Has anyone given up work to look after elderly parent?

lyn127

Sorry, have deleted this message. I didn't explain my reasons very well so decided to delete!

MX5huggy

Would not all the stairs be a problem? May be the garage would be a better place for her?

Do you have your own kids?

lyn127

At the moment stairs aren't a massive problem for her, but I guess there are stair lifts at a later stage.

Nope, no kids (luckily!). The problem with a garage is that it's at the bottom of our garden, would need to be demolished and rebuilt and then apparently it starts becoming a separate building for all sorts of purposes!

Most friends I've spoken to have said that if they were in the position to be able to do this for one of their parents they would.

I hate my job also, so would be good to get out for a few years.:T

sulkisu

I understand the logic behind your mother moving in with you, even paying for the conversion on the loft to be done. I don't quite get the bit about you giving up your job and your mother then paying you to be her 'companion'. From what you have said it doesn't sound as if she needs a full time carer - unless I have misunderstood this - which would obviously be a different matter. I'm guessing that if she can manage stairs up to a loft, she can manage to look after herself while you are at work.

Couldn't she just live with you without having to pay you to stay at home with her, especially if she pays for the loft conversion (which will undoubtedly add value to your house)? You don't mention how much she would be paying you, but if it is enough to repace your salary from two jobs, it must be pretty significant. This seems a bit unfair. At a push I would ask her to contribute to any extra costs incurred by her living with you, food, utilities etc, but nothing else.

If you hate your job and want to leave (we can all relate to that ), either to stay at home or to find alternative employment, I think that is a separate issue.

fabforty

sulkisu wrote: »

I understand the logic behind your mother moving in with you, even paying for the conversion on the loft to be done. I don't quite get the bit about you giving up your job and your mother then paying you to be her 'companion'. From what you have said it doesn't sound as if she needs a full time carer - unless I have misunderstood this - which would obviously be a different matter. I'm guessing that if she can manage stairs up to a loft, she can manage to look after herself while you are at work.

Couldn't she just live with you without having to pay you to stay at home with her, especially if she pays for the loft conversion (which will undoubtedly add value to your house)? You don't mention how much she would be paying you, but if it is enough to repace your salary from two jobs, it must be pretty significant. This seems a bit unfair. At a push I would ask her to contribute to any extra costs incurred by her living with you, food, utilities etc, but nothing else.

If you hate your job and want to leave (we can all relate to that ), either to stay at home or to find alternative employment, I think that is a separate issue.

I must say that I agree with this. OP out of curiosity, how much would your mum be paying you each month? It sounds like your mum will be doing a lot more than contributing to your monthly hosehold costs, she will actually be taking over your share of them - which doesn't sound right. If she will only have sufficient funds to pay you for 7 years, what does she do after that? You say that you might have to find another job at that time, but your mother would not have this option.

As the previous poster says, if you hate your job you should address this separately. Likewise, if you have problems with debts, you need to address these separately (pop over to the DFW boards for tips and advice on how to do this).

ellie101

sulkisu wrote: »

I understand the logic behind your mother moving in with you, even paying for the conversion on the loft to be done. I don't quite get the bit about you giving up your job and your mother then paying you to be her 'companion'. From what you have said it doesn't sound as if she needs a full time carer - unless I have misunderstood this - which would obviously be a different matter. I'm guessing that if she can manage stairs up to a loft, she can manage to look after herself while you are at work.

Couldn't she just live with you without having to pay you to stay at home with her, especially if she pays for the loft conversion (which will undoubtedly add value to your house)? You don't mention how much she would be paying you, but if it is enough to repace your salary from two jobs, it must be pretty significant. This seems a bit unfair. At a push I would ask her to contribute to any extra costs incurred by her living with you, food, utilities etc, but nothing else.

If you hate your job and want to leave (we can all relate to that ), either to stay at home or to find alternative employment, I think that is a separate issue.

I'd agree with the above.

If your mother is well enough to be alone all day and get up stairs it doesn't make sense for her to pay you a "salary" for 7 years (then does it run out as her money has gone?) as it's very difficult to tell how extensive her care needs may be at a later date. Wouldn't it be better for her to save this money in case she becomes very ill and needs care?

Also, it may not be possible to get a stair lift up to the loft. I looked into stair lifts in case my mother needed them, and they ask you about the stairs etc/set-up they will go-on. She ended up not needing them as she could get up the stairs until the end. However, it was important to get out the house for my mother (when it wasn't freezing outside) as it helped her to see others (and not mainly me). If for any reason you can't get the stair lift that could cause issues.

