Don't know what to do?

clearing_out_my_pockets

Looking at things from another perspective - how long is it since you moved in together? Perhaps your OH is worried about saving the money in time for a wedding in 18 months time?

By the time we get married, we'd have been engaged for a touch under three years. We also wanted to clear debt and get a place together. However we decided on a date and chose a venue that would let us move the date back (or forward) if we needed to. Fortunately we haven't needed to.

I think you need to have a rational discussion about *what* he is scared of.

Alibear

Just to offer a slightly different perspective...

I got engaged last December and we'd originally planned to get married in 2013 for a variety of reasons (too long to go into now). I decided I wanted to do it sooner and told him. Queue big 'discussion' (row) about why this was, why he was being selfish, why I was being selfish, best way to compromise, etc. I told him if we married this year I'd be happy to have a smaller affair on a tight budget. He didn't want that. We decided to stop arguing about it as getting married is meant to be a joyous affair and just think on it for a week.

A week passed and, bless him, he'd reserved two dates (for two weeks, no obligation) later this year at the venue we wanted and said because other things we'd wanted to do had happened quicker than expected there was no reason why we couldn't marry this year. But instead of being the happiest girl in the world, I froze. I have no idea why - I'd continued to look at wedding dresses, thinking about colour schemes, drawing up guest lists etc, and it scared me. I kept calm and told him we should think about this properly, he said fine, we've got two weeks to tell the venue anyway. I took a couple of days to think about why I was scared and realised once I knew it wasn't because I didn't want to marry HIM (because I do, so much!), the reason why didn't matter. It just didn't feel right to me. Maybe it turned out I didn't want to be rushed... We've now decided on a date next year, which does feel right, and I really am the happiest girl in the world!

So, my advice would be to just take a step back. Ask him why he wants to get married, what he wants out of it, how he visualises the wedding happening, how many guests, best man, stag do etc...That way setting the date (not to mention the excitement!) might come naturally.

runnerbean17

I always wanted to get married but my DH wasn't as keen ( :rotfl: obviously I changed his mind) He was scared of a big wedding not a long marriage

Marriage is all about compromise - we all have our faults and our opinions etc. We got married - a very small affair, in fact we were the only 2 there, aside from 2 random witnesses:rotfl:

Talk, talk and talk some more, you're upset, he probably is too (in his own manly way!)

bride2be2012

Thanks for all the support and advice guys, means a lot!

One of the main reasons I'm so confused, is that he is quite happy to discuss things like the guest list, wedding cars, wedding cake, we've even been to view a couple of venues! Yet he just refuses to point blank set a date! When we're visiting friends and family, and they ask us about our weddings plans, he's quite happy to talk about things, then finish the conversation - 'but it won't be for a while yet!'

Been having a think to myself today, I think there are two main things bothering him. Firstly, he's lost contact with his best friend, who he has asked to be best man. They grew up together, but both moved away (but only about an hour or so apart!). He tries phoning and texting him, but gets not reply most of the time. He's now decided that he no longer wants his friend to be his best man, and is going to ask his big brother, who he looks up to a lot.

And there lies the second issue - his big brother split up with his wife at the end of last year, after nearly twenty years together. I think this has panicked my OH somewhat. I also think he is wary of asking his brother to be best man, given the circumstances. His brother is still very raw after the breakup (understandable), and so I think my OH doesn't want to be rubbing his face in it (which I think is right, given his brothers circumstances!)

I think I'm going to try and have a chat with him when he comes home, without getting upset hopfully! If I can even just find out why he feels this way, it would be a start! Will let you know how I get on x

Emma1988

bride2be2012, they could both be good reasons as to why hes feeling abit like that. But i what he needs to realise is that you need to know why, and that you cant play guesswork!

Good luck x

sweetilemon

It sounds a bad atmosphere but he obviously still loves you and wants to marry you. sometimes men just dont think things through...when he asked you to marry him he maybe just didnt think about all the plnning. my friends oh said after they got engaged 'didnt realise what i was getting into'. Dont feel like he doesnt want to be with you just understand he may feel a bit overwhelmed esp if youve just moved in together. dont mean to ne rude but are you both young? if his friends are all still not married he may just feel likes its a bit much at the one time. if i were you i would maybe ask him if he would go to the wedding fayre with you just to look but not with the view of setting a date with the hope it inspires him a little.

twirlypinky

What a !!!!!! situation, I'm so sorry, that must be rubbish. I'm not going to try to advise you on what to do because i know i wouldn't follow it myself. Here's what i would do.

Give him the engagement ring back and tell him you only want it when you're properly engaged and if he doesn't want to get married then he shouldn't ask you to marry him and then be surprised that you're expecting a wedding. He has caused this whole mess so i would personally just put the whole thing back into his lap. I then wouldn't mention it again to be honest. If he then brings it up, tell him you're not interested until he proposes again with the ring in one hand and his diary in the other.

xxx

PootleFlump_3

I personally wouldnt give him the ring back or take it off as that will probably make the situation worse and make you look a bit like you are throwing the toys out the pram without fully understanding where he is coming from (and also put you in the situation where other people will start asking why you havent got it on.) Granted, its not your fault as he should be able to tell you why he has gone cold about it. I would just try and have a relaxed chat with him and tell him that you need to understand what he is concerned about. By the sounds of it he loves you and ultimately does want the same thing as you so Im sure with a bit of probing he will explain it all to you and it maybe isnt as bad as it currently seems.

celyn90

I agree, I wouldn't give him the ring back either - you risk not getting it back at all. Him giving you the ring in the first place is an indication that he wants to marry you - as do you by the act of accepting it. Keeping it shows you still want that and are serious about it.

Give him some headspace then maybe he'll open up a bit as to why he feels the way he does. You say he's happy to discuss wedding plans - but is he happy to discuss or happy to listen to them? What does he want when you eventually get married?

I can see how hard it is for you, you obviously care deeply for each other and I wish you all the best. cel x

bride2be2012

Hi guys

We'll we had a bit of a chat last night, and things have definately improved :-)

He said that part of the reason he's panicing was because of his brother recently separting - there's 10 years between OH and his big brother, he's always looked up to his brother and though he had pretty much the perfect life: lovely house, nice cars, wife and 3 kids - and know it's come crashing down around him, and has panicked OH a bit. We talked about how things are different for us, and although everything looked perfect for his brother, things obviously weren't right.

OH also said he feels the last year has been a bit of a whirlwind and just wants to slow down a bit. I can see where he's coming from in that respect - in 13 months, we have got engaged, he has moved from the town where he grew up to where I live (over 150 miles away, leaving his family and friends behind), started a new job and we have just moved into our own house. He also said that he feels this shows just a big a commitment, if not more, than getting married. Not quite sure I agree, but I do know where he is coming from! All this didn't really occur to me until last night, as although I love planning (can't wait til I can finally start properly on the wedding!) I've always been one for just getting out there and doing things - OH says that's one of the things he loves about me, and wishes he could be more like that, but it's just going to take him time.

To the person who asked if we are both young, OH is 31 and I'm 26. However, this is the first time OH has ever lived on his own - he stayed with his parents up until last April, then we were staying with my folks for a while to save money - we only got our own place last month. Me on the other hand, I went to uni at 18, been travelling etc, only moving back with the folks when my money runs out lol.

So we're not really any further forward, but I understand where he's coming from now, and he also realises how much getting married means to me, and that its not the wedding that matters to me, but the marriage itself.

Thanks for all the support and advice guys

xxx