changing access arrangements

SmellyOldSock

my ex and i split in February 2010. We agreed to him having contact with the children (which are his) once a week on a friday from 5.30 to 5.00 on the saturday (at the time this woz all he woz prepared to have them for)

my situation has changed, regarding my work and i now would like to change to once a fortnight from a Friday to a Sunday.

He is very upset about this, which i can understand to a certain degree. I feel in limbo trying to sort this out. I'm waiting on his solicitor to contact mine.

Anybody got any advice or guidance? i'm currently waiting to start a new job and can't until this is in place.

Am i really being unreasonable? he pays no maintenance for the children (although he is paying a loan he took out whilst we were together, i woz paying up until August 2010).

He makes no contribution towards school uniform, shoes, haircuts etc, i do it all which i'm not complaining about, they are my children too!

he rings every Sunday wanting to see them, so am giving him the chance to have that.

sorry for the rant, am getting very low over all of this

thanks for reading

brians_daughter

Is the issue having them all weekend, or only seeing them once every 2 weeks? If its the latter could he not have them once every 2 weeks fri-sun then say for the saturday day time or maybe 1 night for tea after school the week he doesnt have them overnight? That way he still sees the children every week,and also helps you out as well?

SmellyOldSock

i think its a combination of the 2 issues to be honest! lol i understand wanting to see them and having the contact which would be workable. My main problem is he is verbally abusive towards me, and in the past i've had to have the police involved. He's also threatened to report me to social services accusing me of neglicting the children.

brians_daughter

well, you dont deserve any abuse of any kind of anyone.
All I can see you could do at this stage is see what he says.... and it may be worth pointing out a better job for you means less chance you will wish him to contribute financially for the children.

SmellyOldSock

thanks for your reply, unfortunately he's not a reasonable person, so will battle on ! lol

poppyscorner

Is there anyone who could act as a third party for you ? I also have two children with my ex husband and the way he speaks to me totally depends on how things are going in his life when things are bad he can get aggressive in his tone and deliberately begins arguments with me this used to take place at the front door of my house until I reached the end of my tether with it.

Our resolution was that I dropped the children off at his mothers house he wasn't allowed to come out of the house and my resolve was that if he did as I was in my car I could get away quickly. For return of the children they are returned to either my best friends house (who lives opposite me) or sometimes my mums or sisters.

On one or two occasions he has dropped them at our house but he is not allowed to come to the door he has to get the kids out of the car and watch them come in and then leave.

With regards to access are you able to discuss access between you without involving the solicitors ? In my experience they drag things out and we managed to resolve our differences between ourselves without them in the end. I know its difficult when there is bad feeling believe me and it requires ground rules like no talking about the past and only discussing the children do not be tempted to discuss money or anything else during the conversation make it as straight forward as you possibly can and negotiate from there. I always focussed on getting the kids to see their dad was much more in their interests than any scores I had to settle with him and believe me I had several at that time it was hard I won't deny it but we got there and I'm glad we did.

Good luck with it try not to allow it to get you down easier said than done sometimes I know please feel free to pm me if you want any further information

xx

SmellyOldSock

i've decided to implement the changes, the children have accepted the idea, but unfortuantely he is not very pleasant about it all, and now threatening me again.

I agree with the solicitors dragging things out, i want to do things properly, but they don't seem to have a concept of time! lol

I'm not stopping him seeing them, just changing the days, i know he misses them etc and i don't want them not to have the contact. I also need a bit of a break from them sometimes too! i feel so selfish at times, for needing a break, but they then get a better happier mummy to spend time with.

newidentity

Did you not think about talking to him first before changing your working conditions?

How would you feel if you were told you could only see them every two weeks - don't you think you would miss them? I totally understand why your children's dad is not happy, under the same circumstances I don't think you would be either. Your ex is not a childcare provider, he is their father and deserves proper access.

As the mother, you hold the cards and I am sure you will do what you want to do but under the circumstances I don't think you can expect him to be happy about it, sorry.

SmellyOldSock

unfortunately he is not very pleasent with me so talking is very difficult. He is verbally abusive and threatens me on a regular basis, so much so i've had to involve the police.

Before we split he would drink and have very little interaction with the children, i'm pleased since the split he has become the dad he should've been with them.

Sambucus_Nigra

SmellyOldSock wrote: »

he rings every Sunday wanting to see them, so am giving him the chance to have that.

So, why didn't you use this as your 'in'; thereby making it look like you have changed as a result of his request - rather than making it look like it is the result of your work pattern.

Just a thought.....

SmellyOldSock

i'm trying that, but unfortuantely he doesn't listen to that, all he sees is me trying to hurt him, which i'm honestly not doing. I'm not a nasty person, i've been put thru alot of abuse before and after we seperated, and still i'm not turning nasty on him. Just trying to sort this out properly for the children.