in them, and expect them to keep those secrets. It's teaching them what is a "good" secret (i.e. perhaps a dog!), and what's a "bad" secret (i.e. perhaps a friend tells them that someone is hitting them).

I just struggle to see why they needed to tell you about the dog.

Tackling this, I'd just keep it light hearted, and send a nice message to your ex saying it's great he's got a dog, the kids love it, but as he can afford a dog, would he now like to also pay to support his children?

mrsspendalot

pinkshoes wrote: »

I'm going to play devil's advocate here...

What would be the issue of you NOT knowing that he has a dog, other than the fact that if he can afford a dog, then he can afford CSA payments?

This is a tricky situation and must've been horrible for your kids; they have their dad telling them to keep a secret, and then their mum telling them that they MUST betray their dad and tell her what the secret is.

Secrets are a big thing for kids, and not necessarily a bad thing, as one day, they'll have friends who confide in them, and expect them to keep those secrets. It's teaching them what is a "good" secret (i.e. perhaps a dog!), and what's a "bad" secret (i.e. perhaps a friend tells them that someone is hitting them).

I just struggle to see why they needed to tell you about the dog.

Tackling this, I'd just keep it light hearted, and send a nice message to your ex saying it's great he's got a dog, the kids love it, but as he can afford a dog, would he now like to also pay to support his children?

The issue is not to do with the dog, or the lack of maintenance - that is a whole other issue in itself. I was merely highlighting that the maintenance issue was probably the reason for him wanting to keep it a secret. He worried his children and put them in a difficult position to cover his own back out of his selfish desire to avoid paying maintenance. I have no problem with him having a dog, it is his choice, I cannot dictate that kind of thing to him.

They didn't need to tell me about the dog. It was their behaviour surrounding what at first was just 'something they couldn't tell me because he had told them not to' that I found disturbing, and then seeing how upset they were when the 'secret' was revealed, which by the way I didn't force them to divulge. I mentioned something and my youngest said that's right mummy, that's what it is - so I actually found out by guessing! They have never before come home from anywhere and behaved in such a way, it was completely out of character, and it concerned me.

Anyway, I have spoken to him, and he has apologised. He admitted he told them to keep it a secret so I wouldn't get on his back about maintenance. I simply said that the maintenance issue was a whole other ball game, but that this was about teaching his children to lie and keep secrets from their parents. We talked about the wider implications for teaching the kids that lying and secrets are acceptable. He could see what I was getting at when I said about a kid bullying at school, and you teach your kids to always tell a teacher regardless of what the bully says, and also about an abuser telling them not to tell parents - that they absoutely must tell someone. I said that it is going to be very hard to convince them to follow this rule in life when their own dad is telling them to do the opposite over something so silly.

So that is it now, I feel happier that it is sorted.

Thanks for all the input and advice.

mrs_marty

My ex husband does this if its not keep it a secret its tell your mum you cant remember. I keep having to pull him up on it, I hope your chat was more successful x

Mojisola

mrsspendalot wrote: »

Anyway, I have spoken to him, and he has apologised. He admitted he told them to keep it a secret so I wouldn't get on his back about maintenance. I simply said that the maintenance issue was a whole other ball game, but that this was about teaching his children to lie and keep secrets from their parents. We talked about the wider implications for teaching the kids that lying and secrets are acceptable. He could see what I was getting at when I said about a kid bullying at school, and you teach your kids to always tell a teacher regardless of what the bully says, and also about an abuser telling them not to tell parents - that they absoutely must tell someone. I said that it is going to be very hard to convince them to follow this rule in life when their own dad is telling them to do the opposite over something so silly.

So that is it now, I feel happier that it is sorted.

I'm glad you've got it sorted. The bit in bold is the part that would have made me very cross about him telling them to keep secrets. Most abuse happens within families or involves close friends of the family and all abusers force the victims to keep secrets. My children were always told that if someone asked them to keep secrets from Mum and Dad, it was vital that they told us.

I can't imagine the stress it would cause children to be asked by one parent to keep secrets from the other.