Advice re alcohol consumption please

westiedog

Firstly I apologise if I have posted this in the wrong place but Im after some advice regarding my mum who is in her 60's. My dad died 4 years ago from prostate cancer and since he died mum (who was always a social drinker at weekends) - she started to have a couple of vodkas in the evening which is fair enough.

Three weeks ago on a Sunday at 1130am I rang her and she sounded odd so I drove to hers and she was lying on the sofa in her dressing gown with a glass of vodka and coke - she was very drunk and had not been to bed all night and had downed a litre of vodka. After loads of tears from both of us she said it blotted things out and this is why she did it and she promised never to do it again.

She has loads of friends - a house in UK and house in Spain and has no debt at all and is out 6 nights a week doing keep fit, yoga, zumba etc. She has a male friend in Spain where she is going to be living permanently from June this year when she retires.

Last night she arrived home in the UK at about 7.30pm and she rang me and sounded fine. I rang her today at about 1.00pm to see if she was calling in - she sounded drunk and I asked her if she had been drinking and she said no and that she had a cold. I drove across and found her in the same state as the other time - she had bought a litre bottle of vodka from the duty free and today there was only about an inch left in the bottom of the bottle - she denied drinking any until I took her glass from her and tasted it. part 2 to follow

westiedog

Part 2

Today she said she wasnt sorry and that she did not have a problem and the problem was me. I left the house and she shouted that if anyone else had been through what she had they would have committed suicide.

She knows I will do anything to help her doctors, AA, bereavement counselling etc.

The awful thing is my MiL died in August 2010 with an alcohol related illness so I know what it can do to you.

Please dont be harsh as any advice would be appreciated.

dmg24

Perhaps you could seek advice from Al Anon?

westiedog

Thanks DMG.

AlAnon have a group quite close to me so that is an option. Just feel awful as lost my dad and feel like Iam losing my mum too.

I was really angry when I saw her and I poured what was left of the vodka straight down the sink!

Now I am worried she will do something silly x

McKneff

Why are you angry?

She needs help, not your anger.

Talk to her, tell her you are worried about where this is going but !!!!!! dont shout and bawl at her.

She has an addiction, she cant help it.

She has to want to stop, no amount of nagging from you will hurry that up.
Pouring her drink down the sink wont work either, if she was drunk Im surprised she didnt wrap it around your neck.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If she's knocking back a bottle of vodka a day, the last thing she needs is to be forced to stop abruptly. The DTs isn't just shaking a bit, it is a terrible syndrome which can easily lead to brain damage or death. IF she wishes to stop drinking, then she needs to see her GP and/or the local Drug & Alcohol Team attached to adult social services.

If however, as it sounds by the denying, the aggression and all the usual reactions to being challenged that she is coming out with, she has no intention of stopping drinking, then there is really nothing you can do to make it better.

Worrying that she will do something silly is par for the course, she is likely to learn to play on those fears to get more alcohol, and getting angry is just as likely to be used as an excuse for her to continue and getting upset. Everything is an excuse for an addict.


It's a shame, and it sounds terrible when written down, but the harsh reality is that unless she decides she wants to make the change, your feelings about losing her could well be spot on and it is in your own interests to concentrate upon looking after yourself for the difficult times ahead.

westiedog

I was sympathetic the first time she did it and offered to go to docs or elsewhere with her to get help and she said she was embarrased she had been found out and promised to never do it again-she did say it was just a one off. So thats why I was so angry today.

In my job I have seen the damage alcohol can do and dont want that to happen to her. She has just phoned me again to say its all my fault so I am just going to take a step back and let her get on with it. Al Anon meeting near to me on 12th Jan so I will be there.

Thanks for replies x

Primrose

It sounds very much as if your mother is suffering from delayed grief, which is not unusual when somebody loses a partner. But it does sound as if she is developing a serious alcohol addiction. Alcoholics and those who are alcohol dependent are always the last to admit it.
Of course it's embarrassing and humiating for her to admit that she needs help but probably unless she has your support and understanding at this stage, she may never be able to take that vital first step to acknowledging and trying to cure her addiction.

So by all means go to Al Anon and take advantage of their advice and support, but try and get your Mum to talk about the deep feelings of loss and aloneness which are driving her to feel that alcohol will fill that gap. Then do all you can to encourage and support her to go and seek help, and try to get her male friend in Spain to recognise the problem she is facing.

We have a long term alcoholic in our family and the first thing to understand, as I'm sure you've already realised, is that unless the person concerned acknowledges they have a problem, nobody else can do anything to help or support them.

Perhaps the first step is for her to have some counselling with a neutral impartial person where she can unload her delayed grief. All her busy social activity may simply be just a cover to patch over her feeling of loneliness. Remind her that you've already lost your MIL to alcohol, that she is much more precious to you and that you don't want to lose her. Keep reminding her. She's very vulnerable at the moment and probably could go either way, so for a while at least, be patient and try to support her without being judgmental. (Believe me, I know it's not easy!)

delain

McKneff wrote: »

Why are you angry?

She needs help, not your anger.

Talk to her, tell her you are worried about where this is going but !!!!!! dont shout and bawl at her.

She has an addiction, she cant help it.

She has to want to stop, no amount of nagging from you will hurry that up.
Pouring her drink down the sink wont work either, if she was drunk Im surprised she didnt wrap it around your neck.

I've been offering my mum 'help' for years... She still rings me and tells me that I ruined her life (she was 4 years TTC and 5mc's before, so not like I was even an accident :eek:) and that she wishes she'd put me in care. Funny thing is she holds down a demanding job? I don't know how lol

You can't help them if they don't want it. My mum has only just started improving since she found out she was type 2 diabetic after 14 years of her being a nightmare.

Alcoholics suck people in and bring them down, they are basically an emotional black hole. And it's always you that's wrong, never ever them:mad:

Good luck OP, you need it.

belfastgirl23

Personally I think you're perfectly entitled to your anger, just as your mum is (alas) perfectly entitled to drink

I am never entirely sure whether it's helpful to label someone an alcoholic. But whatever is going on, your mum is clearly saying that she is struggling to cope. TBH the drinking sounds like a cry for help to me, a way of drawing attention to whatever pain she is going through.

I agree that grief counselling is something she needs to explore. This organisation http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/ are specialists. She might find it easier to get counselling for the grief than to cope with the suggestion of being an alcoholic.

As an aside, having some serious alcohol issues in my own family, my experience is that there is absolutely no point in talking to someone who has already been drinking. If you do need to talk to your mum, do so when she's sober. Talking to her when she's drunk will push all of your buttons without doing anything for her at all.

And if all else fails - and I say this from really hard experience - just try to minimise your exposure to her when she's drunk. At the end of the day you can't do anything about her behaviour, although you can obviously support her if she decides to change it. What you can do is try to minimise the upset to yourself. I know this sounds selfish, but again is something I learned the hard way.

Lots of luck.

CRANKY40

She is wrong. There are a lot of us who have been widowed and have not committed suicide. I will PM you details of a support forum.