Husband at work earning money, wife at home with babies spending money

tiff

Do you have a written budget? Maybe the two of you should work out what you can afford to spend on groceries each week and she will have to stick to that amount. If its really not enough, increase it slightly.

suziebeau

Being a new mum is really overwhelming, and I've only had to do it one at a time! There is lots of stuff that you need, and it's difficult to plan ahead and keep to one shop a week as you are in a new and overhwhelming situation and really having to make it up as you do along... As well as there being lots of things that you really DO need, the retail industry is also very skilled at making new mums FEEL that there are things that they should be buying for your baby even if they are useless. They play on your insecurity and your wish to do the best for your baby. Hence the amount of things unused / hardly used baby kit that I am selling on ebay at the moment! You do cotton onto that fact though.

Once you and your wife have settled into your new role as parents the planning of what to buy will become easier, but have other people have said this is only the start really and the unexpected demands of the little angels will never go away so you have to budget for that!

I hope that you are both getting some sleep and have family near by to help you out. It is an amazing time, but also an exhausting and overwhelming time so look after each other as well as the babies

KiKi

Hi there

Many congratulations on your twins, how exciting - and hard work!

As others have said, I agree. Keep a spending diary of what the money goes on. It is actually stuff for the babies? If so, can you get it cheaper by bulk buying or shopping elsewhere?

Or is it - very possibly - boredom shopping, just to get out of the house to do something. Pop to the local shops for some sanity and pick up a diet coke, some bread, a packet of crisps, a couple of magazines...

You need to somehow come to an arrangement where your wife feels like she can go out and spend something (esp if it's stuff that's needed), without buying really unnecessary things that will rack up the debt. And, you'll need to do this without sounding like you have a problem with her buying things for herself, as she's probably feeling a bit hormonal, too. (FTR, I don't think you sound resentful at all, but it might be seen that way if you ask her to keep a spending diary!)

Perhaps a first step is to agree together what money you BOTH have to spend over the week, and then if it goes over, you've already both agreed the limit so can sit down and work out where it's gone?

When spending on a card it's so easy to not realise what money is disappearing! Perhaps if you suggest you both work in cash to make sure the debt doesn't creep up that would help? Perhaps she might also have some time (depending on the babies' routines) to do things like Ebay selling which give her a bit of control?

HTH
KiKi

debtdesperado

Maybe a better way than having conversations about 'why are you spending this?' (which do sound like you are 'checking up on her') is to rejig your household finances a bit....

It sounds as if you have one joint account, out of which all the money comes out?

What might be better is to have the money go into a joint account, where all the main bills, eg mortgage council tax, etc come out. Agree that neither of you will use any debit cards that come with this account.

Out of this account, also pay a chunk into a joint savings account. Again agree that neither of you will use any debit cards which come with this account.

These accounts are joint so that there is trust and transparency. You can both see what is happening with them at any time.

Then whatever is left over, gets split and put into your own separate accounts, for each of you to spend as you wish. So if your wife needs at the moment to cheer herself up with little spends, then she can do so. You might want to let yours stack up, and that is fine too. But because you have both worked out what is left, there is a limit to what you can both fritter, and you are still making savings and paying the bills.

I agree with everyone else's points about you both going through a big adjustment, so be patient with yourselves.

If I was in your wife's situation, and had gone from having her own money to being completely dependant on someone else for money, I wouldn't like to think that he was checking up on every penny that I spent which he deems unnecessary! That is humiliating. So if your wife wanted to buy you a present, you would see if she paid by debit card? I wouldn't like that.

