What a mess! Child Contact / separation / emotional abuse

izzybusy23

Hi there

I wonder if I can offload and get some perspective on my situation from outsiders. Its going to be long, so sorry.

I separated from my ex nearly a year ago come 21st of this month; Ive posted about it before on here and don't really want to repeat myself, but it was over an alleged affair that I kicked him out over and he always denied he had an affair.

During the whole of 2010 life was pretty carp. I fell ill with a stomach disorder and had loads of tests to try to find out what was wrong but I was quite ill with it on and off; my ex was behaving like a moron by calling me vile names, making threats about contacting benefits to say I am defrauding them, tried to end the tenancy behind my back etc, and my DD who was 5 at the time was having a really hard time adjusting to all of the mess. During 2010 he asked us to try again on quite a few occasions; and a couple of times I said yes but we would have to take things slowly to rebuild the trust etc etc; but it always failed as he was never patient enough to wait, he wanted it all back within a few days. So we would go back to being enemies again and the whole sorry charade would start over again; the name calling, threats etc and he would run straight back to the other woman.

At the beginning of this year we seemed to find a happy medium and things were settling down; we became quite friendly over the phone and in texts etc and I could see things improving. A couple of weeks ago he asked if we could try again as he had realised he still loved me and missed his family; and I agreed again. Things were going along great, we all went out as a family; it was looking good. Last week he came to collect DD for school and we were chatting about him moving back nearer to us to help out with DD with school runs and then if everything was fine in a few months look to move back in together; renew our vows, take a 2nd honeymoon, planning on what we were going to do over the summer hols etc. I asked him a few questions about where he was living and he said 'you know where and with whom'.. so I said that coudn't carry on, he needs to move out of that house if things were to start afresh. He said yes I know that and plan to do so ASAP. When he left to take DD to school I text and said sorry if you thought I was being dictatoral but we need no secrets if this is to work. He replied and said yes I know, which is why I have to tell you that I am going away soon and I can't get out of it; so I asked him who with and again he replied you know who with, I really don't want to go but have no choice, can't get out of it'. I went beserk. I told him he was making a complete fool out of me and if he thought in his head that was a totally acceptable thing to be doing then he was living in a dream world and that I deserved better. I didn't hear from him for a few hours, I then get a text to say he had told the other woman he wasn't going on holiday, she had kicked him out and he was now looking for a new place to live. I then get a text from my ex's old number saying 'sorry to contact you but do you know about the holiday'. I text ex and said why you texting me from old and new number and he said i'm not, its the other woman; the old phone was hers and she took it off me this morning to get your number. So I text her back and said I knew all about the holiday, that ex didn't want her anymore and wanted his family back and to leave us alone. That then inspired her to call me. She told me ex has said to her that I had found out about the holiday and threatened to cut off access to DD as it fell over a weekend he was due to have her, so he couldn't risk that happening. She then told me that they had a huge fight, he fronted her up, she jumped up to hit him, he legged it out of the front room and held the door handle up so she couldn't get out, then ran into the bedroom and barricaded the door which she broke down. She admitted she threw things at him and could easily had 'punched his lights out'. Her dad turned up and ordered him out the house. She said she had a feeling things weren't normal lately as he had been acting odd and saying weird things. We had a discussion over various things that have been said and done over the past year and then she dropped the bombshell; she is 9 weeks pregnant and found out on boxing day. Something else the ex didn't tell me when asking us to try again. She said ex had been really happy and excited when she told him and saying 'i hope its twins'. To say I was devastated was an understatement.

Ok, the bit I am coming to is it has become clear he has been acting odd with her lately, there was violence in their home when she is 9 weeks pregnant, he text me a few weeks ago saying he was on the 'edge' and had been told he has a personality disorder bordering on suicidal tendancies and he emailed the other woman basically saying it was his suicide note. He hasn't committed suicide, he's still alive as he bought DD's DS around the next evening, well, left it outside the house like a coward he is. She kept texting me how mental he was, he needed help, he wasn't going anywhere near her after all this etc. However, I have not heard from either of them for over 10 days now. He has messed my head up to the point where I now need to go to counselling; my DD was already having issues at school with anger management and was improving because she thought mummy and daddy were happy together again; and everything is such a mess. I can't let my DD's behaviour get any worse and I can't let him keep destroying her belief in that he is coming home. He has always had some 'mental' issues which I've overlooked in the past because we had a DD together and I married him for better or for worse, but this latest round of lies, deceit and manipulation had done me in and I can't take anymore.

