Disabled Mum & Dad help

viktory

spoonk1 wrote: »

they may have worked all their lives for that NEST EGG.

They are 91 and 87 years old!!!!! If they don't spend this NEST EGG now, I suspect it will be a little too late!!! They need some good quality, professional care, so they can continue to live together in their home. As far as I can tell, it is time to spend the NEST EGG. Not to give it away, with the idea that they can have some free care. Sorry, but the children's motivation in this is very, very suspect. Oh and for the record - if it were my parents, I would want them to spend their OWN MONEY on what they needed - not to give it to me, buy a car or whatever. This couple need care in their own home, they can afford to pay for the best - and so they should. That should be their children's driving priority - and I don't see that here.

mikegamez

Hi all, sorry for the late reply - been up parents putting them to bed.
I am sorry some posters think this is an "inheritance" question for us! - We have been telling parents to spend all the money on their own care - but its them that won't pay!
My father refuses to spend any money on care, so I (being the only child) feel obligied to care for them both.
I am currently visiting 6AM to get dad up and feed, 6PM to make them tea / clean up, empty things etc. after work and 9PM for and emptying and bed.
And because of this am falling asleep whilst driving for my job at the wheel, I have never been more tired in my life.

Thank you confuseddep - you have hit the nail on the head. They were getting respite care until today, now they will need to pay for it all.
Dad does get attendance allowance and I belive this brings his pension up to £135 / week.

But he is working out they will be paying more in care than they get a week in pension. He is scared of the heating bills (They have central heating on 6AM - 9PM every day).

Their quality of life is not good - but as I said before, they won't spend on themselves.

So I guess the consenses of the forum is they pay for the care (which they won't) until their money gets below the threshold - I have been trying to get them to do this for weeks!!

Have a nice weekend to all,

Mike

somethingcorporate

spoonk1 wrote: »

I dont think the op is afraid of her inheritance being spent,a lot of mean comments posted here,if you where in the same situation you would NOT want your own parents to pay for it,they may have worked all their lives for that NEST EGG.Somebody that has never worked a day in their miserable lives (honestly) will get all the free care they need so why shouldnt 2 pensioners who are disabled.
Surely their own family can help with caring but only so much can be done if you work and have your own family to look after.
OP get your parents to splash out have their house decorated ,buy all the things they need to make their life comfortable,buy a car for you or another member of your family that can drive,so you are able to take them out for their shopping,hospital appointments and to collect their perscriptions.Government cant argue when your making their lives more comfortable.

I wouldn't want my parents to spend their money, but both them and I would expect them to if they were in this situation.

Spending all that money could be construed as deprivation of capital so advising the OP to do this could get them into trouble at a later date.

I continue to agree with Viktory. It seems that many of these similar threads all the kids are interested in is protecting their own interests and not ensuring that their parents use their hard earned cash getting the best care that money can buy. If and when the money runs out as a result then the state can pick up the tab, not expecting to protect their huge inheritances and getting the taxpayer to pay for everything.

Edit: Mike, I appear to have crossed posts with you. I can see that the situation is a bit more genuine than I gave you credit for so please don't take it too badly. All you can do is your best to get your parents to treat themselves to the care that they deserve! Good luck.

ConfusedDep

First give yourself a pat on the back you deserve it, and you may not get thanks off anyone else.

Ok was in a similar situation with my grandmother but she owned her own home. She was in a care home for the last two years and recently died she will have £43,000 to pay from the estate and before anyone says anything I won't get a penny but never expected to. The balance of her estate will go to her children (her house was sold last year), but I handled the financials (appointed by the court) and was involved as her main carer for at least ten years.

We kept nana in her own home about three years longer than they said she should be at home and you are providing care. I would start by saying you need to make a fuss, generally speaking social services deal with those who make a fuss first to get rid of you. You start by saying you cannot cope and don't budge from that position. Get their doctor on side and have a word with the nurses at the practice. You can have carers go into the home up to four times a day for half an hour a time, and they can arrange it for you. If they have been living independently then I think this may be an option. What they don't tell you is that if you know in advance you don't need them and cancel in good time you don't always have to pay. They will do a financial assessment but when doing this you can put down things for extra cleaning. You might find that getting a carer in the evening will mean at least you can go bed at a decent time.

