Friendships and lack of them!

wanon313

Hi all,

Just signed up under new username as I am a regular poster here and want to remain anon on this one.

Ok as the title says I have lack of friendships basically I'm a happily married 30 year old Mum of 3, have worked in a middle class job and recently lost my job due to the company going under.

To take you back a bit to were my problem started:- her goes I was and continued to be an bubbly confident person at school and had lots of good friends. When I went to secondary school I met a local girl who becmae my best friend. However she never got on with any of my friends (fought with most). To cut a long story short I lost a lot of friends when I met this girl and at the time didn't mind because we did have great times. My Mum (who I know realise is a great judge of character) and Sister always warned me off her and said they did not think she was a true friend which I choose to ignore. She did always want to date guys that I was with and supposedly said things behind my back which again I ignored!! I know naive but we were young and had good times. fast forward a few years I meet my Hubby to be, he proposed we had a child and were set to be married and since that noticed that she put me down all the time. Laughed when she seen my first home and found faults with everything. The bubble burst and I started to see her for who she was!! She continued putting things down, tried to encourage me to leave my hubby before we were married said he wasn't right for me!! yet she introduced us, once she got drunk said my hubby to be was the only man she would cheat on her hubby to be with :mad:!! So I started to have enough the final straw came when one night her and hubby to be were at ours we all had a good few drinks. My hubby was tired and with a few drinks just sleeps can't handle it!! so off he went to bed as normal she disappeared about 30 minutes later. I went to see were she went only a couple of minutes laters and found her at the side of my bed trying to wake my husband up and RUBBING all round him he was totally out for the count as he is with that amount of drink!!! I walked into the room and asked what she was doing and she just laughed it off and walked out!! I was so angry but more than anything hurt and really upset. Needless to say the friendship ended and I never really looked back!! Now I've had my children who I love dearly and although I am busy at home I recently have started to miss the friendship she was my best friend and I suppose because I never totally had it out with her I am still hurt and very guarded when it comes to trying to make friends. With losing my job and a really bad car crash a few months ago (which caused me night terrors and anxiety) into the mix my confidence when trying to socialise is zero (I don't know what to say, panic and just feel like I don't fit in anywere). I am a geniunue person and although I have a great family circle and hubby would love to have that one true friend that I now realise I never had (do they really exist)? I've never really talked to anyone about this apart from my husband so would like an outsiders view. Would love to hear from anyone who's went through anything similar or has any advice on were I can start again when it comes to friendship. Greatly appreciated and well done if you made it to the end of this!! x

Running_Horse

Is this really about lack of friendships, or something else?

I'm not a big fan of Facebook or Friends Reunited, but have you tried sending a simple message to earlier friends?

Just a simple "Hi" will break the ice, and see who bites.

I had a very fragmented childhood, and was surprised who did and didn't respond.

Ziggazee

Yes....genuine friends do exist. My best friend and I have known each other for 34 years and she would never dream of putting me down, hurting me, etc. I've also made some fantastic friends over the years who I'm closer to than even my family.
You don't need a "friend" like this in your life. To be honest she sounds more than a bit insecure.
I'm sure it must be difficult to meet friends when you're a stay at home mum (I assume you are) but I like the Facebook idea, it's amazing who you can get in contact with.
Good luck :-)

kegg_2

I moved away from all my childhood friends 13 years ago and now only exchange christmas cards with one of the.
At the time i had a toddler and was pregnant with the second. I knew no one so i made the effort to get involved with my local toddler group and soon began to make friends. Sometimes you have to take the first step in saying Hi and general chit chat and an invite to come back for coffee after todlers. You dont say how old your children are but if you have a preschooler todler groups are a great place to met people.
As they have got older i have expanded my friend group by involving myself in their activities. My younger son plays footie and the footie club has also been a great way to make friends. I now count some of my fellow footie mums as my best friends. Friends dont just appear you have to be proactive and get involved with things then you will find the friendships just altermaticaly start forming.

Raksha

Is it about friends, or about trust?

epsilondraconis

Maybe your focus should be on getting out and meeting new people and not focusing on trying to find a new best friend.

These things obviously take time to develop.

Perhaps you could meet up with the female partner of one of your husband's male friends. Perhaps just go out for a coffee or something...

carolan78

I think epsi has given you some good advice. As others have said get involved in things like the school PTA or toddler groups and aim to make aquantances. Strong friendships will build naturally over time.

As for your BF growing up I would remember the good times with fondness but realise either she changed as she entered adulthood or she was never a very good friend in the first places...whatever the reason nobody needs a friend like that x

Hermia

epsilondraconis wrote: »

Maybe your focus should be on getting out and meeting new people and not focusing on trying to find a new best friend.

I totally agree. I think you need to get a circle of friends rather than 'one true friend'. Although if you can get a circle of friends and a best friend that would be great! I just think the danger of just wanting a best friend is that you end of investing all your hope in them and end up hurt when they have flaws or can't spend much time with you. Having a circle of friends means that you have friends to share different interests with or friends who have different qualities. You just need to try and get out there and meet as many people as possible. You also need to relax a little. It takes time to develop friendships. And appearing too desperate will scare people off.

Raksha

Sorry my earlier post was a bit short, didn't want to read and run......
I do understand how you feel - I don't have any 'really good friends' - well, I don't have any friends at all, except my OH and my ex SIL who I exchange emails with every few months.
I know I have high expectations of my friends, and I've had my heart broken through disappointment so often that I now don't even what to contemplate forming a friendship because of the hurt that will follow.
You are not alone.

Heart_Shaped_Diamond

I haven't much advice to give, except that I had a best friend who was a user. One night she left me stranded in a bad area, next to a country road and I did not have a mobile phone. I was alone after she'd jumped home in a taxi and abandoned me. With no exaggeration around eight 'chavy' guys approached me and were very inappropriate in thier actions. One forcefully attempted to kiss me and another, touched me between the legs - not before trying to get me into their mates car. I had to HITCH HIKE home. Luckily a very kind taxi driver saw me walking down the back road alone (this was at about 2am) and gave me a lift home. I know I should have reported it to the police. And this was all because she wanted to go up to the pub, to hang out with a group of people who thought they were 'it', people I didn't care for but tagged along anyway because she made me out to be a loser. I made the mistake of replying to an email she sent to me recently and now she still tries to get in touch. She constantly texts and hounds me for my company. Who knows why?

Anyway, that's my shared experience of a bad friend ship - so I know how you feel right now.

If i'd have caught her 'rubbing' my hubby to be whilst he was sleeping I honestly would have knocked her head clean off her neck. I can't believe you stood for that, and although I don't know you - it makes me very angry to hear. You deserve so much better than that!

I agree with the other posters. It's time you found out that there are worthwhile people out there. Why don't you join a class? Zumba classes are very popular or what about martial arts? Maybe something you're interested in, such as crafts for example? That way you have already shared interests with others and can participate in doing something you enjoy with new people who you can start a fresh with. Be yourself and make a ton of new friends . Good luck.

Mankysteve

Go back to school so to speak.

Go do some night/day classes great place to meet people and the increase your skill set at the same time.