Not sure where to start

Scotsad

Firstly - this is my first post, I'm new here so please excuse me if this is a bit of a ramble.


Things in my marriage have come to a stage where I have realised that for my sanity I have to get out. Over the past few years we've drifted so far apart that we are now just flatmates. He avoids the issue and everytime I try and speak, well I get nowhere. I'm 30 and I want more. I've spoken to a counsellor, because so many times recently I've felt hopeless and completely alone.

Back in august a friend who was aware of my situation offered me to rent his flat, it all fell through in the end and to be honest at that time I was nowhere near mentally ready anyway. I do believe things happen for a reason and suddenly when my resolve was at it's strongest the offer has come through once again.

But, and this seems a huge but, I've never lived on my own. I don't even know where to start on budgeting etc. He'll be able to give me a rough idea of bills but I really need an idea now to help me work it all out. I have no idea how much anything costs


I just feel I have to get out of here, my sisters now all know how unhappy I am and will do what they can to support me.

ailuro2

Do you not take anything to do with the budget in the house you live in now? you probably know more than you think you do.

Sit down with a pice of parer and a calculator and a pile of old credit card statements and household bills and make a list of everything you usually buy in a month ( shopping. petrol.clothes) everything you pay for ( gym subscription, council tax,gas bill) and everything else you spend throughout the year (birthday gifts, car insurance etc.)

This is what you spend you money on, and is a "budget" You need to earn enough to cover the cost of everything when you live on your own.

Have you thought about being someone's lodger, or housesharing. That might be an easier way to ease yourself into living apart.

Have you thought about a trial separation too, one of you going and staying with a family member for a while to give you time to think about each other and whether there's still a chance to save your marriage.

Scotsad

Thanks for the reply. Every bill is in my husbands name. He bought the flat a few months before I met him and so all the bills have always been in his name. The only bill I pay from my own account is my mobile. I pay him a monthly amount which is half the bills (we have a spreadsheet for the years bills as an estimate).

I have been offered a room at my sisters, I have given it a lot of thought. However it would mean spending a lot more on busses and, having learned a lot about myself recently I'm not convinced that this would be a good move for either me or her. We've lived together in the past, and I will if I have to but at the moment I feel I need my own space. That probably sounds selfish but I've felt 'trapped' here for too long.

Sambucus_Nigra

You're 30. I left home at 18 with 5 carrier bags and had to learn how to live alone then.

If you aren't happy - you will cope.

If you want to look at costs; have a look at some SOAs on here and see what the spend is on various items and tot up the costs before you go.

Thriftkitten

Hi and sorry that you are going through a rough patch in your life,
The only advice I can offer is maybe to speak to the friend with the flat and ask him if he could offer you a package where your utilities are included, this way you would have a set price per month for rent and main bills, from this you can decipher what you have left over and what you can realistically afford.
I know it may seem that you are going backwards for a while, but in order to better your mental state of mind you need to learn how to manage alone, which may mean not as many luxuries for a while.

1.set your monthly money aside for rent and utilities(check)

2.set yourself a food budget broken down to a weekly amount (check)

3.If you are worried about your mobile then swap to a payg where you wouldn't be able to go over a realistic monthly/weekly amount (check).
4. write yourself a meal planner for the week, include things for lunch like sandwiches so that you dont have to spend extra on buying lunch.
There's nothing to it really, with some careful forward planning (which will help take your mind off things) you will realise it is easy.
Also there are sites online like freecycle in every area where you can advertise for second hand hand furniture items which are free, so that you can slowly furnish your place.
It's easy to feel overwhelmed when you look at the whole picture, but little and slowly you will intergrate yourself and the weight will be lifted changing yourself,into a happy woman again, it already sounds like you have a very supportive family and also never forget every member here has an extended family ready and willing to help at the click of an MSE button xxxx

ulster_exile

Scotsad wrote: »

But, and this seems a huge but, I've never lived on my own. I don't even know where to start on budgeting etc. He'll be able to give me a rough idea of bills but I really need an idea now to help me work it all out. I have no idea how much anything costs

Ironically, I am in the same boat as you but not at my own choice. My husband said much the same as you about drifting apart (though found someone else before telling me he felt there were problems) and at 33 I've never had to stand on my own two feet before. The thought mortifies me!

