Being bullied at work

Quen39

Over the past 3-4 weeks someone at work who I haven't had much to do with has suddenly started making daily remarks aimed at me which always have the theme that they're unpleasant.

The things he says on their own could be described as harmless jokes and I would normally take it this way but since it started they seem to be getting more frequent and it only seems to be me he aims these remarks at, no one else. I've also noticed he seemed to attempt to try and get other people involved by saying the offensive joke to someone else but in earshot of me. A couple of people in the office do seem to have joined in although not as persistently as him.

Today he brought up in front of several colleagues how I always muck everything up, referring to an isolated mistake I made about 3 months ago which I raised myself as soon as I realised. He also said a couple of days ago again in front of colleagues during a discussion about relationships that I was "probably a virgin".

I feel like it's making my work life hell, I'm starting to be late for work because I dread even getting out of bed each morning. I don't want to have to deal with this crap and I just want to get on with my work in peace. I could probably talk to my manager about this and I think HR would take a complaint seriously in line with its policies. So there is some good news as I know some people wouldn't even have these luxuries.

The policy on harassment/bullying recommends I have an informal chat with the person making the harassment. I could do it although I think I'd find this difficult and also I fear he would try and use this against me by doing something like saying I'm making allegations.

Also, I expect HR would want proof to even do anything beyond an interview, such as witnesses who can back up what I'm saying. It seems like he is friends with pretty much everyone else in the office so how can I expect them to be witnesses?

The other problem is he seems to be professional in his job so how can I convince HR that someone like him would behave like this?

I've started keeping a diary. I've only got three days (with seven incidents) in total, anything before that I don't have dates or times because I only just thought of keeping a diary. How long am I supposed to endure this before I have enough recorded in my diary?

Sambucus_Nigra

Every time this person makes a statement like this, look at your watch, take out your diary and write in what was said, and the date and time thus:

*looks at watch
'Monday, 11:04; states 'he's probably a virgin' then makes 'comedy raised eyebrows at colleague 'dave ransom'.

If you can, say the words that you are writing nice and slow as you write them.

Should stop him in a day or two.

If he asks; tell him you have been advised to record all the personal statements along with times and other colleagues that are 'involved'. If he asks, don't tell him who advised you, but just raise your eyebrows and say 'i could tell you, but I'd have to kill you', smile and get on with your work.

Double and triple check your work and make sure you don't make any mistakes. Get into work early, and keep your head down. Don't give him any ammunition.

It should soon be over if you manage this situation carefully.

Oh, and do not let your diary out of your sight. Ever.

SarahLou

As someone who has been bullied at work in the past, I realise it is so uncomfortable. I attribute that problem to me getting diagnosed with depression some years ago - luckily something I've not suffered with since (and funnily enough I no longer work at the place in question). It was just one person seemingly against everything I did/said.

Like you, I dreaded getting out of bed in a morning.

I really feel for you. In the line of work I was in, I was in no position at all to keep a diary as I worked in cleanrooms in a laboratory environment so didn't even have scrap paper or anything to write on. So that wouldn't have been an option for me but I do think its a good idea if you do keep a record as accurately as you can.

I'd never have had the guts to read it out aloud or make a point of actually keeping a diary as the poster above suggests. Instead, I waited a good few months (and made sure I was always, wherever possible, with other people when I knew I'd be faced with this particular person - that way whenever she said anything to me/about me/etc then there'd always be people to witness it (even if they never mentioned it or said anything to me about it, I knew they'd at least notice).

I waited til we all had to have our "one to one" type meetings with our line managers and I finally plucked up the courage to mention it at that point (knowing of quite a few occurances had been noticed by other colleagues by this point). My line manager (who I thought wouldn't do anything about it) took it very seriously and actually told me that this person had been told twice before about bullying type behaviour towards two people who'd worked there before I started. So this would be her third reprimand, so to speak.

