Family woes!

savvysausage

I wonder if I could ask your advice.

I have been divorced since my one and only daughter was 1 (she is twelve now). I am remarried and my husband has been a father figure to my daughter for so long, she cannot remember living with her biological father. He lives away and has other children of his own. He sees her a couple of times a year but other than that our lives are separate.

As he lives away (abroad) and has never really been a big part of her life, although she enjoys seeing his family. He is thinking of coming back to live in this country and if he does he will probably want to see her more often.

This is really difficult to say, but I have got so used to him not being around and not being able to rely on him or help out, that I am finding this thought really difficult. My husband loves my daughter dearly but how do we deal with 'someone else' as it feels, coming into her life again and what happens to my husband? We are a really tight knit family unit. My husband has never really been acknowledged by my ex's family - yet he's been there all the way through.

puddy

it is natural and appropriate for your daughter to have a relationship with her birth father. it will not take away the love she feels for her step father.

at the moment by the sounds of it, this was previously prevented by distance. now distance wont be such a divider and you as her mother should be supporting the relationship between them (IF she wants that, which by the sounds of it she would enjoy)

her birth father is half of her heritage, you are her other half. she has a right to connect with that and experience a relationship with her father.

whether your ex's family 'recognise' your oh is neither here nor there, their thoughts and views are irrelevent to this situation and whether you should be supporting your daughters identity

jackieglasgow

I was raised in similar circumstances to your daughter, and for reasons undisclosed by my mother, never knew my natural father, or his family. I still have a lot of anger about the situation, and sadness that I don't know this part of my life, you should be encouraging your daughter to connect with her birth family as much as possible. Whether her other family acknowledge your husband is neither here nor there in my opinion, their only concern should be your daughter.

poppyscorner

I have two boys and their father and I are divorced and have been so since DS2 was 15months old.

My OH is techincally the only live in father figure he has known and the boys love OH dearly and he loves them too, however as much as it would make it all nice and neat he is not their father and we never allow ourselves to think of him as such. Our situation is different to yours in that their dad lives not too far away from us and has contact with them once a fortnight. The boys do I think in general love him and do get something from their time with him and as long as that continues then I am happy that they are happy. I do think its important where possible to have contact with both parents.

That said it will feel very strange for you I would imagine after all this time that he comes back and the goal posts move. Have you spoken to DD about how she feels about his return ? How often does she want to see him I think any changes in contact should be made gradually so as not to unsettle her and maybe you and the ex should start to plan this now to try and limit any upset and get a good communication built between you both, not only will this be good for DD she will get to see that you're ok with it and it's not a scary thing IYSWIM

Good luck with it xx

heretolearn_2

Ex is the father, but OH is her 'daddy'.

She can have a relationship with both, and they will be different relationships. She'll probably always be closer to your OH.

You have to support her in seeing and building a relationship with your ex. Even if it makes you uncomfortable, you can't let her see that. It may all work out perfectly, it depends on how ex behaves. You two have raised her, and will continue to raise her, he has visitation rights. I don't think that after 12 years he will be trying to interfere or have much say in her day-to-day lifestyle (at least I hope not). Don't anticipate problems until they happen. Be glad that he wants to be part of her life; the hurt suffered by those who are rejected by parents - even if they get wonderful step-parents - is awful and you wouldn't wish that on your daughter.

Chakani

This must be a very difficult thing for you and your husband to deal with, but it seems like the little contact your daughter has with her biological dad is positive. That might mean that it is a really good thing for her. She is a lucky girl if she has three parents who love and care for her - she will not love your OH any less because of it, and he will still be her daddy.

It is easy to overthink these things, but I do think that it's a good thing that you and your OH are considering this in advance of it happening, so you can be honest with each other about your feelings, and be ready to lend an ear to each other when it's needed. Not to mention a few extra hugs

Savvy_Sue

She's 12. She's about to become a teenager, with her own social life independent of yours.

so there would be lots of change anyway, and he will have to ft in with her.

hopefully your ex realises this, and won't expect to have a little girl any more.

the struggle may be that she doesn't want to see as much of him as he does of her, and you may be accused of turning her against him.

hard I know, but you have to make sure your disturbance doesn't become hers iyswim

deedardingle

My two sons saw my ex, their natural dad every week and had a good relationship with him and naturally love him, as he does them. My husband, their step dad was the one who provided most things for them and brought them up and they have always recognised that and even now they are adults, he is the one who they turn to first when needing help or advice so they obviously love him too.

I'm sure your daughter will also have room in her life for two dads and that her love and feelings towards your husband will remain the same. As she is twelve years old, there is no reason why her natural dad's reappearance into her life should really affect your family unit, as she is old enough to decide when and how often she wants to see him so leave them to make their own arrangements. You should only need to be involved occasionally.

You don't say what your relationship with your ex and his new wife and family is like but please don't make the mistake of arguing or bad mouthing any of them in front of your daughter. Although we tried not to let the boys see it, things were very bad between me and my ex for a long, long time and we could barely be civil towards each other. We were both as bad as each other though; he hated my new husband so wouldn't allow them to mention his name in front of him and I wouldn't have him in my house, so when he came to pick the boys up, he would have to wait for them outside. As the boys got older and I didn't have to see him as much, things did improve between us so that on the odd occasions that he did need to speak with me, we could all sit together and discuss things amicably over a coffee and then he would end up chatting to my husband about football or rock music. A couple of years ago, my ex told me that if he'd had to choose a step dad for the boys, he couldn't have picked a better one, which I thought was really nice of him.

Your ex's family will be well aware of all your husband has done for their granddaughter, even though they they don't acknowledge him - my ex in laws were the same, I just took it that they didn't want to seem disloyal to their son.

Don't worry, I'm sure everything will turn out okay for you all.