Upset

gandy

my problem with what you said is why do you have to change on how you deal with him rather than he changes on how he deals with these situations?

should it not be both of you having to make changes rather than you having to change just so he can still get away with being so childish at his current age.

there are plenty of people out there who have hard upbringings but don't use it as an excuse to hurt people they love. if he really wants to he can use this new start to get help in dealing with how he reacts and he needs to realise that being petty and childish is not the way to deal with his anger. (if only there was a supernanny for adults!! )

would he act like this if he was at work, out with his friends or in other situations he knows that this kind of behaviour just isn't on or does he just do this with you as he knows you'll take his excuses why he reacts this way and pander to him?

in my opinion i'd sit him down when the situation is much calmer and say that you won't put up with him acting like this, you need to either sort it together or maybe he needs to talk to a councellor.

he's obviously hurt you by his childish behavour but he needs to grow up and get a grip. he's an adult and how would he like it if you had a bratty strop when things didn't go your way?

sorry if this seems harsh but maybe by nipping it in the bud now you can grow even closer as a married couple and deal with this together rather than only you having to make the changes just to work round his unacceptible behaviour.

aliasojo

PinkPeach wrote: »

Sorry to ask a silly question but if say by sunday he's still not cleared the cards away did I ought to do it? This is what I mean about being rubbish in this type of situation, I don't seem to know how long to leave things etc.

My view is that you should lead by example. Personally I would have cleared the cards up immediately, leaving them does nothing except fuel the fire. You need to consistantly show your maturity and clamness in dealing with this even although you're stomping like a mad woman in your head.



(Then the angy childish bit in me would shred them finely and add them to his curry or bolognaise :whistle::D)

lynzpower

I would clear them up and still keep them if I were you, put them safe in your memory box.

Personally I think he sounds rather toxic, you are already covering up for him in front of others. Im sure there are many posters who will be able to say where this sort of thing can end and its not good.

Why shouldnt you be honest to your own mum? His behaviour is "closing you down" and restricting who you can be honest and open with.

I think this is not good and you should not collude with it.

bubbles0169

if he hasnt done it tonight after hes had a chance to get in from workid say whats he playin at, then if he doesnt apologise or tidy em up id walk out, maybe not permenantly but 'till he says sorry

malamay

Aww, I'm so sorry to hear about your fight, PP.

My OH and I don't fight all that often, but sometimes you do need an argument. The bad times make the good times seem all that much better, that's how we look at it.

I would be gutted to lose my wedding cards, I can't imagine how you feel. Personally, I would not clean them up, unless you are expecting company. I would want my OH to be reminded of what he'd done and how much he'd upset me. I am a bit stubborn, and would probably give him the silent treatment for a few days, although I don't recommend this as it doesn't really help that much!

If you're feeling low, try to remember the good times you've had together, and think there will be loads and loads more of those in your married life together!

PinkPeach

Thank you for your comments, it's helpful to see how others view the situation. Walking out or leaving him doesn't feel like an option for me right now, I've been married 2 weeks and whilst this ought to be a very happy time doing something like that would make the situation seem even worse to me and a terrible time to look back on. Alisojo, I think you are right in saying it's better to lead by example.

I can see that it ought to be both of us to change and I do intend to talk to him about this when he's calmed down. Sorry if I sound like I'm putting my head in the sand but at any other time I'd tell my mum whats happened but as I'm newlywed it just all seems like too much when I was expecting this part of my life to be hassle free

LE3

Hmm - well I'm going to be a slightly dissenting voice here ...

He sounds exactly like somebody I know.
If he is like the person I know, then at this time he knows he has over-reacted, but he has no idea how to take the next step & make amends.
If you leave the cards there, he will get himself more worked up - they will be a reminder that he's done worng & he'll get himself more worked up about it & more stubborn - the cards will still be there on the floor in 3 months time will be a continual source of pain/resentment between you.
Neither of you is squeaky clean here - you hit him, ran also away and started blurting your problems to a neighbour instead of handling it like an adult between yourselves ...

One of you has to be willing to take the first step to building a bridge & coming closer together again. I would suggest that this needs to be you ... why? well, why not?
Don't behave like a spoiled brat yourself, behave like an adult who wants to make things right again with your husband.


My suggestion:
Tidy up the cards. Take one look at them now and then discard them. They are, at the end of the day, only pieces of paper. Keeping the ripped cards will open the wound every time you look at them. If anyone does ask about them you say "We have such precious memories of our wedding day and have put some memorabilia away as keepsakes - we haven't been able to save everything though"
When you next speak to him (ideally right now, but prob when you get in from work) you say "Honey, I know you were really upset last night about the calamine lotion - the chemist said that they couldn't give you anything else without seeing the rash in case it's something that needs specialist treatment. I know how itchy you are and I really didn't want to come home empty-handed so the Chemist agreed that calamine lotion may help in the meantime.
It really hurt me when you started tearing up the wedding cards - it felt as if you were trying to tell me that you regretted marrying me. I know that they may only have been pieces of paper to you, but they were a memory of such a happy day to me. I know that it hurt you when I walked out and I am sorry for that.
We both know that nothing will bring back the wedding cards, but we can stop you itching! Once you are better we can move forward with our marriage & decide on strategies to help us both cope - now, shall we go to the late-opening chemist to get some cream?"


