Emotional and financial upset

nattyt

Sorry if this is wrong place to post but i feel i'm going to explode and need to get stuff off my chest.

Brief history.....had my DD1 when 17, relationship was never going to work and he for various reasons hasn't seen her for 11 years. Met my ex when she was just 5 and he has always been her 'dad'. We proceeded to have 2 more children 3 and 5. We split up 6 months ago. We were supposed to be getting married and it was all booked. However i don't think he ever really wanted to. In the 9 years we were together he never really lived with me properly(worked away during the week but some weekends just wouldn't bother coming home) and in hindsight now i should have been alot stronger about that and put my foot down. The thing is the split wasn't my decision and i just can't get over it. He started seeing someone quite soon after and i have only found out properly (although i had suspicions ages ago) and now it turns out hes moving in with this girl. To say i am hurt and furious is an understatement. Apart from my kids i feel i've just wasted 9 years of my life. I think this maybe some of the reason why i'm so upset. He gets to just pick up from where he was 9 years ago before we met while i am left on my own picking up the pieces and dealing with the emotional upset from it all. The youngest 2 are not really coping at all.
He also hasn't given me any money since 3rd Dec and i've told him if i don't get any by end of the month i'm going to the CSA.
Its all too much and i don't know which way to turn. I am lucky that i have a great support system but they are all far too emotionally involved as well.
Where do i go from here? How do i help the kids through this while i'm still so emotional myself? I just want to move on with my life.

Any advice greatly appreciated. x:(

Apricot

I don't really know what to advise but if this man wouldn't commit after all this time then it's better that you know now so you can move on with your life.

:grouphug:

pinkshoes

You need to see this as a positive rather than a negative.

You spent 9 years with a guy that didn't want to commit to you. It's all very well saying you should have put your foot down, but ultimately you can't change a person, so he probably would have resented you for doing that, so it wouldn't have worked.

You are now rid of someone who didn't want to be with you, so can now move forward with your life.

I'd contact the CSA immediately. Does he have an income to actually pay you from?

nattyt

Thank you and i am beginning to see that. This morning after a sleepless night of thinking i feel so much better. I have to stop beating myself up for what is ultimately his problem not mine.
Yes he has an income....a good one at that. I'd decided in the night that i'm going to go to the CSA. I'm also contacting the CAB about how i put more formal arrangements in place. I also have an appointment with doctor about the kids sleeping (which is terrible) and how they are dealing with it. I don't want them to be screwed up by this. xx

Just_Plain_Jane

nattyt wrote: »

Thank you and i am beginning to see that. This morning after a sleepless night of thinking i feel so much better. I have to stop beating myself up for what is ultimately his problem not mine.
Yes he has an income....a good one at that. I'd decided in the night that i'm going to go to the CSA. I'm also contacting the CAB about how i put more formal arrangements in place. I also have an appointment with doctor about the kids sleeping (which is terrible) and how they are dealing with it. I don't want them to be screwed up by this. xx

Your kids are lucky to have such a lovely mum who cares about how all this is affecting them.

Once you get the financial side of things sorted and regular contact going between the children and their father, you can concentrate on moving yourself forward from all this. There will be ups and downs, but you will be OK. Good luck. xxx

belfastgirl23

To quote a song, anger is an energy. And it can be quite a useful one. Use that anger to get yourself organised. Get in touch with the CSA and make an enquiry now, find out your options. To be honest if your ex didn't manage to commit to you and the children after 9 years, my guess is that you're going to be better off going the formal route anyway so that it's down to someone else to 'enforce' it.

Try not to obsess about wasted time, you don't know how things would have turned out if you hadn't spent your time with your ex and you don't know how things will turn out in the future either. What you learned from being with him could be what gets you into a much better relationship. For now, focus on what you can do here and now.

As for the other girl, in your shoes I'd feel sorry for her. She's likely to be where you are in 9 years time. In fact probably sooner! At least you're well out of it.

McKneff

Good post there from Belfastgirl.

I always say that whatever has happened to you in your life, right up to a minute ago makes you the kind of person you are today.

Be positive, and you'll come out of it a better person for it. And the bairns will benefit from it too.

nattyt

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

To quote a song, anger is an energy. And it can be quite a useful one. Use that anger to get yourself organised. Get in touch with the CSA and make an enquiry now, find out your options. To be honest if your ex didn't manage to commit to you and the children after 9 years, my guess is that you're going to be better off going the formal route anyway so that it's down to someone else to 'enforce' it.

Try not to obsess about wasted time, you don't know how things would have turned out if you hadn't spent your time with your ex and you don't know how things will turn out in the future either. What you learned from being with him could be what gets you into a much better relationship. For now, focus on what you can do here and now.

As for the other girl, in your shoes I'd feel sorry for her. She's likely to be where you are in 9 years time. In fact probably sooner! At least you're well out of it.

Wow thank you so much. xxx And to everyone else. I feel so much better today. I think now i know the complete truth i can stop second guessing and start moving on. One life live it! xx

RadoJo

nattyt wrote: »

He gets to just pick up from where he was 9 years ago before we met while i am left on my own picking up the pieces and dealing with the emotional upset from it all. The youngest 2 are not really coping at all.
(

Glad you're feeling more positive today - I just wanted to add that instead of thinking about your situation in the above terms, try to focus on the positive: he may have walked away, but he's the one on his own while you are left with three kids who love you. They may be having a tough time now, but I'm sure that you will do everything you can to help them and they will be stronger for it and you will benefit from a better relationship with them in the long run.

nattyt

Thanks RadoJo. I am doing everything i can then he acts like a complete d**khead by saying stuff like' i really miss you, do you miss daddy' which then puts it in their heads and then its like they think they 'have' to miss him and we're back to square one. Today i spoke to the CAB who have advised that we make a more formal arrangement even down to stuff like phonecalls. He'll phone just as we are leaving for school or when its dinner or the worst just before bed. I keep everything consistent in their life only for him to completely undermine me. I only let them have sweets once or twice a week (at the most) and he'll let them eat crap all weekend which drives me mad. I just can't enforce this stuff when i'm not there and i know he does it out of a) guilt and b) to be Mr nice guy. CAB have said i can raise these sort of points in a formal letter to him and hope that he adheres to it. Don't hold out much hope so i may have to let some things go.
They say stuff like 'daddy lets us do blah blah blah' and i've just replied with 'well thats what happens when you are with daddy but here we don't do that'. It seems to work. Anyway sorry to ramble. Thank you all for your support. Its good to have the emotional side taken away from it. (family and friends too involved emotionally.)
xxx