How to handle depressed bf's boss?

Tinkywinks108

Hi, I would appreciate any help or advice, or a point in the right direction.

My boyfriend has recently had a bad bout of depression and has been suffering from anxiety attacks. Because of this, he finds it difficult to call in sick, so I've been doing it for him. I've called in every day, not going into details but updating them ie. still not well, has got doctors note for this week, etc. His boss isn't the kindest of people and has been a bit grumpy about it but not said too much. (My boyfriend has been working there, with this same boss, for the last 20 years). (Also just to say his boss is one of those mean people who overpay you by 30p and then actually asks for it back).

This morning I called and his boss was quite rude and said he didn't want to hear from me, he wanted to talk to my boyfriend and was ready to put down the phone. I tried to explain he couldn't call but he was having none of it, then demanded I explain what was the matter with him. Perhaps I should have just told him but I said that it was quite personal and I didn't feel I could discuss it with him when he was being so confrontational. I also told him he plans to come in on Monday. At which point he said he was going to see his legal advisor and slammed down the phone!

I don't really want to tell my boyfriend all this as I know it will stress him out. I know he hasn't sent in the doctor's notes. I don't want to leave it so that if my boyfriend does go back in on Monday, it will be an uncomfortable situation and create more anxiety for him on his first day back. He has been off work for 2 weeks.

What should I do next? How do we stand legally?

bella*donna

Why hasn't your bf sent in the doctors notes? You said you have been calling in but not going into details, and you wouldn't answer the questions the boss asked you as it was personal. So what is the boss supposed to think? It sounds like he doesn't even know why your bf is off sick.

Tinkywinks108

I thought he had sent them in but just found out he hadn't, he's just not getting things done at the moment. At the start, I did say that my boyfriend had the flu - because that's what we genuinely thought he had until he got diagnosed.

I suppose I was just a bit taken aback because his boss never once asked for details before, not even out of genuine interest to ask how he is (don't forget, my boyfriend has worked hard for him for 20 years) and then when he does ask, it's confrontational, with the attitude that he doesn't believe me even before I've started. Depression is a very difficult subject and many people are insensitive about it, it still has a huge stigma so I guess I wasn't in the right frame of mind to discuss it with him when he was so rude to me.

bella*donna

I know how some people can be with mental illness - believe me. I have been struggling with various issues myself for over 10 years now. I just think your bf hasn't helped himself. A qiuck call at the beginning of the week to say he had a sick note, send the sicknote in and you wouldn't even have to be ringing the company so all that stress would be taken away.

The boss was probably being confrontational because your bf hasn't dealt with the issue himself and he doesn't know what is going on. I know your bf is finding things hard, but part of dealing with mental illness is putting things in place that can help to make your life easier. If he can't even ring his boss himself, is he ready to go back to work on Monday?

Tinkywinks108

You're right, I need to tell him to at least to send the sicknote in. It's phone calls in particular he has problems with, especially with his boss who is not the easiest of people to talk to.

We're not totally sure if he is ready to go back on Monday - we are waiting for his antidepressants to kick in and every day hoping he'll feel a bit better. He stayed with me for a few days and seemed a lot better, but as soon as he had to go back home and take his daughter to school - which he loves doing normally but found the bus journey's made him anxious. He is talking about leaving work and finding another job anyway at the moment because he finds it stressful - but hard to tell how much of that is just the way he is feeling, and whether work stress brought on the depression or the other way round!

bella*donna

Anti-depressants do take a while to kick in. Maybe it would be better to go back to his GP and get signed off for awhile longer. When he gets back, he has to ring his boss and tell him he won't be back for however long and then he has to send the sicknotes in. He really should ring his boss himself. I know he will find it hard but he will have to deal with his boss at some point and the longer he puts it off, the harder it will be and the more he will make of it in his own head.

They can't sack him or anything if he has a sicknote, but he has to do the things he is supposed to do, like sending in his sicknote. They cannot co-operate with him if he won't co-operate back. He doesn't need to speak to his work every day either, just keep them informed as to what is going on.

I can see you really care about your bf, and it really is wonderful that he has you to turn to for support. Just don't let him hide behind you because it will do more harm than good in the long run. Like I said, I know it's really hard, and I know you want to help him, but if he can ring his boss himself, he will feel so much better afterwoods. With depression, it's very easy to run and hide from every situation, but you do have to try to face things or things get worse.

Tinkywinks108

Thanks bella*donna, I appreciate your advice and support. I will speak to him about calling his boss - he just has such a mental block about it. But we definitely need to get those sicknotes in so will speak to him about that also. Worth knowing he doesn't have to call in every day too, as that would be too daunting. I need to strike a balance between supporting him and encouraging him to do things for himself, like you said, it's no use him hiding behind me.

bella*donna

As he starts to (hopefully) feel better, things should get less hard. Keep encouraging him and try to find some time to relax and have fun together (I like watching stand up comedy, OH and I on the sofa with a dvd and some popcorn is a great pick me up).

I had a similar thing to you, but the other way around. I started to not want to drive, so OH would always drive us around. I wish now he had insisted I drive sometimes cos fast forward a couple of years and I haven't driven for months and months. I've lost all confidence in it which makes me really mad at myself cos I worked really hard to get my licence.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you need any help or just fancy a chat.

Savvy_Sue

Actually, the boss is probably right to consult his legal adviser: what do you do if someone claims to be off sick but does not send in a certificate?

I don't want to be negative, but the employer doesn't have to pay SSP, CSP or anything in these situations: he has a duty to try to find out what is going on but atm your b/f is simply absent without authorisation. It is not an easy situation for the employer either!

babyshoes

Could you take in the sick notes for him if he isn't feeling well enough to go in on Monday?

When you feel depressed it is really difficult to get anything done, and it can turn into a vicious cycle - you don't do something you know you really should do, which makes you feel useless and more depressed and less likely to do the things you should be doing. Sometimes a supportive partner is invaluable - a bit of gentle encouragement or offers to do such things together might get important things done, but try not to bug him about stuff which isn't vitally important.

AFAIK, the boss doesn't have the right to demand details about his illness if he has a medical note, but without the boss having seen that I can see why he would be getting annoyed. The medical certificates need to get to work ASAP if you want to avoid the boss causing legal hassles, which is the last thing your bf needs right now!

Tinkywinks108

BF is in a really bad way, probably at his worst today, in floods of tears because he is feeling so low and doesn't know why, sooo hoping he will feel better soon. He got a letter from him boss yesterday, which basically said that unless he had personal contact from my bf, he would issue a written warning. BF really was in no frame of mind to call him, so I advised him to email his boss explaining the situation and to post off the sick notes asap (we don't live together and live about an hours journey apart otherwise the sick notes would have been posted by now by myself!). It took some insistence and support on my part to even get him to open the letter from his boss.

My boss said that my bf is legally bound to personally contact him (ie not getting me to do it) whereas my bf reckons that's incorrect. Who knows.

He is going back to the docs on Monday so will get another sick note as he just isn't ready to go back to work.