ex and contact with his child

bonjovibel_729

hiya was hopin for some advice me and my husband seperated last june and since then he has had regular contact withi his son who is 3...as we seperated close to the summer holidays and my son was not in school he was seeing him for a few days during the week...however when my son started school in september i thought it better to get an established pattern going and was advised in mediation that my son has a base from which he can call his home (my home) and then visits his dad on a regular basis...

i had no problem with this however my ex was suggeasting he goes to his house one day and then back with me for two days then back withi him for three days and then alternate it every week with a different pattern( this was cos he works different shifts)

althought initially not fond of this idea i did agree to it on a temporary basis until he started school by which another agreement had to come into place....

after he started school i told my ex he cud have our son every other weekend(as he works one weekend) and around three nights a week after skool til around 7 as i wanted to try and put into practice what the mediator had said and try and get him into a stable position where he knows where he is going after school and knows that he will always be coming home to his bed at my house every night.....

however my ex did not agree with this and argued he shud have him overight at least four nights a week...i obviously did not agree to this and since september my ex has only been seeing him every other weekend as he says if he cant have him the hours he wants he is not goin to bother having him at all during the week...

the past few timesh e has had him he has been refusing to bring him back either to the point where i have to go bang on his door to get him back..i know not good for our son....or have to wait for him to decide to bring him back which is sometimes days .....

snce the last time he did this i was advised by my solicuitor to warn him if he does it again to cut off all contact until it has been decided in court....( i obviously dont want to do this ) but feel i have been given no choice...he was supposed to have contact this weeekend but has been sending me abusive text messages sayin he can do whatever he likes and can take him out of skool anytime he likes and i can do nothin about it...i know this is true as he has parental responsibilityso am obviously worried he will jsut show up at school and take him without me knowing (my son comes home on the bus)

he has text me tonight sayin if i refuse him contact this weekend he has got his solicitor to apply for an emeergency residents order tomorrow....

my question is after that long winded story is will he be granted a residents order???he is on sick leave at the moment so can look after him at the moment....how are residents orders decided ???

any advise wud be appreciated thanks

RAS

You could text back and advice that if your son goes to ex this week, and is not returned by x o'clock on Sunday night, you will go for an emergency residency order on Monday morning first thing.

or go for an order yourself tomorrow am.

Hobo17

I am no expert, but the first thing I would do is put together a list of incidents detailing (with dates) all the communications you have had with him (text, email, conversations) and all the incidents where he has not brought your son back on time or you have had any other problem - then keep it up to date as anything else happens. Also note any impact on your son - was he upset, worried, etc. Obviously keep all the texts or anything else he sends you.

*max*

I think you should try to come to a compromise still. Going to the courts will have a negatice effect on everyone involved, including your son.

Is your son happy enough to spend nights at his dad's? If so, and if it doesn't disturb his going to school, seeing his little friends..etc...I don't see why he can't spend a couple of nights a week at his dad's.

I can see your ex's point of view in all this as well as yours. It must be incredibly hard for your ex to suddenly only see his son 1 weekend out of two and never overnight during the week, compared to the previous arrangement, and he obviously misses him very much. His reaction (not wanting to see him at all during the week) was probably a knee jerk reaction, aimed at you, because he felt put aside. I'm not condoning it, oviously it was very wrong, but I can understand it to some extent.

There isn't just one way to bring up a child, and they can absolutely thrive even in "different" circumstances, and unusual living arrangements too. I hope you manage to come to an agreement, I wish you all the best!

bonjovibel_729

*max* wrote: »

I think you should try to come to a compromise still. Going to the courts will have a negatice effect on everyone involved, including your son.

Is your son happy enough to spend nights at his dad's? If so, and if it doesn't disturb his going to school, seeing his little friends..etc...I don't see why he can't spend a couple of nights a week at his dad's.

I can see your ex's point of view in all this as well as yours. It must be incredibly hard for your ex to suddenly only see his son 1 weekend out of two and never overnight during the week, compared to the previous arrangement, and he obviously misses him very much. His reaction (not wanting to see him at all during the week) was probably a knee jerk reaction, aimed at you, because he felt put aside. I'm not condoning it, oviously it was very wrong, but I can understand it to some extent.

There isn't just one way to bring up a child, and they can absolutely thrive even in "different" circumstances, and unusual living arrangements too. I hope you manage to come to an agreement, I wish you all the best!

hi thanks but if he had shown an interest in seeing his son during the week after school i would have been more leniant to tryin overnight stays but as makes no contact when my son is with me not even to ask how he is i hardly see why i shud allow this.....he makes absolutely no effort to keep in contact with him...he is very selfish and even left my son in a dirty nappy in school for an hour and half because 'it was my turn' even tho he lives directly opposite the school...

i cud understand if it was a knee jerk reaction but then again this happened in september not last week i did say to him if we go to court and get everythin finalised then i would be more happy as would not have to deal with abusive message and threatening behaviour anymore but have yet to hear anythin apart from the apparent residents order he is applying for tomorrow......

i understand that things have changed a lot for him and have tried to be reasonable as i see it obviously he thinks otherwise he is now threatening to give up his job so he doesnt have to pay the csa and move back to his home town which is over an hr and half away so potentially the residents order could take my son even further away from me.....

am actually really worried about this as he says he has one of my old diaries detailing things i used to do when i was younger which will prove i am an unfit mother....can this be used in a custody issue??

gratefulforhelp_2

Don't, whatever you do, worry about an old diary. Seriously.