I have told him he is now not to see her without a consent order from the court and I am thinking of supervised visits in a contact centre. Am I correct in thinking I have to turn up and hand DD over to a member of staff and not have to clap eyes on him? Would this also be the case if he doesn't have to have unsupervised; could I arrange pick up and drop off at the contact centre? I never want to see him again, he is never welcome near my home again so I am thinking the contact centre might be a better option.

Any ideas?

Thanks and sorry for the looooooong offload. I wanted to give the whole picture of events which has led up to me saying no to access so you didn't think I was being a spiteful PWC.

podperson

First of all *hugs* sounds like you have had a really tough time lately and I completely agree that your ex has been a complete git (and that is a very mild word for it!!) and I can understand how hurt and upset you must be.
I think though that unfortunately you need to try and separate 'your ex the git' from 'your daughters dad'. Yes his behaviour to you has been awful but you don't mention how he is with your daughter - has he been a decent dad to her, did he have regular contact when you weren't together, do they have a good relationship? She is going to want to see her dad and if you're the one who is stopping this happening then that could damage your own relationship with her in the future.
If you are concerned about his mental problems and think that he might pose an actual threat to your daughter then yes supervised visits would be an option and you could look into dropping her off somewhere - although if there say someone you trusted eg his mum or a close friend who could be a go-between or something then that might be easier for your daughter.
It's understandable that at the moment you don't want to set eyes on him but I know you're a great mum so unfortunately he's going to be at least a minor part of your life due to your daughter. Hope things look up for you x

izzybusy23

podperson wrote: »

First of all *hugs* sounds like you have had a really tough time lately and I completely agree that your ex has been a complete git (and that is a very mild word for it!!) and I can understand how hurt and upset you must be.
I think though that unfortunately you need to try and separate 'your ex the git' from 'your daughters dad'. Yes his behaviour to you has been awful but you don't mention how he is with your daughter - has he been a decent dad to her, did he have regular contact when you weren't together, do they have a good relationship? She is going to want to see her dad and if you're the one who is stopping this happening then that could damage your own relationship with her in the future.
If you are concerned about his mental problems and think that he might pose an actual threat to your daughter then yes supervised visits would be an option and you could look into dropping her off somewhere - although if there say someone you trusted eg his mum or a close friend who could be a go-between or something then that might be easier for your daughter.
It's understandable that at the moment you don't want to set eyes on him but I know you're a great mum so unfortunately he's going to be at least a minor part of your life due to your daughter. Hope things look up for you x

His parents live 45 minute drive away so I can't use them as a drop off and pick up point unfortunately so it needs to be the contact centre.

Hmmmm. as for the decent dad thing. When he lived with us before the split, no, he was vile to her always moaning at her for one thing or another. When we split he suddenly became this doting dad who only lived for for her; but when we had our family day out, we went bowling and my DD kicked off her bowling shoe and it went skidding off. Ex saw what she done and kicked it back at her. It hit her leg and she started to cry, so he said 'whats she crying for now' and when I told him what he had done he said 'of for gods sake **** grow up'... she's not even six yet

The other thing being is that if he and the other woman are back together again, my DD can never go there because they have both demonstrated violence; out the horses mouth of the other woman.. if my ex has showed no restraint against a pregnant woman then what else is he capable of? I know he was probably pushed to his limit being caught out but I can't take that chance.

So do you think contact centre it is then? Do I have to wait for him to initiate contact via a court order first?

moneysavermum_2

You are in charge of YOUR LIFE. You allow him to come and go in and out of your life. You need to creat boundaries for yourself and your family what is acceptable and what isnt.