Be your lovely loving self towards him, treat him gently and allow him the opportunity to come to terms with his own behaviour - when he sees that you are giving him space & that you want to make up, he will get over his outburst more quickly. In time you will both learn to cope with each other & learn how to handle your anger ...
the person I know used to have days of not talking to his family because he didn't know how to say sorry - the more he was ignored, the worse it was - if the family made an effort to include rather than exclude him, he would come back into the fold much quicker - he just didn't know how to handle his emotions (including anger)

<PS on a separate note has he taken an anti-histamine like Piriton?>

gandy

good luck and i hope you do get things sorted out but remember making a marriage work is two people's responsibility so he does need to realise that throwing a hissy fit every time he doesn't get his way isn't smart or grown up.

he needs to reign this in for both your sakes *hugs* and definitely before you start thinking kids, definitely not a good example for a kid to see dad having a tantrum to get his point across.

shellsuit

LE3 wrote: »

Hmm - well I'm going to be a slightly dissenting voice here ...

He sounds exactly like somebody I know.
If he is like the person I know, then at this time he knows he has over-reacted, but he has no idea how to take the next step & make amends.
If you leave the cards there, he will get himself more worked up - they will be a reminder that he's done worng & he'll get himself more worked up about it & more stubborn - the cards will still be there on the floor in 3 months time will be a continual source of pain/resentment between you.
Neither of you is squeaky clean here - you hit him, ran also away and started blurting your problems to a neighbour instead of handling it like an adult between yourselves ...

One of you has to be willing to take the first step to building a bridge & coming closer together again. I would suggest that this needs to be you ... why? well, why not?
Don't behave like a spoiled brat yourself, behave like an adult who wants to make things right again with your husband.


My suggestion:
Tidy up the cards. Take one look at them now and then discard them. They are, at the end of the day, only pieces of paper.
When you next speak to him (ideally right now, but prob when you get in from work) you say "Honey, I know you were really upset last night about the calamine lotion - the chemist said that they couldn't give you anything else without seeing the rash in case it's something that needs specialist treatment. I know how itchy you are and I really didn't want to come home empty-handed so the Chemist agreed that calamine lotion may help in the meantime.
It really hurt me when you started tearing up the wedding cards - it felt as if you were trying to tell me that you regretted marrying me. I know that they may only have been pieces of paper to you, but they were a memory of such a happy day to me. I know that it hurt you when I walked out and I am sorry for that.
We both know that nothing will bring back the wedding cards, but we can stop you itching! Once you are better we can move forward with our marriage & decide on strategies to help us both cope - now, shall we go to the late-opening chemist to get some cream?"


Be your lovely loving self towards him, treat him gently and allow him the opportunity to come to terms with his own behaviour - when he sees that you are giving him space & that you want to make up, he will get over his outburst more quickly. In time you will both learn to cope with each other & learn how to handle your anger ...
the person I know used to have days of not talking to his family because he didn't know how to say sorry - the more he was ignored, the worse it was - if the family made an effort to include rather than exclude him, he would come back into the fold much quicker - he just didn't know how to handle his emotions (including anger)

<PS on a separate note has he taken an anti-histamine like Piriton?>

So just ignore his wicked and childish behaviour because he can't control his anger/emotions??

What is that showing him?

That he can do something ever so cruel to the OP, and she will forgive him and be all nicey nice.

Till the next time he kicks off and does some equally as childish and wicked.

It's not upto the OP to do anything. She did her husband a favour by going to the chemist in the first place.

Because he didn't like what she brought home, he started ripping up the cards, THEN and then only did OP lose her rag and slap him, then walked out.

THEN he ripped them all up. Was there any need for that? If he hadn't gone mental and started ripping the cards up in the first place, the OP wouldn't have slapped him or walked out.

He's not a baby. What you are suggesting is something I would do to one of the children when they misbehave.

He's an adult, and now a married man, so he needs to start acting like one.

DKLS

Whats wrong with him going to the chemist?, Our chemists aren't like the ones abroad who will hand over any meds you want. Of course they prefer to see the patient, and realistically the most sensible choice would be something like calomine lotion, which whilst it wont treat the cause it would help with the symptoms until he could see a GP.

I would want an apology and a massive helping of humble pie, before I could consider forgiving him for the wilful and spiteful damage of the cards. What happens after the next argument, Wedding Pictures, your dress, You?