I was given the option of either sitting in with her when she got pulled up about it and chatting about it all with her present or going through it all in writing with my line manager without her present. I went for the second option as I couldn't stand to sit in the same room as this person, never mind have the guts to stand up to her like that. She made me feel so useless and pathetic.

Funnily enough, I dreaded what would happen but she couldn't have turned out to be a "nicer" person afterwards - I knew she'd been pulled up about it as she suddenly turned into a completely different person with me.

I never "forgave" her as I knew what she was like underneath but on the surface she'd have had me believing she was my best mate after it all. But, like I say, its something that stayed with me for a long time. Consequently left that place - she wasn't the main reason but she was a big part of my decision to leave.

I would definitely say something after you've made some notes/think you have any witnesses that could be called upon. (I did - no one really said anything to me about it but when I named person A saw this, person B saw that and person C heard her say such-a-such, all such A, B, C, people did come to my rescue when I needed them to).

Let us know how you get on. Good luck.

Sambucus_Nigra

SarahLou wrote: »

I'd never have had the guts to read it out aloud or make a point of actually keeping a diary as the poster above suggests.

And that's what a bully relies on - if you haven't got the guts to stand up for yourself, then you probably won't have the guts to keep evidence.

SarahLou

Agree to a degree - with me, I found it easy enough to keep the evidence, just didn't want her knowing I was doing anything about it til the time came

Sambucus_Nigra

SarahLou wrote: »

Agree to a degree - with me, I found it easy enough to keep the evidence, just didn't want her knowing I was doing anything about it til the time came

Good on you and glad it worked out in the end :cool:

gideon1969

Hello Quen,

Some good advice already given above. Do write down eveything that has happened with as much detail as possible (time, date, place, names of witnesses, exactly what he said and exactly how it made you feel.) Take it to a manager / HR person you trust, or maybe you are in a Union, you could take it to them.

The part about the guidlines saying for you to have an informal chat with the scum bag. Just explain to the person you go to that you feel you can't do this because the scum bag is so intimidating and offensive.

You say he seems to have lots of friends around? Could be they are just going along with him for an easy life and if any of them are asked by a manager / HR what has gone off, they will spill the beans on the rat bag in a second.

If management / HR dont stop the bullying, go to your union (join one if you are not in one).

If this does not stop it, give me a pm and I will come round and smash his face in (he-he, only joking honest...)

good luck, keep your chin up.

pjcox2005

Are you sure you can't have a quiet word with the individual (it does feel a slightly more grown up thing to do personally). Most people are reasonable and often don't realise when they've overstepped the mark.

Explain that you've found the comments out of order and would like them to stop. See what happens as a result.

Quite frankly, I can't see how that conversation will make things worse, they will either stop or if the level of comments raise for a week or so then it will be easier to lodge a formal complaint.

DKLS

I had a similar situation, when I was much younger, constant sniping and digs, she used to do this to everyone, one day I snapped after a nasty comment and vented my spleen in her direction, and took the afternoon off, I came backhe following morning fully expecting to pick up my P45, but she collared me in the kitchen and said she respected me as I was the only person in her career that had stood up to her, from that point she was lovely, bringing in cream cakes for me twice a week and being flexible with requests to leave early etc. She was still an utter cowbag to the rest of the team though.

lindelou

Hi Quen, I too work with someone who is spiteful and vindictive. I have found the best course of action is to ignore this person or walk out of the room when he starts. There must be a reason for this behavoiur. Is he envious of you or insecure in his own role. Take a step back and feel sorry for him instead and you will see this from another angle.

Take care,
lindelou x

patman99

Quen, the advice in the first reply is spot-on. Having been the victim of work-place bullying I know how you feel.
In my case, I spoke to my union, then approached the hr manager. He dismissed the whole thing as 'workshop gossip' until I told him I'd spoken to the union. He dragged the 4 individuals concerned into his office and put them on a final warning.