advice about child contact and ex.

animum

Hello all, I am new to the forum and just after some advice about my current situation.

I have been seperated from my husband for 2 years now and am in the middle of divorce proceedings. it is curently held up by issues realting to the Army and pensions etc.

when we seperated I asked for every other weekend as contact and holidays by arrangement. set times for pick u and drop off. I specified this as I know how awful he is for just turning up...or not! He agreed to ths and did not want any extra contact even though I said if he wanted to see her during the week, he could. then he decided that it wasnt flexible enough as sometmes he was on duty, or away on exercise which I said was fair enough and we could plan around that.

cue a horrendous year when he was away in kenya for 6 months, Came back, drove 300 miles to his new girlfrieds, dissapeared on holiday for 2 weeks, came back down to where we are to collect driving license for a hire car, completely ruined my daughters birthday after saying he would take her and friends to cinema....and didnt. and still didnt see daughter after she was expecting to see him after Kenya.

he then split up with said girlfriend, who was coincidentally sayinh he wasnt allowed near me and "she was his family now" it was her that booked holiday flights on Fathers day, conveniently, which jus happend to be daughters birthday too.

things settled for a while, and now its just a complete nightmare with contact..I cant arrange or plan anything.....he asked me to have her two weekends in a row because he was working....didnt turn up. didnt turn up to parents evening after me specifically getting a time which was inconvenient for me, but convenient to him. then to cap it off, asked to have her at half term, to which I agreed to. I m currently in the process of setting up as self employed nd have work booked in for half term.....then today he says oh erm I cant. wouldnt mind but I know most of the time he says he is at work ( extra duties etc)......he is actually not!

so I have now had to cancel prospective work, cant get her in the childcare club I would normally use, as its too late now.

also, at xmas, I said he can come round on xmas day..he chose not to. has since informed me that this year, he is taking her to his mums house, at the other end of country for 2 weeks, so basically expecting me to not see her at all over xmas.....over my dead body!!!!

so any advice? thanks for reading.....it's longer than I thought.

Plans_all_plans

How do you get on with his parents? Could you speak to them about the issues and sort of use them to mediate between the two of you? Would they be willing to see your daughter regularly? It would be a shame for them to miss out because of their son's behaviour if they'd like to be involved with her.

Sorry, no other thoughts, as I've never been in your position! I would be tempted to tell him to shove any ideas of contact where the sun doesn't shine, but your child deserves a relationship with her father: I really feel for you!!

animum

well he only has his mum...we dont really speak that much anymore....we have not fallen out as such, but I know when he has not got his own way, he just tells her a pack of lies, and being his mum, she falls for it , as most parents tend to stick by their own. I have experienced it many a time, and just dont know how he can stand there telling bare faced lies. generally about how " I have stopped him from seeing her" when daughter has decided she didnt want to go up there, because last time daddy slept at the pub and left her in a strange bedroom scared and crying.....he didnt mention that bit funnily enough.

Plans_all_plans

I understand what you're saying, but maybe a phone call to her could be useful...you don't have to slag him off or say he's been useless, maybe just say you think your DD might enjoy seeing her? I'm not sure what others who have experience of this situation think of this idea?

animum

I tried that earlier last year..wasnt nasty or anything, just pointed out the fact , that what she was being told, was not actually correct. she basically said she didnt really want to get involved. which is fair enough. she still writes to my daughter etc and i have said she is welcome anytime....its just that we are at completely opposite ends of the country which makes that not so easy. just feel like I am banging my head off a brick wall. it seems he will do what he wants, when he wants, with no regard to my daughter at all. she seems fine at the moment, but was terribly upset last year. she is getting to the point where she doesnt want to go with him now though.....which then gets passed on to whoever will litsten......that "I have persuaded her not to go". seems to be no comprehension that she is sick of being messed about, as am I.

gratefulforhelp_2

Having been in a similar situ, I would write to him re-stating the original agreement about contact, and making it clear that you wish him to have a relationship with child's name but that you are now reverting to the original agreement and only that, until such time as he proves reliable and consistent in his acting in her best interests by turning up and doing what he says he will.

It is unfair on you, and more importantly the child, to let this carry on. I would also be careful about which methods of communication you use, texts can lead to misunderstandings but on the other hand you can keep them as a record. Letters are better still.

If he is behaving reliably, you shouldn't need to be constantly in touch, since you will both know what the arrangements are and stick to them.

Good luck.

animum

thanks for all replies....its just so frustrating. :mad: I am keeping a written record of all "let downs" and it is huge! but its now interfering with my working life.....and Im sure he is doing it on purpose- he did it when we were together as well. back late when i was due to go to work on a night shift, so making me late and look unreliable.