Is there anything I can do?

KittyKate

I am worried about my friend. She's a lovely girl but terrible with money. I used to be like her whilst at uni but I've gone ultra-MSE since and I love finally being in control and now I want to help her now I've found out the true extent of the trouble she is in.

Basically she's £30,000 in debt. She lives with her dad (ie, isn't a homeowner), she owns a car and really posession-wise that's about it. The majority of her spending a few years ago from what I gather was on credit and store cards on laptops, PDAs, the latest mobile phones, clothes, lots of very expensive meals out and loads of nights out. She went through a rough time and spent to make herself feel better basically.

Anyway she took a consolidation loan and did the usual mistake of spending as soon as her cards were clear again. She did this twice and that's how she ended up in debt. She spent hundreds of pounds moving down South when she got made redundant only to find competition was fierce and housing/bills were double. The, tragically, her elder brother was knocked off his motorcycle and killed by another driver in a hit and run. She moved back up North without a job, so I gave her CV to my boss and got her a £19,000/year position where I work (which I assumed at the time to be plenty enough to start paying back what she owes).

And it might be at a squeeze if she stopped spending..she has a fairly bad crowd of childhood mates who go out once or twice a month round the city and she ends up spending £50 on drinks for them and her. They literally say "can I have a drink" and she gives them £10 to buy one and lets them keep the change! (she's tried this with me but I won't accept it - drinks are pricy where we live but it's still £4 or £5 change). She started out as an Avon rep but she couldn't afford the petrol or to arrange the parties so she ended up giving all her stock away (I gave her £10 for a few bits she gave me and found on the web it was worth £30 - tried to give her the rest and she wouldn't take it. I bought her a few drinks..but drinks don't pay the bills, do they )

She goes out to dinner at least once a week and every day at work she spends £5 on dinner/snacks. She goes to the pub with our workmates and has 2 drinks at £3 a time. She then ignores phone calls from the bank when she hasn't paid the minimum off her credit card for 2 months. I introduced her to Pigsback so she could go for meals for free with the vouchers and she got a new 3 mobile at £35 a month so she could get the 10,000 (£100) in points - even though she had another month to pay on her o2 mobile! And now the banks don't have her number and the letters have started.

I've offered to help her, I've tried to introduce her to here but she's just so set in her ways. She wants to be happy and she spends to achieve that. She won't see a counsellor about her brother. She finished paying off her car this month and is now going to trade it in for one at least £10,000 more expensive (she can't at the moment as her credit score is terrible). I wish she'd have the 'lightbulb moment' but in the time I've known her it's been long coming. Is there anything I can do to help her?

Thriftylady

I'm reluctant to give up on someone, but my heart says that you can't help her. My sister is like this (albeit that she spends the money she doesn't have on different things, but it all amounts to the same thing) and she just refuses to be helped, yet at the same time feels so sorry for herself that her finances are such a mess.

I'd say that the only thing you can do is be there for her when it all tumbles down on top of her....

rog2

Your friend would be an ideal candidate for DFW - there are lots of potential ways to cut down, based on what you have described - but she needs to make the decision to come on here and post an SOA.
Also, she should be talking with PAYPLAN or CCCS as a DMP would, possibly, be one solution.

lynzpower

Kittykate,

You know you cant make someone turn thier lightbulb on. they just have to do it themselves. I was like your freind ( ok, maybe not as bad ) ultimately she has the choices to make these mistakes herself, and one day she will look back & learn from them. It is frustrating but theres nothing you can do.

KittyKate

It's frustrating indeed but I certainly would never give up on her as a friend as she is such a lovely person (too giving though!) She's been though a terrible time and there are certain people she knows happy to exploit her and there are people like me and my BF who just want her to be debt free as we believe she can't truly be happy dodging phonecalls, hiding letters etc.

I know I can't 'make' her have a lightbulb moment but it seems everything I try and advise her to help ends up meaning she spends more money! Pigsback as an example. I've tried to get her just to read this forum but she's not really interested and I'm worried she'd end up reading the grabbit board and spending more!

I've suggested she sees someone to advise her (CAB etc) but again she buries her head in the sand. She's been refused a further consolidation loan and now has no money on any of her vast array of cards - not even to buy a train ticket when she has no money for petrol.

