Friends child needs help asap - your advice needed

cobbingstones

Hi

My friend needs help and support due to having two boys (5 and 9). The eldest has learning difficulties (like mum) which are mild and the youngest is being assessed for Autism. Her husband is often working shifts or away for long periods due to work comitments and there isn't many friends or family around to help.

I was surprised to hear that her children get everything they ask for at teatime which is usually pizza etc etc., they watch video's in their bedrooms until 12am! And the youngest in falling asleep at school. They have her round their little finger and she finds it hard to cope and change whilst she is not being supported by her husband due to him at work.

I really want to help her but I'm unsure what to suggest and where to start as she finds the easiest of things difficult to keep going as she just gives up and goes back to the same old way.

All advice welcomed!

Apricot

Don't want to be blunt but does your friend want help? Is she unhappy with the situation? I agree that it is far from ideal but if she is not bothered about it I don't really see what you can do.

rozmister

If she wants help maybe she could go to a parenting class/group. Without sounding rude it sounds like she doesn't know what to do/isn't confident in how to parent and having that extra help could guide her in the right direction and give her new ideas.

sara34

She may be able to find some advice or support from http://www.autism.org.uk/. Or does the school offer any parenting skills support, perhaps through a parental involvement officer or similar?

joeblack066

Please remember tho that everyone's 'normality' is different, and the friend may resent any implications that she is not coping/ doing a good job. Obviously the children need more sleep as they are falling asleep in class, so maybe having her round for tea when SuperNanny is on might give you an opportunity to start a chat about it?

cobbingstones

sara34 wrote: »

She may be able to find some advice or support from http://www.autism.org.uk/. Or does the school offer any parenting skills support, perhaps through a parental involvement officer or similar?

Thanks for the link

Plans_all_plans

See if she's interested in getting a HomeStart volunteer. They'll give her a break and help her to cope a bit more, even if it's just by giving a friendly ear. http://www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/need_support She'll need a child under 5 to be eligible, so I'm not sure if they mean 5 and under, but it might be worth looking into if the littlest one is only just 5.

If she's interested in parenting classes, direct her to her local SureStart children's centre. http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/DG_10010859

In terms of everyone's normality being different: be that as it maybe, but it's not good for her kids to be living this lifestyle.

pupsicola

I guess it all depends on how your friend was bought up and what she considers to be "normal". My kids are a very similar age to hers 5 and 8.

I am not a major disciplinarian or controlling of them but as far as I am concerned I am the adult and responsible for them. Therefore they fit into my way of doing things and have a solid routine. They eat what I put infront of them, occasionally pizza or something quick to wip up. Usually something healthy and nutritious. Neither are fussy eaters and they enjoy a huge variety of food. If they ask for something as a special treat I try to accomodate it but its not a given.

They always go to bed at 7pm, straight after their bath and bedtime story. Its not a big deal, there are no rows over it. Just what they are used to.

We have all the gadgets kids can dream of however not in their rooms. If they want to play on their ds etc or get on the laptop they go to the dining room. I can keep a subtle eye on what they are doing and if they want to be involved with what the family are doing they can.

I work as a teacher and see alot of kids who struggle and cant stay awake for part of the day. Their learning is greatly effected if they have a poor diet and not enough sleep. The difference in their alertness and what they absorb is incredible if these needs are met.

Think your friend would do well to attend a parenting class. But dont bank on her liking that being pointed out.

bylromarha

I'd be surprised if school hadn't already pointed her to these sorts of things...I ha a little boy constantly falling asleep in my class. I spoke to mum, and turned out little lad had to share a bedroom with 2 of his younger siblings, who didn't sleep very well, so he never had a good nights sleep.

IF (and it's a big if) your friend wants help, then encourage her one step at a time. What is the priority? If it's earlier bedtimes and SHE wants it to change, why not offer to go round to help her out and be a spare pair of hands, if that's what she needs. Help her set the pattern, then slowly withdraw once the new routines are established?

meritaten

are you sure your friend will welcome help? then there are some very good suggestions above.
one thing you may not realise is that some kids with mild autism or aspergers find it VERY difficult to go to sleep - has the doctor prescribed melatonin or something for the younger one (who may be keeping his brother awake)? just a thought.
while I wouldnt recommend pizza as a steady diet, it does however, meet some nutritional needs. could they perhaps have it with a pizza shop style salad? I would (tactfully suggest this if your friend is worried about diet). Is your friend competent in the kitchen or just feeds the kids what they will eat? sometimes, kids will refuse 'good' food in favour of junk so often, that parents feel the kids will starve unless they give the kids what they will eat! er a bit convoluted so I hope you get what I mean!
you say the oldest has learning difficulties - that covers a wide range - and the younger is being assessed. if the kids arent in danger of malnutrition and you dont feel they are being abused then put your concerns on hold for a while............until the picture becomes a bit clearer? why not invite the family round for a meal and see how the kids react to a good home cooked nutritious meal? mind you they may wolf it down and embarass mum who cant get them to eat it at home!
lol, my grandkids love my roast dinners but wont eat it at home! not sure why!