My Lightbulb moment(s)

Storm

Hiya,

Have you tried Relate or some other counselling service to help the two of you discuss money? At the end of the day you won't be able to become debt free unless you're both pulling together and you have a joint lightbulb moment!

The only other option I can think of to try and get him to talk about is to actually scare him - tell him that the mortgage payment is going to bounce, or a week before the end of the month put a £10 note on the table and say that's all you've got left and all the credit cards are maxed out!

Storm

Mics_chick

I read your thread yesterday and wanted to say something but haven't had time until now.

I feel for you because I lived with someone for 10 years (married for 8 of those) with a similar attitude. I wanted to stop spending, stay in to save money and start digging us out of a hole but he refused every single time I brought it up... we ended it up in £40000 worth of debt when we split. Paid most of mine off when he bought out my share of house. He was a control freak about lots of other things so I'm extremely glad to be rid of him.

Sorry about the rant hard to stop once I get going...! :-)

If you wait for a joint light bulb moment you could wait forever! The only way that I can see for you to deal with this situation is to deal with the current situation as it stands and take steps to protect yourself and ensure it doesn't get any worse and this might involve seperating you finances?

evie451

Thanks micschick I think you are right. :T He has never woken up to the meaning of the debt and really it worried me that I was starting to bear the brunt of it.
This is why I am doing the debt reduction thing to protect myself.

The way we are going I am heading towards a poverty stricken retirement with little spare money to fund anything in between. A few people have posted that they have had experience of shall we say mis aligned money attitudes! in relationships although quite often its ex relationships :eek:

lynzpower

hiya Evie

Ive been meaning to sit down & catch up with you and say a big :hello:

Are you in the position where you have any "red bills" hanging about?
Would it be a good idea to have a pile of them on the table get the kids looked after by a grandma & have a big showdown?

If he literally wont talk about it, time to think creatively.

Money is a huge part of marriage & relationships. Have you thought that getting school uniform for Xmas might have mad ehim even more likely to want to splash out? Ie, i deserve better? Believe me those childhood money issues carry over from childhood to adulthood- thats how I ended up here :rolleyes:

PLanning for your retirement, and throughout your marriage is fundamentally important. Why is he so scared of telling you whats going on? Why is he siphoning money off? Why doesnt he want to share the success of the business with you? Heavens if my business was doing well, my OH would be the first person Id tell, Id want him to be proud of me. If we make extra money from elsewhere, we delight in each others achievements. Why is this not happening with you guys? Has it always been like this? Or has something changed over the years? You dont have to answer these on here if you dont want, I know these Qs are personal & not everyone likes to share, but regardless of the money, theres secrecy and deciet here and a lack of communication, I think relate is a good place to start. You could for example go alone if he refuses to come too. But these closed communications are really not going to help at all. Whats the point of you shaving off a fiver here & there if he goes and blows it on DVDs? What about a weekend love in? if you could have the kids looked after elsewhere and get the tv& PC off, and just talk and have nice food and reconnect?

alternatively if this gets you nowhere just sell all the spare stuff round the house on ebay, his stuff included. As I see it he is not really contributing to the family, but happy to waste money elsewhere while setting himself up with a nice little pot o gold somewhere and taking the family into debt with crediat cards & blaming you.

All the best evie, and I do hope things get sorted

Lynzxxx

Mizz_Pink

Ditto Lynzpower.

Mics_chick

I wanted to say alot more the other day but it was after midnight and I'm becoming a little bit addicted...!

Anyway Lynzpower got there before me about getting the uniform for his Xmas present - how does that poem go?

"They f**k you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you. ..."

I also wanted to say that maybe seperating your finances may not be the answer in your case. If he took responsiblity for paying half the bills, such as the mortgage and council tax while you pay the rest, could you rely on him to pay them regularly and on time. If not I would do what you are thinking of doing and ask him to up his contribution. But first calculate what your actual total outgoings are, including things you only pay once a year like MOT etc, and then add the amount you would realistically like to pay back to each credit card (not minimum payment), and then ask him to pay half of this and whatever he's got left he can do what he likes with.

I think it would be a good idea to have an overdraft that at least covers his contribution but you don't use it for anything else then when he pays late you're only paying interest not £30-35 for each bounced item!

Hope this helps, MC