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pupsicola

If your sister walks away from her share of the house and signs everything to her partner this will be seen as deprivation of capital and will effect her ability to claim benefits.

Kimitatsu

Minnie

Domestic abuse is not only physical abuse and if I am being honest she is suffering from domestic abuse now!

there is a website that gives you some help here:

http://refuge.org.uk/about-us/prevention-and-education/campaigns/early-warning-signs/

It has to be her decision and her decision to leave him - unfortunately as much as it upsets you she has to make the decision and unless she is prepared to move into a hostel or move away from him then it wont change.

pupsicola

minnie123 wrote: »

She said last night it was sorted????? but thing have happened today that make me think it's not I have not heard from her and I can't even risk calling her in case it sets him off.

It concerns me greatly that you feel you cant phone your sister for a chat incase her partner goes mad. What exactly would he do to her if you phoned her? What gives anyone the right to decide who someone can see, chat to etc etc.

If that were any friend or relative of mine I would get her out of that situation immediately

pupsicola

minnie123 wrote: »

I looked on that website and I can answer yes to nearly all of them

Ive just had a look on that website and I can answer yes to all of them, and many other things too. It hit home when you said sometimes he can be nice. Thats how the pattern of abuse develops. An abuser will push it so far, then change tack, so that the person they are being cruel too questions themselves and their judgement.

I hope I am not overstepping the mark by answering so many of your posts. Only I can really empathise with where both you and your sister are at the moment. It was my sister who helped get me away. After the last attack I phoned a friend, packed a bag, put the kids in her car and she drove me to my sisters.

My sister took me to see my gp. I was with him for an hour and told him everything which he logged on my health record. He then insisted I go to the police and log every incident with them. They took me seriously.

If he is already doing most of what is on that list your sister is at serious risk and so is her child.

Kimitatsu

minnie123 wrote: »

I don't know if there is any capital in the house - his parents put down a 1/3 of the cost as a deposit but my sister signed something at the time to say the deposit money was not hers if anything was to happen.

Her name is on the mortgage but a he has not worked for years she ha not actually contributed - how would she fight for a share of the capital if there was any if she has no money for a solicitor??

Even if there was capital from what I can roughly work out based on assumptions her 50% share would only be about 5k at the most.

She said last night it was sorted?????? but thing have happened today that make me think it's not I have not heard from her and I can't even risk calling her in case it sets him off.

Legally if they sell the house then the deposit would go back to his parents, that is legal and above board. However she would be entitled to more than 50% of the equity left over as she has the care of the child.

In a divorce court the judge takes all of the assets, house, pensions, savings etc and then looks at the ability she will have to support herself and her child compared to his earning ability. In the majority of cases then split is always in the parent who has care of the child and they are entitled to stay in the house until the child finishes full time education.

If she is worried about him, then she can get an ex parte hearing at very short notice (which means he is not present at court) and can get a non molestation order implemented. If he breaches that order then he will be taken to prison.

She NEEDS to get help now because in most cases abusers do not get to a point and leave it alone, they become worse, and if things like you calling set him off, what will happen as the child grows up and gets a personality of their own? Can she contact Surestart or Homestart? They have excellent links with womens aid who will help her to make a decision and help her to move.

mitch161

this message is meant as a out of box thinking. no negativity, just a different point of view.

if the guy controls the money then i guess she is already use to budgetingso she would be able to scrape by on the minimal.

living with you will not cost her anything but food and clothing for her and baby. as you already pay the bills for the house you live in.

so living on just the basic Child allowance and IS would be more then enough.

FORGET ABOUT houseing benefit for now.

if things get serious concentrate on getting these things sorted first

a bank account in her name with your address.. have that set up ready.

when she finally decides its getting nearer the time. get the child benefits transfered into her new account. if he is really picky and checks bank daily then get account changed just after a payment went through so that it takes a few days/weeks for him to realise as the payments are not due and no letters will be ariving.

then pack bags and move out to you.

then day of move out go to benefits office to get income support and cild allowance as a single claim not a joint (couples claim), again set up to her new account.

for a couple weeks it will be hard. so fill up the fridge and nappy draw's but once the benefits begin. she should start seeing what money looks like again lol

now she can be more free to move onto ESA/JSA and seek council advise on finding a home as she while not having a adequate bedroom facility in your home would be considered homeless. and with the children she would be awarded top priority banding on the council list.

then the fun of job searching will happen.

getting a job and then suggesting homeless makes a harder case. so as soon as she moves in seek the advice. but forget about HB until she has been awarded a house. the council will sort it so that from day one the HB covers costs.

then as circumstances change and she gets on her feet keep the agencies informed..