I think I'll buy her Martin's book - she's a big reader. I won't (and don't) nag her at all but I do think she needs the voice of reason. Thanks for your advice everyone

lynzpower

Honestly, I think you are nagging a bit.

You have advised her what you know

You have advised her to see CAB

You have advised her to cut back

You are now going to buy her a copy of Martins book.

No offence, but it sounds like you are nagging her. She obviously isnt interested

No she cant be happy dodging the phone calls ( although at times, those harsh phone calls didnt bother me) , but in all fairness only SHE can make the decision to do something about it.

My nightmare lodger was the same. Unbelievably wasteful ( buy food, then bin it) buy stuff off ebay EVERY day, (me being at home letting the parcels in)
come home with 3 pairs of shoes and then moaning that shed got no money. Extending overdrafts, consoolidating, getting new debt all the time. Then she obviously couldnt pay her mastercard bill as she was getting those same letters I used to ( i can tell by the envelope) She left and those letters kept coming so I called mastercard, said shes gone, and stop sending the letters here. I expect she is deeper in debt than ever, and I dont think she cares. Some people will just do what they want and believe somewhere they are invincible.

Its fairly obvious your freind isnt invincible, shes been refused a loan now. It will catch uyp with her at some point, and no matter what you say now, she will ignore you, until the reality dawns.

All you can do in the meanwhile is sit back & watch it happen then be there for her when she needs you.

beverleyhills

Just be there for her when it all comes tumbling down. However you want to help her don't lend her any money.

Annie_Fanny

lynzpower wrote:

Honestly, I think you are nagging a bit.

You have advised her what you know

You have advised her to see CAB

You have advised her to cut back

You are now going to buy her a copy of Martins book.

No offence, but it sounds like you are nagging her. She obviously isnt interested

No she cant be happy dodging the phone calls ( although at times, those harsh phone calls didnt bother me) , but in all fairness only SHE can make the decision to do something about it.

My nightmare lodger was the same. Unbelievably wasteful ( buy food, then bin it) buy stuff off ebay EVERY day, (me being at home letting the parcels in)
come home with 3 pairs of shoes and then moaning that shed got no money. Extending overdrafts, consoolidating, getting new debt all the time. Then she obviously couldnt pay her mastercard bill as she was getting those same letters I used to ( i can tell by the envelope) She left and those letters kept coming so I called mastercard, said shes gone, and stop sending the letters here. I expect she is deeper in debt than ever, and I dont think she cares. Some people will just do what they want and believe somewhere they are invincible.

Its fairly obvious your freind isnt invincible, shes been refused a loan now. It will catch uyp with her at some point, and no matter what you say now, she will ignore you, until the reality dawns.

All you can do in the meanwhile is sit back & watch it happen then be there for her when she needs you.

I agree with Lynz 100%.

You say that "we believe she can't truly be happy dodging phonecalls, hiding letters etc." But I know it is sick but maybe she is - blissfully ignorant! I have a friend who I would love to be out of debt and I have told her I will help her when she is ready BUT she says that she has been in debt since she was 18, (she is about 34 now), and that she will be in debt for the rest of her life. The thought of that makes me come over all faint but what can I do?

You've told her that you will help so just leave it at that. You know what it is like when someone nags you, i.e. "I thought you were on a diet so why are you eating that cake?" Leave her to come round in her own time.

going2die_rich

If she won't listen to you tell her Dad. It won't make you popular and you might lose her as a friend, but a real friend would take the hit to stop their friend from digging themselves into an even deeper hole that will take them years to get out of.

Hopefully her Dad won't be stupid and just bail her out of the debt since she obviously doesn't stop once she's had help.

climbgirl

You can lead a horse to water......sounds to me like you've done more than enough to try and help her. Don't give up, I'd keep mentioning things like this site, pigsback etc. But there's only so much you can do. I know she's your friend but at the end of the day, it's her responsibility, not yours. And if she doesn't want to face facts, there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

If I were you I'd keep mentioning the site etc (without nagging too much) and be there to help out when the house of cards comes crashing down....there's not much else you can do.

TNG

climbgirl wrote:

You can lead a horse to water......

....but a pencil must be lead (S. Laurel):rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:


I would try and get her to do her SOA just for herself. Not to post or show to you (there's more chance that she will do it, that way), but maybe just writing it down might make the lightbulb come on.