Early-retirement wannabe

hugheskevi

Hi hugheskevi. I suppose the key thing which would set everyone's minds at rest is how did your wife respond when you told her that, based on what you'd posted about how you manage the family finances, a bunch of random strangers on the internet got really worried that your financial relationship with her was overly controlling, possibly to the point of being abusive? Did she:

I showed her the thread the day before I replied. She doesn't follow the MSE fora at all, but I often show her some of my posts on this particular thread, especially the start of financial year ones I post with lots of graphs/charts, etc, given that they are effectively annual reports.

I just asked her how she would describe her reaction, which was 'with humour.' When she was reading it there was a lot of snorted laughing and assorted 'Devil' comments, along with what a 'skinflint' I am.

happyandcontented

All I would say is that it is possible to work together and decide the priorities in life without one party dominating the issues to the level you have taken it.

You said:
'I doubt many couples have agreed in such detail any or all of the above by just after the age of 30 (we are now 40). This leads to the financial strategy to deliver this'

And I would agree that is broadly true, however, we did do a similar thing early on and we are still doing it now, and like you that has allowed us to be in the position, we are in now which is to retire early and indulge our love of travel. We also have a large family who have taken up a lot of resources (which we agreed on and planned for) and we don't live frugally to fund a lifestyle later on which we may never live to see, or at the expense of the dignity of one partner who has to ask for what is effectively 'pocket money' when she earns a good salary.

For all your strategies, what still comes across to me is that your position is very much the 'patriarchal head of the family unit' and the 'little woman' whilst 'indulged' with some things, really shouldn't expect all her'whims' to be pandered to. I am no feminist, but I really thought these attitudes had fallen by the wayside as the old guard died out.

Planning together, you overseeing the finances, discussing large ticket items, all of that is perfectly fine. What is not fine is the forensic examination of who brought what to the marriage financially, who earns what, allowing her x amount to access, rather than just access and the overall tone of superiority and the ultimately, 'I will brook no argument from her' sense I get from your posts.

I am out at this point on this subject ( unless provoked!) as the thread has been derailed and it is a useful resource. I remain gobsmacked that any woman with the capacity to earn what your wife does allows herself to be mistreated in the way you have described, even if she can't see it. I do wonder what she would make of the posts on here and whether they would be a wake-up call.

I very much doubt you will show her, more likely is that you may do so selectively!

mgdavid

happyandcontented wrote: »

...........

I very much doubt you will show her, more likely is that you may do so selectively!

see previous post, which crossed with your challenge :rotfl:

happyandcontented

mgdavid wrote: »

see previous post, which crossed with your challenge :rotfl:

I am really glad you find all this funny, so do I:rotfl:

Especially the post where you were told it was you that should apologise or did you miss it?;)

bugslet

I'm glad I'm not married or partnered up, seems like hard work.

michaels

bugslet wrote: »

I'm glad I'm not married or partnered up, seems like hard work.

You don't know how lucky you are....

Moby

How people define 'value' and see the difference between 'need and want' is such an individual thing. I see some of the spending choices my partner makes as frivolous or unnecessary and she sees some of mine in a similar way....taken with the generally accepted view that money is the source of most relationship strife....separate management of accounts is the healthiest way to manage potential issues with joint accounts for joint responsibilities such as vets bills and holidays.

justme111

Or may be more likely recognition that arguing has to stop as it is not the "marriage and relationships" board:D
More on topic - my partner stopped working and yesterday it was the first time that he drawn money from savings. He feels so wrong about it , he refuses to look at numbers again to reassure himself it can be done because he says he knows the numbers add up but knowing it does not change how he feels. I can see a giant neon emergency light flashing in his head " I am going to spend all my savings"!
He said this phrase a few times and when I tell him those are not going to be "all" his savings he does not respond and then in a few weeks says exactly the same sentence again!
He does not know exactly how much his pension is going to be if he takes it at certain different dates; he does not have a confirmation of his state pension affairs , he does not know exactly what his lump sum is going to be AND HE DOES NOT USE HIS TIME OFF WORK TO FIND OUT !!!
Wish me strength to witness it , keep my mouth shut and not to give disapproval vibes ..

Bravepants

justme111 wrote: »

Or may be more likely recognition that arguing has to stop as it is not the "marriage and relationships" board:D
More on topic - my partner stopped working and yesterday it was the first time that he drawn money from savings. He feels so wrong about it , he refuses to look at numbers again to reassure himself it can be done because he says he knows the numbers add up but knowing it does not change how he feels. I can see a giant neon emergency light flashing in his head " I am going to spend all my savings"!
He said this phrase a few times and when I tell him those are not going to be "all" his savings he does not respond and then in a few weeks says exactly the same sentence again!
He does not know exactly how much his pension is going to be if he takes it at certain different dates; he does not have a confirmation of his state pension affairs , he does not know exactly what his lump sum is going to be AND HE DOES NOT USE HIS TIME OFF WORK TO FIND OUT !!!
Wish me strength to witness it , keep my mouth shut and not to give disapproval vibes ..

I think I will likely feel the same way in a few years' time when it's my turn to draw from savings. BUT I do know when other pensions are going to kick in. He needs to work that out so he can destress and not worry about it.



I have been reading about income this morning (following the Power of Dividends thread), and I look at it this way...apart from cash on standby for emergencies and big spend items, the drawing down of savings is just now an "income" to allow you and he to live a happy retirement. Phasing retirement and knowing what will provide income at each phase should provide the reassurance that the income does not dry up. It's the income drying up that he should be more worried about, not spending all his savings. He has saved his savings so he can retire...so his savings are doing exactly what he wanted them to do, that is providing him an income during this phase of his retirement.

atush

bugslet wrote: »

I'm glad I'm not married or partnered up, seems like hard work.

If you are male, that right there lowers your LE