Contact Issues

Kellynov1978

Hi

Not sure if this is the correct forum to post in as its a money saving website but had some brilliant advice in the past so thought I may aswell!!
My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years and married for 2 years. we have 1 child together aged 3 and I have 2 children from a previous relationship aged 11 and 7.
My husband and his ex-wife have 3 children together,ages 7, 9 and 11. Just over 2 years ago his ex-wife stopped my husband from having any contact with them. Without going into a very long story, there was no real reason for this, just that we asked to change the contact from every other weekend Fri-Sun to every other weekend just sat and sun daytime (no overnight) we advised her this would be temporary but she refused and said either all weekend or not at all, she hasn't let him see them since, although we have tried on numerous occasions to reinstate contact she has always refused. We couldn't afford to go through the courts as we are still paying off a £2000 solicitors bill from previous contact issues. She has even returned birthday cards to us unopened. yesterday she turned up on our doorstep out of the blue stating that their elsest son wanted to have contact again (he is 11). She arranged to come and see my husband today to discuss contact arrangements, but stated that she did not wish me to be involved in any discussions regarding the children and did not want me present when she spoke to my husband. I complied with this and went out this morning when she came round. When I returned my husband said she had walked in said I have some rules, some of which your wife won't like, they had then begun arguing about the past and she walked out after 10 minutes. They hadn't even discussed any arrangements for contact. I have sent her an e-mail today, explaining that unless both she and my husband are able to leave the past behind they are never going to be able to move forward for the sake of the children. I have not yet received a reply. Should we just leave it and resign ourselves to the fact that he probably won't get to see them now or is there anything else we can do?? Sorry for the long post just didn't want to miss anything out!!

RAS

You should not be sending your OH's ex any e-mails about contact.

I advise that you keep out of this altogether.

What you could usefully do is contact a poster on here whose OH won shared care of his son recently, representing himself in court. Here is the most recent thread https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2964100

Kellynov1978

RAS wrote: »

You should not be sending your OH's ex any e-mails about contact.

I advise that you keep out of this altogether.

What you could usefully do is contact a poster on here whose OH won shared care of his son recently, representing himself in court. Here is the most recent thread https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2964100

Thanks for the link, after all this time I didn't realise we didn't need a solicitor to go to court!! My e-mail to her was quite nice and i was very diplomatic, just trying to smooth things over as I have had more success in talking to her in the past so thought it wouldn't hurt to try again I'm just trying to do whats best for all the children involved, but I uinderstand what u are saying, its really not my place i suppose!! its such a sad state of affairs, my 3 year old doesn't even know who his brothers are as he was only 6 months old when contact ceased

RAS

fairly certain lepetit would be happy to advise if you send a pm.

RAS

Also remember that contact is not about your OH's rights or the ex's.

It is about the children's rights to have contact with both parents, which she is currently denying her children. That does not go down well in court.

Suggest your OH writes to her suggesting mediation. If she declines, write suggesting times and dates unless she provides alternatives.

puddy

This message needs to get across to families more clearly-

there is no need for legal representation at court for contact issues

ask your OH to look at families need fathers, there are also other groups which give really good advice about how to represent yourself.

i agree with above that the communication needs to be between OH and his ex, however, to say you are nothing to do with it at all is not true. when,,, when,,, your OHs kids start to resume a relationship with their father as quite rightly they should have, they will also be building a relationship with their half sibling and you are the mother of that half sibling, you are part of these children's family by being their father's wife and mother of their sibling

get your OH to make an application tomorrow for contact, let the court do the rest

Jinx

When I returned my husband said she had walked in said I have some rules, some of which your wife won't like, they had then begun arguing about the past and she walked out after 10 minutes. They hadn't even discussed any arrangements for contact.

I can understand how that conversation went pear shaped if thats how she started it!!! I agree you need to let them sort our their children, I wouldnt have been happy to get an email from my daughters step-mother and we were on polite terms. However I do wonder what she was going to suggest/demand that you werent going to like??? How very bizarre....

Kellynov1978

I think probably that contact initially take place at her house with her present, which I was quite prepared for and actually agree with!! (the reason she probably thought I wouldn't like it is because at the start of our relationship she was trying to get back with my OH behind my back!!) but I trust my OH implicitly!!. I probably should clarify that the only reason I e-mailed her is because in the past (before all the contact issues arose)she has found it easier to talk to me rather than my OH and has actually made a point of speaking to me regarding the children rather than him so I thought things might seem better coming from me!! I just thought that after the fiasco this morning it probably couldn't get any worse lol!! I should also clarify that my OH has always pais child support aswell, without fail, even though I know this has no effect on any contact issues. We haven't heard anything from her since so looks like we will prob be making an application to the courts and doing it via that route now, thanks for all the advice though, much appreciated.