You are right though to want to keep a bit of a lid on random spends, but I would say give her a bit of independence in spending without hovering over her like a parent!

pebblespop

i would look at exactly what is being bought each day.

if it is genuine things for the babies i would try to make sure you have all your essentials for the month as soon as you get paid (nappies, food etc) this should cut down the need to buy things everyday.

i do this for my pets stuff and with my household essentials (cleaning toiletries etc)- it ensures i never run out and have to make an emergency trip to the supermarket and spend extra whilst i am there on 'bargains'

if it;s just frivolous non essentials then your wife needs to understand why she can't spend like that as it will land you in debt eventually

do meal plans and make sure you have everything you need in your weekly shop .

i would imagine your wife is fed up at home - she needs to find free/cheap activities if you can't afford the daily shopping

winner12

Hi there
I dont think any of us think your resentful its just as hard been a dad I think communication is the key( my downfall )and as someone else said it can be lack of attention Babies are 24/7 full on twins even more so and its harder still when your tired 1 baby cries feed settle and low and behold baby 2 starts feed settle and guess what its time for baby number 1 again been there done that got the medal for the most amount of sleepless nights I found at first they did not want to be apart but after about 6 weeks of continous routine they went in there own cots so it down to 2/3 hours between feeds whoopee doo

winner12

Oh
and also just to say we are probably boring the hell out of you by now

morocha

i second debtdesperado advice.

i don't have twins, but when my dd was born, she is 3 now, i felt very lonely and very unhappy with myself, now i was a mother and i didnt look like i did before and that made me down, i do spend money when i am bored or feeling down. Also you have to add that when a woman goes to the shops, there are so many lovely things for babies, that we all want.
You need to talk to her about it, maybe she can join a mothers group or go to the local library for kiddies activities, will give her something to do aswell.
You need to work out how much in a month you both can have so she knows whats her limit. Also do the weekly shopping together and get EVerything you need. so she wont have to go to the shops every day.

izzybusy23

yay-me wrote: »

I am a stay home mum with two children, although not twins (3 and 10 months). I also have two older children aged 12 and 8 who obviousley are at school during the day. In the three years I have been at home not working I would say I have managed to run up about £20,000 of debt and as a result have just entered a dmp. My husband works long hours and it is basically boredom, loneliness and the internet that have made me so irresponsible. I too was just spending little and often and it soon mounted up until it was out of control.

Saying that my husband has never made me feel that he resents me spending the money while he earns it, in fact if he said no to me occaisionaly we might not be in this situation!!!

Analyse what the money is being spent on. Impulse buying due to boredom probably accounts for most of it. When you have a baby you want them to have nice new stuff.

As long as you are not getting into serious debt because of your wife's spending habits, and it makes her feel good about herself to go shopping perhaps you could set a weekly impulse buy spending limit.

I can certainly relate to the boredom and impulse buying when stuck at home with a newborn. I discovered Ebay when I was at home my DD and spent a blooming fortune!

OP does sound like your wife might have a touch of PND and doing these little 'shops' boosts her for little while so I suggest rather than ranting at her, sit down and have a chat to see if it is impulse buying or necessities.

guisantes

Well after lurking for ages your post made me feel like I should finally register and post something!

Like a couple of others have said, it can be incredibly lonely and overwhelming when you are at home with a LO (let alone LO's!) and in the early days I would try and find excuses to get out of the house and do stuff, sometimes in a negative way (i.e. hitting the shops)

If she hasn't already, would definitely recommend getting your wife involved with groups that are going on, the health visitor should be able to tell you about them. I have met some amazing friends who are in the same boat as me, and they have definitely made the adjustment to motherhood so much easier!

If your wife is anything like me, she may be spending but also feeling incredibly guilty about it, she knows as well as you do that your income has gone down, and sometimes, even if you are looking after small people, you feel like you're not earning your keep, which in turn can lead to more spending.

Something that really helped me is finding something to do for me. You can get sucked into a little whirl of trying to be a super mum, wife, cook, cleaner and lose a little bit of yourself. Is there anything that she can do to make her feel like herself again? In my case I started to do Spanish lessons, and I'm definitely a better wife and mother because of it (and spend less on rubbish because I'm not trying to plug a gap)

Also, as time goes on, you can roughly anticipate what things you actually *need* for the children. I have a master shopping list now, and after payday I do a big shop of all the stuff that we will need for the month (nappies, wipes, washing powder, toiletries, loo roll as well as sugar, flour, tea bags, tins, cereals etc.) reducing the need to go to the shop for one thing and coming back with 20! I then do top-up shops every Friday, and spend a LOT less than ever before with the help of meal planning.

Hope this helps