Don't know what to do?

bride2be2012

Hi guys, haven't been posting much recently as we've just moved house, all settled now which is good.

Anyway, I've been engaged just over a year now. We decided when we got enagaged that the wedding would be a few years away, to let us save up, pay off some debts and get our own place (living with the folks at the time).

Roll forward a year, we have our own place, debts are getting smaller and OH had told me at the end of last year, once we get our own place, we could set a date for the wedding.

Come in from work last night, and was all excited as I'd just heard there was a wedding fair on this weekend in town, so was telling OH, and mentioned now we have our own place, it'd be good to start thinking about setting a date, how about next Autumn? OH goes really quiet, and eventually says he doesn't know when he wants to get married; that he's scared and doesn't know when he'll want to get married!!! At which point I got quite upset, thinking he meant he didn't want to get married at all - but he assures me he does, that he loves me, but just doesn't know when he'll be ready to get married. AGHHHHH!

So we have a chat and I calmed down a bit, but he still wouldn't explain why he was so scared, or even what he was scared off. If he felt like this, why did he even propose last year - all I've done for the last year is think about our wedding, and now he tells me he doesn't know even know when he wants to get married!

Anyway, this morning I was a bit teary still, and OH lost it, saying no wonder he didn't want to get married yet when I got so upset over small things! I got really upset again, so much so I've thrown a sickie at work today as I couldn't face going in - not like me at all. OH apologised, but is still a bit off with me.

So what do I do now? He seems to think I'm getting upset in order to make him feel bad so he'll change his mind - which makes me more upset and angry, as it's him not understanding how much us getting married would mean to me that's making me upset!

Anway, sorry for ranting, just have no-one else to talk to at the moment!

sammy_wheeler

sorry to hear you having a rubbish time. i would let things calm down a little before you brooch the subject again, i think he needs time to cool off. although i dont feel he is being fair to you- why get engaged if he doesnt want to get married.
how would you normally commicate with his?-would it help writtting him a letter explaining how its making you feel?
wedding planning can put a reall strain on couples and you dont want that in this early stage.

not much help i know. hope you are ok

Emma1988

Poor you indeed! Id be exactly the same in your position. Totally unfair, why get engaged if he now wants to slow things down?! What an idiot. Sorry i have no advice of such, but i hope your okay xxx

Stephb1986_2

MEN!

I would do the complete opposite and go off the idea of getting married take off your engagement ring and put it somewhere safe until you decide you want to wear it and he's got some balls and decided what he bloody well wants. I hate it when men say one thing and then mean another it drives me mad!!!

Hugs

Steph xx

bride2be2012

Thanks guys. The thing is he is insisting he does want to marry me, but he just can't tell me when he'll be ready to get married!

Last thing I want to do is push him into something he doesn't want.

He did say last night that he thought we'd be engaged a couple of years before we get married - but trying to explain to him that by Autumn next year, we'll have been engaged about 2.5 years (but would need to start thinking about things now) was like banging my head of a brick wall!

Emma1988

Steph, i like your idea of taking your engagement ring off! and you could say to him, well whats the point in wearing it if i have no idea what the future holds until one day you decide your ready!
I mean he should have realised that asking you to marry him will make you wnat to plan, get organised and focused for the most important day of your life! x

Mrs_Moore_To_Be

Stephb1986 wrote: »

MEN!

I would do the complete opposite and go off the idea of getting married take off your engagement ring and put it somewhere safe until you decide you want to wear it and he's got some balls and decided what he bloody well wants. I hate it when men say one thing and then mean another it drives me mad!!!

Hugs

Steph xx

I second this :T

Take your ring off, and as calmly as you can tell him that you dont understand why he is scared of getting married, and that if and when he is ready to talk, you will be there for him to work through it together as a couple. Tell him that you love him dearly but that you dont feel happy wearing the ring until he is ready to set a date or talk about putting plans in motion.

At this point he will prob try and jump in, before he can assure him that it isnt your way of pushing him to do so. But in the same way he has feeling about not setting a date, you have strong feelings about wearing an outward symbol of the commitment to get married when you have no idea when it will happen.

If you can do all of this without crying I think it will have a bigger impact (I know its hard)

Then make some plans over the next few weeks to catch up with family/friends etc, anything to keep you busy.

All the while giving him food for thought

I bet he will soon come to his senses, or at least sit down and talk about it with you.

Hope this helps xx

LEJC

Oh poor you...you really are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Sometimes men are just happy to let things tick along and it seems that your boyfriend may be feeling a little uncomfortable about moving his life on....you have to remember that in his mind hes made a commitment to you by getting a house and becoming engaged...thats 2 big steps and perhaps hes not quite ready to make that final leap into marriage as he doesnt realise the planning and saving may indeed take a few years.

You do need to talk it through...calmly and possibly decide where he sees himself in the future and when....
he may say that he didnt realise it took so long to plan a wedding..afterall its the bride that does most of it!

You need to explain to him that it is important to you to move beyond being an engaged couple and he needs to make the decision to move forward with you or not...

Its something that needs clearing up and discussing together and it being what you both want....its not the type of decision you can make for him but also its not fair of him to keep you holding onto the promise of something that he cant give you....

you may even need to take sometime just to enjoy being a couple again...and having dates etc... you've both done exceptionally well at reducing your debts and buying your house....but you may both need to remember why you fell in love in the first place! ...take the heat off the wedding for a while and hopefully your plans will naturally fall back into place.

smcqis

I dont understand men who get engaged but arent ready for marriage, its pointless. Its like have a luxury house and living in a tent in the garden!

Dekazer

Oh that sounds so hard. It sounds like you've both gone slightly past the point of being able to talk calmly about it - it seems like there's so much emotion on both sides that you're struggling to express yourselves, or understand each other.

Would either of you consider trying some couples counselling? It's not just for people on the brink of splitting up - it's for all couples who need a bit of help sorting out a tricky problem. (My step-mother's a Relate counsellor and is a big advocate of seeking help when things get hard).

Relate can offer support over the phone and via email, as well as in person.

FlowerPower

Aww so sorry to hear about what happened. It seems mean of him to have a go at you for being upset about such a big thing as well!
It sounds like there are positives there though - he does want to get married, but has admitted to you that he's feeling scared, which is good he trusts you enough to admit this.

Here's the sort of things I would try:
Empathise with him being scared, if you can. E.g. mention stuff about the marriage that you are scared of - maybe perhaps how your life might change in X,Y,Z ways
Say that you won't rush him to commit to a date, as you want to get married when you're both ready (although it might be worth setting a limit on this one!)
Let him know being married will mean a huge amount to you, because of X,Y,Z.
Focus on why you're with him in the first place - it's easy to start getting so involved in wedding related stuff, that you forget to do the couply stuff that you did before.
Try not to get too upset if he does tell you what he's scared of - it may be silly things, like not being able to hang out with the lads anymore etc, but he's probably just needing reassurance

I don't know if any of that will be helpful, or sticking my nose in too much! Hope you get it sorted, hopefully it will all blow over soon. Good luck x