First this man is not in a good place at all at the moment being around him is not a good thing . Save your sanity and your families by closing the door to him i.e keeping him and his promises at bay.

Secondly do you really want your children growing up around this man and the uncertainty around him.

Thirdly I would go for indirect contact until your child is older and he is in a better place mentally.

I cant understand while you are getting drawn into his life and that of his woman. Hes made his bed now let him lie in it. You know that in a couple of years time hell be in a mess again. Shut the door until he sorts himself out and keep him away from your children until he is level. Indirect contact is the only way at present with a view to supervised later and then full contact when hes settled and mature.

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izzybusy23

nje24 wrote: »

You are in charge of YOUR LIFE. You allow him to come and go in and out of your life. You need to creat boundaries for yourself and your family what is acceptable and what isnt.

First this man is not in a good place at all at the moment being around him is not a good thing . Save your sanity and your families by closing the door to him i.e keeping him and his promises at bay.

Secondly do you really want your children growing up around this man and the uncertainty around him.

Thirdly I would go for indirect contact until your child is older and he is in a better place mentally.

I cant understand while you are getting drawn into his life and that of his ex. Shut the door until he sorts himself out and keep him away from your children until he is level. Indirect contact is the only way at present with a view to supervised later and then full contact when hes settled and mature.

READ WHY CHARMING MEN MAKE DANGEROUS LOVERS BY RELATE IT WILL ANSWER ALL YOUR QUESTIONS

Thank you so much for this post. My mum has been harping on for ages about keeping him away from DD because he is mentally unstable, but I kept trying to keep the waters calm by allowing him to see her etc; but this latest episode has shown me how unstable he is; its frightening.. and I can't allow DD anymore hurt or anguish.

Indirect, do you mean telephone calls? I know he will go to the courts when he is 'stronger' as all last year he kept quoting court order forms to me and residency forms when he was being vile, so I know he's looked it up before.

moneysavermum_2

izzybusy23 wrote: »

Thank you so much for this post. My mum has been harping on for ages about keeping him away from DD because he is mentally unstable, but I keep trying to keep the waters calm by allowing him to see her etc; but this latest episode has shown me how unstable he is; is frightening.. and I can't allow DD anymore hurt or anguish.

Indirect, do you mean telephone calls? I know he will go to the courts when he is 'stronger' as all last year he kept quoting court order forms to me and residency forms when he was being vile, so I know he's looked it up before.

I speak from experience been there wore the tee shirt.........I have 3 children and I keep my ex at arms length cos he too cant do consistent, routine or step up to responsibilities of fatherhood and family life. they can do it for a while but its not long before you are going around in a circle again. You need to read the book its the power and control:
EMOTIONAL ABUSE

• putting another down/name-calling
• ignoring or discounting activities and accomplishments
• withholding approval or affection
• making another feel as if they are crazy in public or through private humiliation
• unreasonable jealousy and suspicion
• playing mind games

moneysavermum_2

izzybusy23 wrote: »

Thank you so much for this post. My mum has been harping on for ages about keeping him away from DD because he is mentally unstable, but I kept trying to keep the waters calm by allowing him to see her etc; but this latest episode has shown me how unstable he is; its frightening.. and I can't allow DD anymore hurt or anguish.

Indirect, do you mean telephone calls? I know he will go to the courts when he is 'stronger' as all last year he kept quoting court order forms to me and residency forms when he was being vile, so I know he's looked it up before.

Yes I do and letters. You cant say not to allow him contact. the courts wont allow that really but you can say indirect contact due to his mental health and abuse.

izzybusy23

nje24 wrote: »

I speak from experience been there wore the tee shirt.........I have 3 children and I keep my ex at arms length cos he too cant do consistent, routine or step up to responsibilities of fatherhood and family life. they can do it for a while but its not long before you are going around in a circle again. You need to read the book its the power and control:
EMOTIONAL ABUSE

• putting another down/name-calling
• ignoring or discounting activities and accomplishments
• withholding approval or affection
• making another feel as if they are crazy in public or through private humiliation
• unreasonable jealousy and suspicion
• playing mind games