Get meals on wheels, there is something called a virtual village where by they can put pressure mats down or put fall alarms on in the morning before they get up and take off at night it sends an alarm in the meantime.

Go and buy a pre paid funeral given their age this won't be seen as a deprivation of capital. Do they need a cleaner, gardener, cook? From what I remember you don't actually have to provide the receipts, just keeps the costs realistic shopping in cash might be a little more expensive than you realise.

Have you got their names down for meals on wheels? I used Wiltshire farm foods for about two years and use to colour code them with dots on the microwave. Contact the local branch of Age UK for help on filling out the forms?

I don't think given the amount of capital you have enough for purchasing an annuity but would depend on the nature of their general health. You could look at getting a transfer to sheltered housing if that was more suitable to their needs.

Good Luck

jewelly

If you continue to visit them 3 times a day and carry out their care needs (at the expense of your own health and well-being), then they won't be motivated to change their attidute and pay for the help they need. I know it sounds harsh, but I think you need to tell them you cannot be their carer.

Best of luck.

Mojisola

jewelly wrote: »

If you continue to visit them 3 times a day and carry out their care needs (at the expense of your own health and well-being), then they won't be motivated to change their attidute and pay for the help they need. I know it sounds harsh, but I think you need to tell them you cannot be their carer.

Unfortunately this is true. What use are you going to be to them if you fall asleep while driving and have a serious accident - possibly involving other people, you being injured and prosecuted for driving while unfit?

You are going to have to protect yourself in this situation. Your parents are old enough to know that we can't always have things the way we want them! Difficult as they may find it, they will have to start buying in care or consider going into a care home.

You can help best by making sure they have accessed everything they are entitled to - arrange a visit from the Pensions Service or AgeUK for a benefits check. Make sure they have had visits from a Social Worker to assess their individual needs and your Dad and you should also have a Carer's Assessment. Their needs should also be assessed by an Occupational Therapist who should be able to suggest lots of ways of making day-to-day life easier.

It's a difficult situation - good luck!

sleepless_saver

You only mention your father, but sounds like both your parents should be getting attendance allowance, possibly at higher rate which is about £71 weekly.

They will have to use some of their savings, but at some point will become entitled to benefits, which will be enhanced because of the attendance allowance. So they're not going to end up in poverty which is the fear a lot of older people have.

You have my sympathy trying to deal with all of this. Lots of older people hold on to their money for dear life. Savings are for situations like this! You need to set realistic limits now on what you are prepared to do for them, otherwise it will get steadily more difficult to stop.

MissMoneypenny

mikegamez wrote: »

But he is working out they will be paying more in care than they get a week in pension. He is scared of the heating bills (They have central heating on 6AM - 9PM every day).

Their quality of life is not good - but as I said before, they won't spend on themselves.

So I guess the consenses of the forum is they pay for the care (which they won't) until their money gets below the threshold - I have been trying to get them to do this for weeks!!

If you are talking to them about how unfair it is that they have to pay for their care and about how they might be able to give this money to grandchildren; then stop. Just get them to understand that they have enough money to pay for their heating and to pay for their care needs.

Tell them you and their grandchildren can look after yourselves; and that you all want them to be comfortable in their old age and use their nest egg on themselves.

It worked when I told my mother that, even though she had been previously been giving money to a young relative who kept telling her that she and her children were poor. My 80 year old mother had no idea about all the benefits that families with children are given now and actually thought they were starving. Money brings out the worst in some peope.

hattiefats

Hi Mike
I work with older people and it can be very difficult getting them to spend money even if they have plenty. If I'd had that attitude I wouldn't have spent so much time on the DFW boards! I see people who refuse to heat their homes or even buy food when they have a large amount of savings. I do feel for people when all their money gets swallowed up on care and care home fees but to me the whole point of saving is so that you can look after yourself comfortably in your old age and remain in your own home. They are in a good position as they can afford to do this. I know people who have their care needs met by the state but their quality of life is very poor as they have no surplus funds. I guess all you can do is encourage your parents to accept the care and maybe step back a bit as it sounds like you are running on empty. I really do hope everything works out for you.

Oldernotwiser

Have you told your parents how stressful your situation is and how you would rather have the time than the inheritance? Perhaps they don't fully understand your position.