Mojisola

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

however my ex did not agree with this and argued he shud have him overight at least four nights a week...i obviously did not agree to this and since september my ex has only been seeing him every other weekend as he says if he cant have him the hours he wants he is not goin to bother having him at all during the week...

If your son stays with him for four nights in the week, the ex will be seen as the PWC because he has the child for more nights that you. He can then claim Child Benefit and get you to pay him child support.

snce the last time he did this i was advised by my solicuitor to warn him if he does it again to cut off all contact until it has been decided in court....( i obviously dont want to do this ) but feel i have been given no choice...he was supposed to have contact this weeekend but has been sending me abusive text messages sayin he can do whatever he likes and can take him out of skool anytime he likes and i can do nothin about it...i know this is true as he has parental responsibilityso am obviously worried he will jsut show up at school and take him without me knowing (my son comes home on the bus)

Contact the school and make it clear that there are problems and that your son is not to leave the school without your knowledge. Both parents may have parental responsibility but, as the PWC, your wishes have to be given priority.

Keep all texts and emails. He's a fool to make threats in writing. Show everything to your solicitor and make sure he/she knows about anything your ex may use as ammunition against you. Forewarned is forearmed.

bonjovibel_729

Mojisola wrote: »

Contact the school and make it clear that there are problems and that your son is not to leave the school without your knowledge. Both parents may have parental responsibility but, as the PWC, your wishes have to be given priority.

Keep all texts and emails. He's a fool to make threats writing. Show everything to your solicitor and make sure he/she knows about anything your ex may use as ammunition against you. Forewarned is forearmed.

thanks but i have contacted the school several times and spoken to the head and as he has pr they are unwilling to stop him taking my son out of school they said the mosst they can do is contact me if he does try and take him which by the time i get there he would already have taken him.....stupidly my inbox was full on my mobile the other day and i deleted all the messages was so angry with myself when i realised what i had done but nothin i can do about it now i guess will be going to the solicitors today to find out if there is anythin else i can do

am aware if he has him four nights that will make him the pwc as when we split up he tried to take the child benefit and tax credits from me to pay for his big car (we bought a 7 seater for the kids but obviously he doesnt need it now but he refuses to sell it) and the house he wont let me move back into.....i lost the cb and tax credits for a good few mnths when we first split up while they made a decision which thankfully went my way...is just such a nightmare at the moment feel like im losing the plot lol

chaosweddings

my lovely ex tried to have my son for 4 nights of the week leaving me with just 3 nights, then ds came home from his dads saying dad cant wait to get all the money so he can spend more on me , i asked what money and he said "dad said because i live with him for 4 days he can get child benefit and working tax credit ect now !!

he went on to say that dad wont have to work as many hours now coz the government will pay him money to look after me

so he only wants his son to claim benefits

i put a stop to that
what a bloody cheek, he now only has ds at weekend if he bothers to turn up at all

clearingout

re: the school - put it in writing to them that you wish to be notified if your ex turns up at school and takes your son for any reason. State you recognise that they can't stop him but he has threatened to take him and you are, naturally, concerned as to his motives for doing such a thing so would appreciate immediate notification. My eldest has been in 3 schools - none of them have had an issue with this once it was put in writing.

An emergency residency order is an attempt to get residency of the child. My ex did this to me quoting me as violent and mentally ill but the judge didn't go for it (probably because he was looking for shared residency overall which, if I'd been violent and mentally ill, he wouldnt' have done, surely?!!!) I wouldn't worry too much. The worst that could happen is your ex gets him legally for a few nights whilst you wait for a court date (likely no more than a few days) to go and put across your side of the story. If your ex can't prove you're neglecting your child (he would need Social Services, school reports, police reports, health visitor reports, etc. etc. etc.) it's unlikely a judge is just going to say 'oh well, Mr X, you want him, you have him!' which is what he's asking for, isn't it?! The court system favours the status quo as long as the child is thriving - so whilst a judge might order CAFCASS to do a report (section 7, probably, where they contact other agencies and speak to both mum and dad), they would maintain the status quo. Taking a child from it's mother is very difficult - and I'm sure there are many dads here who will agree with that - and you really need to be a drug-addicted, alcoholic prostitute before a court will seriously consider it.

What you could suggest to your ex is that you go to mediation again and work things out. He doesn't like things as they are so what can you do, together, to make things better for your son? Don't expect him to go for it - my ex fought me for over a year for shared residency and after getting more or less what he wanted in court (he has the hours he wanted but didn't get shared residency), he has literally walked away from the children. We haven't seen him or heard from him now in 6 weeks - he used to phone them every night he didn't have them. It's very often about power and control and the reality of managing a small child and all their activities alongside a job is too much.