ok now my advice in brief and in order
1)setup account at your address in her name
2)change benefits to her name/account day after payment appears in joint bank account
3)in the days between payments, move her out
4)if she has a bank card draw out 'daily maximum' the day she moves out. it might be her last chance to get any money before he realises.
5) go to benefits office to get everything set in her name as single parent. child allowance. etc
6) same day go to council about situation to be awarded top banding for council list


i dislik situations like this where im telling people how to split up. has she seeked counselling/ mediator to have courage to voice stuff with the boyfriend before. taking the child away from the father is not a easy thing. but anyhow. i tried to reduce my morals to aid in this.

mum2one

pupsicola wrote: »

Im so sorry to hear of the situation your sister is in. I left an extremely abusive relationship 4 years ago after suffering mental and physical abuse. The abuse you are describing is very typical behaviour of a control freak and it will only get worse. Effectively your sister is being cut off both financially and emotionally from normal life. This is exactlyI how her partner wants her to feel. It is an extremely frightening position to find yourself in and you can feel like you have no option but to struggle on and put up with living that way.

It took for the police to tell me that I was on their highest level of risk, that they were putting our house on immediate response and to get away from him with the kids or we would all be dead within weeks for me to see clearly.

No matter what the financial situation you never want to get to that point. Your sister will be surprised at how much support is available to her. My financial situation was rather different to your sisters but she will be able to cope. As her child is so young she will be in contact with a health visitor and they can put her in contact with all kinds of organisations to help protect them both.

I approached a solicitor and was surprised at where the law stood on abusive individuals like my ex (cant refer to him as a person after all he did).

I would also advise her to speak to CAB. I hope I haven't upset you with this post but alarm bells rang as soon as I read your post and your sister urgently needs help.

I'm sorry you went through everything, I walked out on my ex-partner when I was 7mths gone with his child due to violence, he has had no contact now 8 yrs laters I get a summons from the court, he wants parental responsibility and contact.

I would say get ur sister out of the situation as soon as you can, and make the 2nd step a descent solicitor. Ur sister needs to get help now before its too late, and also before he has an inkling that she wants to leave as that could be a trigger for a whole lot of hassle.

Make sure she can get passport, ni no, etc ready to go, can you help her open a basic bank account, so she has something in her own name xx

katiesmummy

Your sister needs to get herself and the kids away from this man.

Refuges are not that bad, honestly. They are safe and secure and generally have women only workers who are there to support the residents and their children. I would really recommend your sister calling Women's Aid and speaking to them. They used to be able to do a fast-track benefits application once your there so money doesn't take long to be sorted out, and she could choose the area that she goes to. Even going for some respite to think through her long-term options- whether she wants to get help with housing in that area, whether she wants to go back to her home with the help of the court (unsure what the possibilities are of this as it is a mortgaged property and she doesn't work).

Encourage her to call Womens Aid, or you call on her behalf to see what her options are as the most important thing is getting herself and the children out of the situation. Them coming to your house may not be the best idea if he knows where you live as it will be putting you in possible danger too and he may lay in wait for your sister to go to the shops etc. It will also potentially be a lot easier for your sister to get somewhere else to live via a refuge as they can help her make an application with the council. As long as she's not deemed to have made herself intentionally homeless she would almost definitely be housed- legnth of time is dependent on the area and the tenancy of the refuge though- they start pushing the council on your behalf once your tenancy with them is coming to an end and tenancy lengths vary from refuge to refuge.

I hope she manages to get herself and the kids away from him, I know how hard the first step is. Good luck to her x

Kimitatsu

minnie123 wrote: »

Firstly can I just say they are not married so I don't know how that affects the house situation.

Also I want her out of there but I can't physically force her so what can I do??

It does affect the situation although more and more judges are looking at couples as having similar rights to those that are married. It means that she will still have to go to court and argue her case, but there are many advocates who will help her to do that so she will not be alone.

Being brutal you cant force her to do any of this, it has to be her decision, because otherwise you risk alienating her and then she will have no one to turn to when she does make the decision.

You have already said that she loves him and when things are good they are great, that sends warning signals through my brain! She has to understand what he is doing and she has to make the decision otherwise she will end up going back to him time and time again, and she will lose the support and help that she is entitled to.

As heartbreaking as it is, all you can do is stand by and be ready for her when she makes the decision, up until that point all you can do is hold her hand.

pupsicola

minnie123 wrote: »

Firstly can I just say they are not married so I don't know how that affects the house situation.

Also I want her out of there but I can't physically force her so what can I do??

If her name is on a joint mortgage she has equal rights as her partner to the equity from the property. Obviously the partners parents would need there share back too.

It does have to be your sisters decision to leave. The problem is that she will be using all her energy and wits struggling day to day to keep going and not antagonise him, she wont be thinking straight. I wish you lots of luck and hope she will be okay.