Upset

PinkPeach

I've just got back from my honeymoon last weekend and have been meaning to post on here to say thanks to everyone for your advice over the last few months with my wedding planning. Sorry about this but I just need to vent as I'm really upset -

Last night my new husband and I had a row. He's been poorly since we got back with some kind of skin allergy and had asked me to go to the chemist after work to get something for it. I did go but was told they needed to see him in person in order to determine what they could do and so I bought some calamine lotion as I thought that may help to calm it for now until his docs appointment on monday. His skin is very itchy and has been making him feel rubbish but he got cross with me when he saw all I'd brought home was calamine, because it said on the label it's for sunburn (no mention of allergies). When I went into the living room our wedding cards were knocked over and when I told him that was unneccessary his mood got worse. He said I was a liar and hadn't even asked the chemist for anything else. I was angry at being called a liar when I'd gone to a reasonable effort to help him and shouted at him to f****** do it himself next time....he then started to rip our wedding cards up I managed to stop him doing more than a few by slappeding him across the back (not good of me I know and I promise I don't ever usually act like that but it was out of being so upset). I apologised for slapping him and he said he was angry because I'm come in from work and not even mentioned what I'd got from the chemist, just carried on with other things. As our shouting had upset our dog I decided to take him out for a short walk and when I came home every single card had been ripped up and left in a pile in the hallway. I was so shocked and asked him why he did it, he just said 'because I can'. (His usual response if he's in a mood). I spent the rest of the evening with my neighbour as I was so upset.

My cards were only up for 4 days adn it broke my heart that my favourite one from my parents had been ruined. I know they are only cards at the end of the day but after my wedding mum said to me that they will always be lovely to look back on. I'm now worried if she comes over she'll ask where they are as they'd normally still be up for a week or so. I can't bear to tell her what happened.

My husband has had a very hard life and I'm not making excuses for what he's done, but becaue of how he was brought up he's never had anyone to answer to and so despite his age can still act a complete brat at times - if not getting his way then doing something to spite me on occassions. I've not spoken to him since last night and am sat at work now feeling like crying again because those cards for me were part of my lovely memories.

I made the decision to marry him and am fully aware that I'll need to toughen up because he won't change and this isn't going to be our last row of married life. I'm just sad it was so soon after something so pathetic. If we spoke about it he'd say it was my fault the cards got ripped as I'd shouted at him/slapped him. I know that sounds controlling but this is his 'brat' behaviour - inside I know he knows he's done wrong but is bad at admitting it.

I've not cleared any of the cards up but did salvedge the ones from my immediate family. He'll be at work when I go home so if the cards are still on the floor I don't know if to just leave them there for him to clear up/throw away or what. My neighbour said to carry on with my own normal life but to not speak to him until I feel like it. I'm rubbish at arguments and so don't know how to deal with this when the shine of being a newlywed has suddenly been tarnished for me. I realise whats done has been done, I just needed to get this off my chest.

Sorry for the long post

mineallmine

Ah PP I just saw your post. Sending you hugs.

I once had a bad row with my mum and she tore up a picture of me. So I know how distressing damaging stuff like picture or your wedding cards can be. Unfortunately all this stuff is always in the heat of the moment, doing stuff we probably wouldn't normally do.

You did well to get the dog out - it's not their fault and bad rows can sometimes upset them in a number of ways from upset tums to developing behavioural problems.

I would leave the cards there myself. Try and look after yourself today, an extra tea or coffee here and try and be easy on yourself. And try and let things calm down. Take care.

PS: calamine is used for a number of things, it's the top thing we used for chicken pox ie itchy skin.

twirlypinky

It's always tough the first few weeks after a big event (your wedding!) as you're on a bit of a come down. I would just try to walk away from an argument like that and he'll soon realise he's only fighting with himself.

x

aliasojo

If it's any consolation, when my reasonably new husband found out we only had £3 left to live on after all the bills were paid, he flew into a rage and I came home to find our marriage certificate crumpled up in a ball on the table. :rotfl:

He'd conveniently ignored the fact I had spent nothing and blamed me irrespectively. He too was a spoilt stamp your feet type. I divorced the a-hole a few years later. (Sorry, maybe shouldn't have added that last bit considering how newly married you are. )

Don't let him away with this behaviour, if you do, it will never change. You don't need to argue but you do need to encourage him to learn new ways of dealing with things. Get a quiet moment when he's in a better mood and talk to him.

PinkPeach

aliasojo wrote: »

Don't let him away with this behaviour, if you do, it will never change. You don't need to argue but you do need to encourage him to learn new ways of dealing with things. Get a quiet moment when he's in a better mood and talk to him.

Thanks aliasojo. This is the reason I mentioned that he won't change and I need to learn how to deal with him differently, I've tried telling him in the past that there are better ways to deal with things but in the heat of the moment thats all forgotten, although he's a vast improvement on what he used to be so perhaps it just takes a long time :mad:

shellsuit

Oh PP that's awful

You only slapped him in anger because he started ripping the cards up ~ that was downright mean and nasty of him.

