A bit of a car crash really.

TheBex

Just a tiny thought - I just spoke to my Ma in the same room (where the fireplace is ergo the only room in the house over 12'c) Dad's trying to watch the history channel in. Que some sort of sighing fit at the concept that people use words and the volume going up to the point it hurts. Times like these I want to give up, move out and leave them to rot. Makes me so angry and then I think I'm a bad person for being so angry or for not loving them enough to keep trying until its ok and I just want to cry.

well bug ger this for a game of soldiers, my ill, headachey head is going to explode if I don't leave the room. Good night all, and if anyone's still there, Thank you. It's strange how much a stranger can give you when the people you love the most just keep taking. x

Loanranger

No advice except to say that they are fortunate to have you.

Loanranger

My elderly mother loves her clutter, 'useful' newspaper cuttings she's saving for me, and there is a syndrome I think that describes old people who prefer to live in squalor.
It's an endless battle with my mother, not on the scale you have to cope with but principle is the same.
However, your parents are not old by my standards!
You really have to be firm with them and do it a bit a time, the how do you eat an elephant thing.
When I am firm with my mother over her squalor/litter/useful newspapers etc, she gets very uppity and talks to herself under breath about me and there's much sighing going on. Drives me nuts but I persist.

ERICS_MUM

I can feel your desperation coming through the ether and wish I had a magic wand....

You've got 2 big probs - their money issues and the junk.

I can't help on the finances side but could make a few suggestions on the hoarding. The following is a jumble of random thoughts but one or two might be helpful.

Have you tried getting them to clear just a small, specific part of the clutter such as one room or a pile of newspapers/ junk mail etc? They might then like the space it creates, see that it wasn't as painful as feared and be more willing to tackle another bit. Is your mum more receptive to clearing the junk than dad ? Would your dad be prepared to let your mum deal with the indoor clutter as long as you leave him alone with his garage/driveway stuff (at least for now ?).

This is a scary thing to say but could your dad be showing early signs of dementia ? If no, then it sounds like pretty severe depression which could be tackled over time. Would it be possible to find an "old style" GP or specialist (male, similar age to your dad) to talk to dad - he might open up and be more responsive to someone he feels is on a par with himself. Are your parents church-goers and could their minister talk to them ? In short what I mean is can you identify anyone that your dad could relate to and respect what they say ?

I know you say most of the junk is worthless but it might be worth getting someone in to appraise it - scrapmetal dealer, local antique dealer etc.

Are you an only child or do you have a brother that might have more luck with your dad? Does dad have any brothers that might be able to get through to him?

Otherwise make a start yourself, get a skip in for a week, book a week off work and just start throwing in all the old newspapers, junk mail etc. (but wait for the spring weather !).

Do you have supportive friends? Please look after your own health and mental well being.


Linda xx

jwil

Duracell batteries/Energiser batteries are much better than cheap ones imo, you'll get much better value for money out of them.

We were left to sort the house after my MIL passed away, and if it has taught me one thing, it is that I will do my best to have things organised so no one has to do that for me.

The house there was full of worthless stuff, but we decided that we were going to deal with it properly and not just skip it all. We donated loads to charity, sold tonnes at car boot sales and on ebay/amazon, the higher value stuff went to auction. A lot of 'worthless' stuff soon adds up to quite a bit of cash! You do need to put the time into it though, and of course it's not for everyone.

Are there any charities that are close to your parent's heart that you could donate things to?

My MIL had a huge needlework book collection, and we donated it to a couple of needlework societies in her memory so they could use them in their libraries. They were so grateful and we know that it has gone to a really good cause. Do your folks have anything they could do that with?

Luckystepho

Hi, you mentioned that the 300k house had a barn... would it be an option to clear it, try to get planning permission to convert it and sell it with this in place?

Thrifty_Pixie

Firstly I completely sympathise with your situation. It must be frustrating and upsetting to see your family come to this. Good on you for trying to help

As I see it you have three options:

1) you do nothing and let nature/bank managers/local wildlife take their course

2) you and your mum steal the remote for the tv and force your dad to listen to you both about the reality of the situation before either your mum goes insane or you have environmental health breaking down your door. Harsh, i know, but no matter how depressed he may be he could at least give you the go-ahead to sort things out for your mum's sake. Anything else is pure selfishness. Arguments like him being a different generation hold no water if it's driving his wife insane.

2) you move out and let them get on with it.


Now let's say that you obviously don't fancy the first or third options as you have your mum's health to think about...so phrase it like that to your dad. If he doesn't care about himself hopefully he'll care about her. If all else fails you could try social services.

I don't see that you can start doing anything yourself (like throwing stuff out) as it's not YOURS. It'd probably only cause a row and, let's face it, it's still HIS stuff (however bizarre!) And I don't see how any of the charities can help (except mental health ones) because they seem quite wealthy (if somewhat scatty and scattered).

I wish you masses of luck with this. Please keep us updated as I have a vested interest (I can see myself in a similar situation in a couple of years )

sonnythecat

blimey Bex, I feel so sorry for you. You are a HERO to take on this big tangled problem. Could you and your Mum write your Dad a letter? The thing is, from what you say, this situation IS solvable. How frustrating for you. Look after yourself, won't you? xx

Sparklyfairy

sonnythecat wrote: »

blimey Bex, I feel so sorry for you. You are a HERO to take on this big tangled problem. Could you and your Mum write your Dad a letter? The thing is, from what you say, this situation IS solvable. How frustrating for you. Look after yourself, won't you? xx

Yes I totally agree. Do you think it might be worth showing your parents this thread? You did it out of love..and for that you should be commended... xxxx

donnap83

I feel your pain. Sort of. My mum is disabled and has taken to buying any old random crap. Like a computer mouse mat for example. She doesn't have a PC but she bought it because 'it was cute'. Imagine that but on a much larger scale. It's a little 2 up, 2 down and there isnt a spare scrap of surface to be found.

Personally, I used the tough love approach after trying the softly softly way. Told the house a disgusting !!!!!! hole and she lives like a pig. Called her the female version on Mr Trebus from that tv program 'Life of Grime'

Really harse, i know, but it worked. She slowly clearing stuff. She's still ignoring the mountains of post that she refuses to open, that dates back at least 5 years. Warned her that she either sorts it ASAP, or i launch it into a oil drum and burn it.

Like i said, really harse, but there is a lot of back ground to her, the situation and our relationship that you won't know, and i can't be bothered to tell, that would justify my actions.:whistle: