Advice?

EB69

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We dont live together and there are no plans for us to do so - at least not for a few more years at least. Our finances are entirely separate. He knows roughtly what I earn and that I have a couple of properties with enormous mortgages, and importantly he is the "lender" of the personal loan. This was because he knew I had some massive interest charges going out so he offered to lend me the money instead to save the interest charges. I agreed on the basis that we split the difference on what he was then receiving as interest and what I was then paying and I then added an extra .5% as I didnt want it to ever be said that he had done me a favour - this way we both benefit! Its all properly and legally drawn (again at my insistence, I didnt want him demanding it back if we split up).

Anyway, he therefore knows about the mortgages and his loan, but not the credit cards. I dont know why I didnt feel I could tell him - probably because he is very good with money and has little or no mortgage, no debts, loans, CCs etc (he uses cards but pays off in full every month). I have no idea what he earns, and no interest in that information, but he certainly does OK for himself and has plenty of savings, investments etc. He is exceedingly thrifty with money, and herein lies the rub, he is very critical of those that are not. I have argued the case that not everyone is as lucky as him - he's had a couple of fortunate windfalls and received an advance on his inheritance, but be that as it may he would just not approve of my current situation. I really, honestly believe it would damage the relationship. I know it shouldnt and perhaps I'm wrong, but I am worried.

I have no desire or wish to discuss my finances with him but I wonder whether it is fair of me to do so? He doesnt ask, so that's not a problem, but if I am going to be doing things like scaling back on holidays and meals out I wonder whether I should say so. We are going away for a few days in November and whilst the holiday itself is paid for the meals out etc are not going to be cheap (it's a phenomenally expensive city, I'm told) but I have factored that into my currently financial situation so that's in control. Next year's holidays are a different matter though - the trips are booked and paid for, but I will need to address spending money etc then.

So, what to do? I worry about what he will think if I tell him, but as holidays and eating out are our only extravagance together perhaps he should know if I am putting the brakes on. I can get away with saying nothing certainly for a few months (he knows both my kids birthdays are coming up, and with Christmas etc he wont question me not wanting to be out all the time) and then sit down with him in the New Year and discuss matters if there is then any need, and hopefully by then I will have seriously dented the debt as well.

Am I being dishonest? How would you feel if you partner had debt? Would if change your opinion of them? For me it would make no difference at all, but then perhaps my lack of interest in money is what got me into this mess in the first place...

Tixy

Mostly people on here would say that if you live with the person or have joint finances then it is a good idea to share the extent of your debts, and in fact that the partner has a right to know.

I would say your case is a bit different you don't live with him so it could be said its none of his business but having secrets and you suddenly changing your spending pattern might make him worry or become suspicious.

I wonder if you can come up with a compromise, perhaps say something like
'oh i've let a credit card balance creep up a bit and want to focus on paying extra off that' or
'i want to watch what i'm spending in case interest rates rise and my mortgage payments increase next year' or even
'this news about the cost of higher education has made me think I really should be planning for the future a bit more so I can have some savings to help my children through university when the time comes.'

If you can do something along those lines then you are letting him know why you are cutting back (not that you don't want to spend time with him or are becoming a recluse!) without giving him the gory details which he may or may not take well.

Just my opinion anyway.

EB69

That's fab Tixy - thanks. He knows that I currently have two kids at uni so that's in fact a great opener! Also, the mortgage rate thing is a genuine concern so he will no doubt understand that too.

I am perhaps taking this all a biut too seriously at the moment, I am aware that this is the least of my problems and frankly in the grand scheme of things (and compared to what others are going through) its not a problem at all, but just want to make sure that I do it right so I can start afresh.

JimmyTheWig

What's happened with your debts over the last 3 years?

Is it the case that you racked up the debt before you met your partner and have been keeping on top of things since (though not making much dent in the debts)? If so, I think you should be in the clear. Tell him the truth. Tell him how much better you've been (especially if he has been an inspiration). Tell him that you want to focus on clearing the debts.

But if your debts have been getting worse over the last three years then it might feel to him that you've been being deceitful. In which case you need to think carefully about how to tell him.

Either way, I think you need to tell him. The longer you leave it the worse it will be when he finds out.
Obviously if you could pay off the debts before he finds out then that would be an option. But I doubt you'll last another 3 years without him finding out.
What if the two of you want to make things more serious (e.g. moving in together, marriage, joint finances, etc)? He'll need to know then, in which case he's better off knowing now.

MFWannabe

How much are you actually takling about on the cards that he doesn't know about? Is it going to be possible that you can pay it quite quickly or is it going to be years?

EB69

There has not really been a huge change in my debt level since I have known him - I have pretty much maintained it and make every payment, just not really got any of it down. To be honest I dont know what it was when I met him - I have only really just got to grips now with where i am. Butt here hasnt been a major change in either direction, I dont think. I have from time to time paid off a big chunk - I managed to pay off about £15k a couple of years ago (but that was when I didnt have silly mortgage and I'd had good bonuses) but instead of sticking at that and working on the next repayment I let it build up again when I had to spend a lot on the house - correction - I CHOSE to spend a lot on the house .It just always creeps back up - usually for bigger expenditure like holidays etc. I dont put clothes, shopping, meals out etc on cards, that all comes out of my income, but of course that is just diverting the money away from where it should be going.

In any event, I dont think its a case of being deceitful with him (and I dont think he would see it as such) as it is not something that has ever come up - whatever we do together we always pay 50/50 (even when we take his daughter on hols - I dont expect him to pay more to cover her share). But I definitely think it would make him wonder whether I can be trusted with money in the future were we to ever live together. Perhaps. Who knows.

EB69

FREEZ wrote: »

How much are you actually takling about on the cards that he doesn't know about? Is it going to be possible that you can pay it quite quickly or is it going to be years?

We never talk about credit cards, so I guess he doesnt know about any of them. I haven't lied about it, just hadnt come up.

I did the snowball thing this morning and if I really, really worked at it its possible I could have cleared the CCs within a year (assuming usual bonusses and no surprises with mortgage rates etc). not great, but even if I jad just one CC I'd feel happier, really hate having three.

Fiddlestick

EB69 wrote: »

I did the snowball thing this morning and if I really, really worked at it its possible I could have cleared the CCs within a year (assuming usual bonusses and no surprises with mortgage rates etc). not great, but even if I jad just one CC I'd feel happier, really hate having three.

That's great though - you now have a plan for taking it by the horns and clearing it

katu

EB69, your account sounds so similar I felt like I was reading about myself.

Same with me we don't live together yet but it is something that we have been talking about. He is really good with money, has investments, uses a card but pays in full each month, has mortgage plus another property which is owned outright and family have money

I am also the same that I don't want to tell him because it is not his problem. I don't want him to think that i expect him to help me out and I am also scared about how he will react to the situation.

I am in the process of setting up a DMP so that I will be able to contribute to food when we do live together and that will also show that I addressed the problem and intend to pay it back.

He know's that I don't have much money and I have always been quite cautious on spending when out. He realises that I owe money just not the extent of it. he has also never asked and the subject has not come up.

EB69

Well Katu, I hope that the fact that we are both managing to deal with it on our own will count in our favour rather than make them cross!

We have no plans to live together - but for very different reasons. He is a commitment-phobe - big time - and whilst I am not concerned about the commitment side of it I have a very nice life outside of our relationship and it suits me as it is at the moment, but more importantly I would only want to live with him if I felt that we were on an even footing and at present (and for the foreseeable future) I wouldnt feel that. I hope that the relationship flourishes, and whilst I know of course moving in with him would be the end of my problems (heavens - I would probably be debt free in a year!) I would never, ever want him to think that was my motive. I will therefore fix this myself and if and when the time comes to live together we can start out as equal partners.

annibee

Hi Just wanted to offer a quick reply to say I was that partner. My boyfriend's debt is what is floating around at the bottom of my sig apart from the mortgage. When i found out how much he owed i was firstly quite frightened if im honest but thats because ud never had any experience of credit or anything else. I was annoyed for about ten mins because we just moved in together when i found out and as he had been letting his mum deal with all the finances he wasnt entirely sure what he owed. It was a lot!

We sat down and as I am better at sorting the finances and organising things I took control (not of the paying just at the seeing what interests were causing the most hassle etc.)

I dont care whos debt it is ultimately my oh will pay it with his money but we are a family and everything has to be dealt with as a family i think it wouldve been very stressfull if he had had to deal with it on his own.

We're getting there a little bit at a time but i think telling your oh is always the best option because although financially they may not want to take over sometimes its just easier someone else knowing and if your partner is good at money stuff then his support could be really valuable to you.

Hope everything works out ok for you x