I don't know what to suggest, but I know if my OH did that, I wouldn't be speaking to him for a very long time, and I would let HIM explain what happened to the cards if anyone asks where they are/to look at them etc...

I don't know what else to say, apart from I wouldn't touch the cards. Leave them on the floor for him to sort out ~ and don't try to make peace with him, let him come and apologise to you.

Take care xxx

lynzpower

I dont know if it was in the heat of the moment, OP managed to stop him after 4, then went out and he had the choice then to continue to destroy these memories or to take a cuppa and calm down. He chose to do the thing he knew as op had told him would hurt her feelings.

I think this is actually really horrible and as I was reading this OP tears were welling up in my eyes, OP I feel for you.

I dont have any further advice really but a hard upbringing is no excuse for not taking responsibility in adulthood. Would he go to see a therpist to sort these issues out?

**dancingbutterfly**

oh pinkpeach thats awful love, very very childish.

i couldnt agree more with alias, id let him sweat and and not even give him the time of day. then when you feel you should speak to him again sit down and tell him that your so deeply upset with what he's done and that you wont take any of that crap off him.

but obviously its hard for me to say that when i dont know the guy, you know him better than anyone. but thats what id do, tell him that you wont stand for silly childish behaviour like that!!

take care xx

aliasojo

PinkPeach wrote: »

Thanks aliasojo. This is the reason I mentioned that he won't change and I need to learn how to deal with him differently, I've tried telling him in the past that there are better ways to deal with things but in the heat of the moment thats all forgotten, although he's a vast improvement on what he used to be so perhaps it just takes a long time :mad:

When a dog displays inappropriate behaviour, often the best remedy is to stand up and ignore them or to walk away. You obviously can't reason with a dog so you need to show them they can't carry on behaving like that, by actions.

Now, whilst I'm not calling your husband a dog , the point I'm making is that if he can't be reasoned with, you will need to end the situation by other means. (Note - sticking your fingers in your ears and singing la, la, la is likely to inflame things ).

You need to stay calm (calmness breeds calmness in theory) and you tell him, I know you're angry right now but shouting wont help so I'll leave you to calm down and then we can talk about it. Then walk away. Don't mention anything in particular about the situation, just end it. It's literally a case of re-training. Of course that depends on you being strong even although inside you're angry or upset yourself.

That's the sensible version. The other version isn't really printable.

bubbles0169

ahh pink i can see where your coming from, theres a couple of issues i hate with my partner but luckily(i think)he wouldnt be that cruel!(as in destroying something you cherish) i cant handle rows either but dont back down until im sure hes seen the reason why im upset
i dont think id be bothered about the cards tbh, it was one day,your not living in a wedding day your living a marriage, i wouldnt even keep the broken ones, everytime you look at them your going to be reminded how awful hes been,unless he can change for the better-not behaving like a brat-id consider whether i could live with that or not
just because hes like that doesnt mean its ok and that you have to live with it
i had a hard life too but always(well loads more often than not and wouldnt be a brat!) consider other peoples feelings first,its an excuse, he needs to change
have you ever threatened to leave because of his behaviour? i know we should take the rough with the smooth but to live on egg shells the rest of your life? well it doesnt sound like a happy marriage to me
id leave the cards for him to tidy up and if he doesnt id say 'are you going to clean your mess up or are you going to act like a spoilt brat all your life?'
if he comes back with 'its your fault you hit me' you say i tried to stop you from ruining them i wont do it again im sorry i did it but if you dont change i cant change
i hope it works out for you xxx

PinkPeach

He's not the type to see a therapist. We've had issues in the past about his outbursts and so my family used to take a very, very dim view of him indeed - thats why I couldnt bear for them to find out what he did to the cards as it would be like a step backwards, especially after they paid for most of our wedding. I wouldn't want my parents to know about it after seeing how happy they were at our wedding and that my mum said to her friends that he did her proud. I wouldn't want them to worry that things were anything like they used to be a few years ago as it was very stressful for them.

He deliberately destroyed the remaining cards as that was the worst thing he could have done to me, as in his eyes I'd been terrible to him for not helping as much as I could when he was unwell. Spiteful and childish, but thats how he can be.

I'm usually quite good at walking away from this kind of situation with him and just leave him to stew but because the cards ment to much to me, I just got really angry and made the situation worse by being fiery back. I'm going to have to be strong and carry on at the moment as from experience I know it's best not to speak with him about things for a couple of days. Only once he's calm will he be able to talk. The idea of re-training him makes sense, I can see I need to be firmer with myself consistently as well and not try to make peace so quickly as this probably doesn't help as it makes me a pushover.

The silly thing is that he sounds like such a nasty man (which he is being at the moment I know) but obviously we do get on or else I wouldn't have married him. I do feel embarassed though about how he's behaved considering we've only been married 2 weeks, it makes me cringe as I keep thinking about how no-one else probably has this happen so soon.

Sorry to ask a silly question but if say by sunday he's still not cleared the cards away did I ought to do it? This is what I mean about being rubbish in this type of situation, I don't seem to know how long to leave things etc.