Wow; the mind games and unreasonable jealousy and suspicion hit a nerve. He constantly plays mind games about child maintenance money, pays it late or threatens to make me go back through the CSA, or threatens to not pay it. The jealousy bit is that he has constantly accused me no end last year of seeing a bloke, having him live with me, going on holiday with him etc etc.. hence the threats to call the benefits and tell them I am defrauding them. He even said I was seeing this bloke whilst we were still married; of course all in his head to make him feel better about his affair. He also resorted to name calling calling me a 'fat council house s**g' (haven't lived in council accomodation since I was a kid I should point out); I'm a fatty and should lose weight for my DD's sake; i'm a cheating wh**e whose had men in HIS bed; my family are inbreds etc etc.

A social worker told me it was emotional abuse back last year what he was doing and told me to report to it to the police domestic abuse unit; but I didn't. Didn't want to look stupid.

elvis86

You are a complete mug and failing your daughter on every level each time you let this scumbag back into your life and your bed.

Get some self-esteem, woman! If not for yourself, for your little girl! Stop waiting around desperately gobbling up every crumb that he throws down (eg the "lovely family outing" that made you sure things were going well again. He physically assaulted your daughter by kicking a bowling shoe at her? Not my idea of a loving family day out that your little girl can remember and treasure forever..:cool:

You say during previous reconciliations he wanted to take things too quickly? Yet, you only got back together the last time " a couple of weeks ago" and were already discussing holidays and renewing wedding vows?! You are equally responsible for exposing your little girl to this chaotic situation and probably screwing her up for life if you carry on (you think you need counselling? Imagine how she feels!).

Take some responsibility, put your child's needs before your own desperation for a man's affection for once, and

sack

him

off!

izzybusy23

elvis86 wrote: »

You are a complete mug and failing your daughter on every level each time you let this scumbag back into your life and your bed.

Get some self-esteem, woman! If not for yourself, for your little girl! Stop waiting around desperately gobbling up every crumb that he throws down (eg the "lovely family outing" that made you sure things were going well again. He physically assaulted your daughter by kicking a bowling shoe at her? Not my idea of a loving family day out that your little girl can remember and treasure forever..:cool:

You say during previous reconciliations he wanted to take things too quickly? Yet, you only got back together the last time " a couple of weeks ago" and were already discussing holidays and renewing wedding vows?! You are equally responsible for exposing your little girl to this chaotic situation and probably screwing her up for life if you carry on (you think you need counselling? Imagine how she feels!).

Take some responsibility, put your child's needs before your own desperation for a man's affection for once, and

sack

him

off!

Sorry typed a long post and internet went down and lost it!

Trust me, I am not desperate for a man's affections, and as for the assumption I had let him back in my bed, that couldn't be wider from the mark; I'm not that stupid. My daughter has had an appalling year and desperately wanted her mummy and daddy back together again; thats all she kept saying. So I said yes about us giving our marriage another go for her sake; and yes I am totally a mug for falling for yet more lies and promises but no more.

But to be fair I have been trying to hold everything together to keep the peace; I haven't stopped contact, he's had her as and when he pleases even though I know he's tempermental. However, now all the latest carp has happened I am not going to put my daughter through anymore of it. I am trying to do the decent thing by saying supervised contact via a contact centre; I can't just cut contact off as that wouldn't look too good in the courts eyes now would it?

And for the record, the renewing of the vows, honeymoon etc were all his ideas! Thats how much he said he wanted his family back; this was something he wanted to do when we were all back living as a family. Trust me, not my idea!

He is a scumbag and I feel totally sorry for his new child on the way; he has 3 kids by 3 different women now so that tells me everything really. My daughter is already having anger management issues; and the last thing I want is for her to go to counselling; although I am very happy to go to family counselling together with her so she knows I will always be there for her and we are 'our family'.

So now given Ive had a few peoples views above, do I go for no contact, indirect contact or supervised contact?

starnight_2

My advise is indirect contact to start with building up if he can prove consistent. I'm saying this from your DD's point of view, she's confused and unhappy, the last thing she needs is more chaos.