He earnt considerably more than I so I never had to worry about bills - we had a joint account and with direct debits everything just got paid.

I have created a spreadsheet of the bills I expect to pay on my own by going through our bank account and recording what we paid for utilities etc to give me an idea of what I need to survive on even if it is an overestimate as it's based upon two people living in a house. I have had to do this because I want to buy a house and so needed to see what sort of mortgage was affordable. If you can't get see what he paid (does he have paper bills lying around anywhere?) then ask friends for an idea of what their bills are.

Once I have gotten started, it's easier than I have imagined. it's actually quite liberating to be phoning companies and sorting out issues myself rather than leaving it to him. Now that I have a single account, I find keeping track of my money easier because we both got paid 2 weeks apart so figuring out where the bank account was at any stage was a nightmare. I've been doing it in my head now, though it's still frightening to think about how little I have to live on until I next get paid!

Start with the little things and you will realise that it is all do-able.

January20

Although the offer of a room with your sister may seem like a very safe opportunity, if you have never lived on your own at the age of 30, I think it's about time you did as you will learn a lot more about yourself, become more confident and learn that you can survive on your own without a man (or family) to support you.

If your friend lives in the flat at the moment, surely they should be able to tell you what it costs them every month for the utilities, can't they?

I'm assuming you work full time?
Do you have any money saved up?
Have you got any money left once you pay your oh your half of the bills and your mobile phone bill?
Also work out what you spend on entertainment, clothes, magazines, haircuts, take out coffees, foods etc (it's amazing how much these costs)

LJM

if your not happy then you have to do what is best for you, surely from being in your home at the moment you must
understand the basics to budgeting, though this forum is a hive of information that will help you out no end. does your husband know that you feel this way

Scotsad

January20 wrote: »

Although the offer of a room with your sister may seem like a very safe opportunity, if you have never lived on your own at the age of 30, I think it's about time you did as you will learn a lot more about yourself, become more confident and learn that you can survive on your own without a man (or family) to support you.

If your friend lives in the flat at the moment, surely they should be able to tell you what it costs them every month for the utilities, can't they?

I'm assuming you work full time?
Do you have any money saved up?
Have you got any money left once you pay your oh your half of the bills and your mobile phone bill?
Also work out what you spend on entertainment, clothes, magazines, haircuts, take out coffees, foods etc (it's amazing how much these costs)

That's my feeling about my sisters offer, although I'm glad and happy she offered.

I have no money saved. I feel stupid about this but I fritter money away. This is something I have to chance whether I leave or not and I'm hoping this site will help me. Its stupid but I buy things to make me happy. They don't. I've begun to recognise this and change.

January20

Scotsad wrote: »

That's my feeling about my sisters offer, although I'm glad and happy she offered.

I have no money saved. I feel stupid about this but I fritter money away. This is something I have to chance whether I leave or not and I'm hoping this site will help me. Its stupid but I buy things to make me happy. They don't. I've begun to recognise this and change.

Most of us who use this site have had this or a similar problem at some point or other. Just have a read of the Debt Free Wannabee board to put things into perspective. It certainly helped me 4 years ago when I was freaking out about my own situation.

You have no savings, but do you have debt? If not that is a good starting point.

Do you have stuff you can sell on Ebay? Or do you fritter your money away on things that can't be re-sold?

A good idea is to do a spending diary when you write down every thing you buy to the last penny. A real eye opener.

Also, have a look at the Old Style board for ideas regarding living frugally.

If you do decide to leave your husband, in the short term you don't have to get a flat or house on your own. You could rent a room in a house. It would be cheaper and give you some breathing space while you are thinking about your next move, but you wouldn't have the security of being at your sister's if you see what I mean?

property.advert

If you know how to spend money, which you surely do, then you do know how much food costs and how much the bills are but you're just not interested. Now is time to get interested, get your finger out and make up a spreadsheet. Only then will you know where the money is going, how much you have left and how you are going to pay for things in the big bad world out there.