Don't know what to do

bjcl

My girlfriend and I have been together for just over two and a half years and I have recently begun to come to the conclusion that I can't see a future for us together. While I love her, looking into the future she is not the person that I can see myself growing old with.

We are both in our mid-late twenties, a point in my life that I had always believed I would have finally settled down, got married and maybe had a kid... I thought that she was the one when we started going out but recently I have begun to question this. This has been bought about and made worse by me beginning to see someone else in a very different light, this in itself makes me feel like a complete b@stard and incredibly guilty (despite the fact that nothing has happened and nothing is likely to happen - I am sure she does not see me in that way and I would not want to jeopardise anything for a fling). My girlfriend and I have spoken about marriage and children and while we have the same general thoughts on what we want she has some very strong views on what she wants to do before this (travelling, etc). I don't know how to deal with the fact that I don't feel the same way about her anymore.

We met at work and have a relatively small group of close friends who I would normally talk to but I don't want to burden them with this or put them in an uncomfortable position. I don't know what to do or who to discuss this over with and its making me feel like !!!!!!. I don't want her to be hurt but I can't see a future together anymore and I don't know what to do.

BitterAndTwisted

If she's definitely not the person you see yourself being wed to and growing old with any longer you MUST take the bulls by the horns and end the relationship. There's no gentle way of doing it without causing some hurt to the other person if they don't share your feelings about this but that's not your fault. What would be your fault is to either stay in the relationship and end it at some point much further down the road out of not wanting to hurt the other person or doing it unkindly without compassion.

KiKi

Don't beat yourself up or make yourself feel crap. If you don't love her any more, then you don't love her anymore - you can't help that, it's something that happens. If you have no future together, then that's that. You're both going to be hurt by breaking up, but far far better to say something now - and talk to her now - than another year down the line.

But! Be very sure that you don't love her first, and that you're not just looking for greener grass (because it ain't always greener!). Don't make your decision based on *anything* other than how you feel about your girlfriend. I remember a married girl friend of mine once looking to leave her husband because there was someone else she liked - but when he turned her down she decided to stay with her hubby. I could never understand why; she didn't love him and only stayed because the other man didn't want her!

But the best thing for your gf is for you to be honest, and to say something sooner, not later - that doesn't necessarily mean splitting up; it might mean just talking about your future together.

ATB
KiKi

Jinx

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If she's definitely not the person you see yourself being wed to and growing old with any longer you MUST take the bulls by the horns and end the relationship. There's no gentle way of doing it without causing some hurt to the other person if they don't share your feelings about this but that's not your fault. What would be your fault is to either stay in the relationship and end it at some point much further down the road out of not wanting to hurt the other person or doing it unkindly without compassion.

Totally agree with this..... Plus look at it this way - if you split - your partner will go on and hopefully meet her soul mate. She can't meet the right person if you are together.

74jax

Jinx wrote: »

Totally agree with this..... Plus look at it this way - if you split - your partner will go on and hopefully meet her soul mate. She can't meet the right person if you are together.

Excellent post. If you love and care for your girlfriend but don't have the 'extra' to see you both married and into old age, give her the chance of finding someone who can give her the 'extra'.

I left my husband as we were more like brother and sister, we were both upset and he really didn't want to let the marriage go. However, he is now remarried and from what I can tell, they are both head over heals with each other, have gone on to have more kids and he would never have had that opportunity to feel the way he does and have someone feel that way about him too if I hadn't have called it a day.