I think it's very difficult to know what will happen/how you will react to it all as well. If your mother sells her house and gets your loft converted, it could be a huge life transition for all of you. I found it very hard when I took redundancy to look after my mother (for a year or so). She could still get up stairs, however I cooked/cleaned for her etc as she was very ill generally from years of treatment, I wanted to keep her fed properly to try and keep her alive as long as possible (she was terminally ill). It was very emotionally draining, might not be the same in your case if your mother isn't ill.. wouldn't it be better to just help her out as and when needed until a later date?

elsien

My mother and I would be at daggers drawn in less than a week! We get on well as long as we have our own space, but when mum moved into my loft for 6 months we both got on each others nerves very quickly.
As a carer for her I'd probably turn into a granny batterer. (And this is from someone who is a carer for a living - I'm just very realistic about my relationship with my mother and how it is likely to turn out.)

I have to say I think there may be money issues further down the line. If your mum sells her house, pays for your loft conversion, then pays your salary, what happens if/when things don't work out or the set up no longer works for you both? She's left with very little which hugely reduces her options at a time when she really needs the money. And you being paid a wage may lead to resentment if she feels she's not getting her money's worth, purely because she doesn't need the help at the moment. These things may seem like a good idea now, but resentments and differences may surface later on when the reality sinks in.
If your mum is independent but struggling emotionally, could she not consider other options such as sheltered accommodation, or find ways to widen her circle of support? My grandmother is housebound and has very little mobility but manages perfectly well in her own home with carers going in twice a day for a couple of hours, meals on wheels, and a relative who calls in most days to check there are no other problems. And is much happier in her own home than she would be anywhere else. She has lifeline as well, and even though the carers don't do very much at times, it gives her the security of knowing that someone will be calling in twice a day. Her panic attacks have completely stopped, and we believe it is purely because she now knows that even when family are away there is always someone there for her.

viktory

It sounds like you have considerably more to gain from this than your mother does.

lyn127

Perhaps I didn't make myself really clear.

I'm not doing this to "rip off my mum" as obviously some have interpreted! My mum actually asked whether I'd give up work so I'd be around for her (she has lots of stuff like hospital appointments etc) and perhaps then be able to take her shopping, if she wanted to try an elderly person's fitness class etc. etc. That's more at the moment what she wants, almost a babysitter I guess!

I wasn't really asking for recriminations about how much I was going to "gain" by this financially! Other than the fact that she would obviously be contributing to utility bills (which she wants to do) there is no financial gain for me whatsoever really!

I've already told her that while she is still "reasonably" mobile and capable of doing stuff like popping to the shops, making a cup of tea etc. there's not much point me giving up work and depleting the proceeds of the sale of her house. Yes I don't like my job, how many people actually love their job, but I'd stick at it for a bit longer if my mum was okay on her own.

At the moment it's a drain on myself and my husband to keep going around there for various reasons for her so it would be a "win win" situation all around (emotionally for the main part!) for everyone. My dad died a few years ago and the few friends she has got are all married so have their own lives to lead so she doesn't like to keep calling on them!

Newly_retired

If I were your mother I would not want to be confined to the loft! I know you said it was her idea, but I'm not convinced this idea is well throught through.
Have you considered other options - sheltered accommodation - still independent but a warden on call, or a property where she could have a ground floor extension?
When I next move, I want to be near my daughter, but not live with her. As someone else said, we would drive each other mad within a week, much as we love each other. I want a dormer bungalow so I can continue to sleep upstairs ( good exercise) as long as possible but when I can no longer manage stairs I can then use a downstairs room as a bedroom.
I don't think your mother should become dependant on you at this stage.That may come later. She is still young and active enough to make her own friends, lunch clubs, interest groups etc.

Oldernotwiser

I think that the loft's a really bad idea for an elderly person, even one who's suggested it. If the loft's the only way of extending, couldn't you make it into a suite for you and your husband and convert the garage or other rooms on a lower level for your mother's use. With a major change like this you have to plan for the future rather than just the short term.

You also mention the "£100 pw threshold" and I wonder what this refers to. I also can't see why living a couple of streets away should be a problem.

I think that you should be more concerned with your mother's future security than with paying off your debts and ensure that, at the very least, she's added to the deeds of the house.