wife about to find out about my debt

clueless24

Hi Smidge
As a wife who has been on the other side of your problem I would say tell her, I found the lies worse than anything else, I didn't find out about the problem until the 7 day notice arrived for repossesion, I was homeless with 3 young children, we did split up but got back together only for him to do the same thing again, eventually we did divorce and both of us have moved on, the one thing he did learn was that if he had told me sooner we could have worked it out together I loved him and would have been supportive it's the lies and deceit that did the real damage. In any relationship you have to have trust if you don't have that you have nothing. The only other thing I would say is that you should have a plan, so that you don't just tell her the problem you are able to offer a solution. Be strong admit you have done wrong and tell her that you need her to help you get through this, it will be hard with lots of tears and angry words, take your punishment and work together.
Good Luck x

dancingfairy

I think you need to find out what happened to the debts - normally if you haven't made contact with the companies within 7 years in writing or paid them and they haven't got any CCJ's against you the nthe debt becomes stature barred and you don't have to pay it.
The confusing thing is that you signed up for an IVA - you really need to know whether the IVA was either not set-up - ie you cancelled it by not paying the first payment or whether because you'd signed up for it, it would be classed as a failed IVA.
I'm not sure whether having a failed IVA (as opposed to cancelling one before it had technically started) would affect whether the debts were statute barred or not - that is the key question.
Obviously if they are statue barred you need worry less but if not then you need to tackle things differently.
I think you probably need to get copies of all your credit records to find out whats on there and also maybe get in touch with the IVA company or look on the register to see whether you are on there- sorry I'm not sure what the register is called. It might be worth going over to the IVA board on here to work out what the status is with the IVA as they may have more specialist knowledge.
df

NewStart09

I have been the wife on the other side, I found out about my OH debt when I got invited to the Accountant office, the insolvency Accountant that is!

I sat there in complete shock, end result was bankruptcy, for both of us, as he had listed me on his accounts, I did not even know existed, after the roof settled, I did stick it out with him for a time, until he again tried to lie to me, only thing was, I learned from my experience and severed all financial liabilities (no more joint anything!)

End result, we are now divorcing, I am much happier not living with a deceitful man, I like the lady listed above would have gone to the end of the earth for that man, had he not lied and decieved me.

Even after the bankruptcy.

Because I did love him, and at the end of the day, it was only debt (money), but had he actually come to me earlier I may have been able to pay some of it off, before it got out of hand.

It truely was everything he did after the bankruptcy that killed off the marriage, so with her not really oweing anything, and you not listed on her house, that would help, but there are still implications regarding bankruptcy that would affect her, if you were to stay together. So consider your options carefully.

Truth is always the best option, as it leads to trust, destroy the trust in a relationship and there is none!

Good Luck,
NewStart09

dbt3mummy

Did you creditors agree to the IVA? Usually if it fails then there is no option but to make you bankrupt but this would of happened years ago.

Please tell your wife - the worst is she may be mad and kick you out etc but then she may be able to see beyond that and hold your hand through this. At the end of the day she married you for a reason and life is too short to keep running. Stand up and face what is coming - it may not be as bad as it seems. And to be honest, until you do face it you will probably never learn.

Being is this situation really makes you realise the true value of money. Both my DH and I came from a working but better off background and we were never really taught this. We learnt the hard way - but we have learnt.

smidge40

Hi

thanks for everysone's advice.

I have sent off the statute barred letter at the weekend, so keeping fingers crossed, however today i recieved a letter from these solicitors saying along the lines off that no payment has been recieved and now they have placed a default notice on and also saying that an agent (i presume a debt collector) round to the house to get payment. how long would that take?? Now making me sick with worry even more than i already am.
I have also found out that the debt they are chasing only relates to one creditor (Lloyds TSB), so i guess it will only be a matter of time before others start chasing.

I am still trying very hard to pluck the courage up to tell the wife. i have to do it this week.
I am totally ashamed of myself for getting into this mess, i just wish i was offered the BR route, as back then i had nothing to lose, and now it would of been in a position to start all over again.
KR
Smidge

LisaLou1982

Hi Smidge,
I dont have any personal experience with what youre going through but like the others have said, please tell your wife. Its awful feeling like you have been decieved by the person you love. 2 people can get through anything together with love and honesty.

Pick a day and just tell her that you need to talk to her about something. As soon as you say that, the rest will just flow out xx

dirtyepic

Hi Smidge

Please tell your wife, but it may be worthwhile to also make sure she knows that you have thought about the consequences of telling her.

I told my husband last week of my personal debt that I have managed to accumulate over the past few years. It's taken me months to do so, I felt so dishonest and was so disappointed in myself for letting me get into this situation. I knew he would be very disappointed and he has admitted this but he has been okay. He can't understand how I can get like this but he appreciated that I have started to do something about it and he wasn't as bad as I thought. I had all the bad thoughts, all of the 'what if's' but we are still okay. I have to prove myself almost all of the time now and I don't care because I managed to pluck up the courage and tell him.

Even if it doesn't go well at first it's a massive worry off your mind - please tell her.

Best of luck with everything.

T
aka
dirty epic

RickfromHerts

Hi Smidge

Definitely tell your wife; the worst thing that could happen is that she finds all of this out for herself! It's the whole fight or flight scenario - start the fight now and come clean! It will be the hardest thing you've ever had to do but also one of the most important.

As stated, a problem shared is often a problem halved and speaking from experience I am an advocate of this! You may have made mistakes in the past, but don't make one right now that you could regret for the rest of your life.

The road to recovery can begin here, or you can continue to dig that big hole that's going nowhere - do the right thing.

Verbatim

Hi Smidge,

As someone else asked, where did the money go? Is there an underlying problem with gambling or something?

savingholmes

Hi Smidge

Good luck with the statute barred letter

Definitely go and have a look at the IVA board and ask for more advice there

Perhaps ring CCCS or National Debtline to see if they can advise

I personally would tell your wife. At one point we were overspending by £1K a month - we turned that around when I first joined MSE to paying off £1k a month.... it is amazing what you can achieve when you both commit to it together

I think if there is an underlying problem - you need to get that resolved too otherwise whatever you find as a solution will come unstuck again