Expecting first child advice please!!

rach2011

Hi,
This is my first time on here but love this advice on this site.
I am expecting my first child in January 2011 and whilst I am really excited my husband has decided he doesnt want to be a dad and wants to split up. I am devastaded and struggling to talk to people about this. We have a joint mortgage on the house and it needs a lot of jobs doing to it like heating, hot water, new doors etc. My husband doesn't think it will sell till these are done so wants to stay living in the house together till the jobs are done and we can sell. Although this will be hard emotionally I don't feel I have any other option as I can't afford a place of my own with the baby coming. I'm confused about what help I can get with regards to benefits as I will be a single mum but we are still married and sharing a home just in seperate rooms. He doesn't want to put his money to the baby but is happy to keep sharing the bills and help me in other ways and we are really trying to stay friends. I've been online requesting help and advice on various sites but they all want a phonecall and at the moment I'm just not in a state to talk about it.
If anyone can offer any advice or places I can contact via email I would be extremely grateful. I no I'm gonna have to toughen up soon but I'm 5mths pregnant so I'm emotional anyway without the shock of my husbands decision to split up.
Thank you.

Murgatroyd21

Are you working? What income do you live on? How much if you are working? Take a look at the link above for Benefits Check Up to begin with, and re-post for anything you are unsure of or just want more information on.

zaksmum

What a scumbag. You're better off without him. He doesn't want to put his money towards the baby? Sorry, but he's going to have to, he's the baby's father and he will have to pay towards the baby's needs. Is he working?

I can't give you any advice about what your entitlements will be as you'll still be living with him. Do you know if there's anybody else involved? How old are you? Do you have any family who can offer emotional support?

And why on earth do you want to stay friends with somebody who's treating you so badly?

Big hug for you.

Murgatroyd21

For a tax credits claim you can still be living in the same house as an ex-partner, but you may have to satisfy them at some point that you don't co-habit, and you are not being supported by them financially. Do you both pay equal shares of any bills? Do you have two separate shopping bills and storage areas? Do you do each others laundry? What is your source of income?

You say he wants to split up, but be sure. Perhaps just fear of the unknown and responsibility for a child. Splitting up doesn't stop him being a dad, like it or not, only not fathering children can do that.

rach2011

Thanks for your comments, I no its a bad situation but I can't help the way I feel. I am truly hoping he is just scared and worried about the situation and will come round but he seems pretty certain now. He says there is no one else involved but I guess I wont know for certain unless he tells me.
I have 2 part-time jobs in a school and out of school club which make it full time. He also works full-time. We do share the bills 50/50 and always have and he wants to keep costs down by sharing the food bill and stuff. Maybe the places I have asked for help think its a scam and thats why they want me to ring. I promise you it is not, I nor my husband have never been on or claimed any type of benefits before and have both worked full time since leaving school. I am 29yrs and he is 31yrs. I never in a million years thought I would b in this situation.
My mum is being really supportive and I love her dearly for that.

sulkisu

rach2011 wrote: »

Hi,
He doesn't want to put his money to the baby .
Thank you.

He has no choice about that, I'm afraid. He has a responsibility to provide for his child financially and you need to ensure that he does this. Also as he will remain in the home and will continue to share bills etc (as he should), there really should be no need for you to claim anything - assuming that you will also have an income, e.g. employer's maternity pay, SMP, maternity allowance, CTC, child benefit etc.

It sounds like a tough situation, and I appreciate that you want to try to remain on ftriendly terms with your husband, but he has a responsibility to this baby and that needs to come before 'trying to stay friends'.

DX2

rach2011 wrote: »

Thanks for your comments, I no its a bad situation but I can't help the way I feel. I am truly hoping he is just scared and worried about the situation and will come round but he seems pretty certain now. He says there is no one else involved but I guess I wont know for certain unless he tells me.
I have 2 part-time jobs in a school and out of school club which make it full time. He also works full-time. We do share the bills 50/50 and always have and he wants to keep costs down by sharing the food bill and stuff. Maybe the places I have asked for help think its a scam and thats why they want me to ring. I promise you it is not, I nor my husband have never been on or claimed any type of benefits before and have both worked full time since leaving school. I am 29yrs and he is 31yrs. I never in a million years thought I would b in this situation.
My mum is being really supportive and I love her dearly for that.

Being blunt here OP sorry, but you really haven't got a hope in hell claiming to be a single parent, especially as you both split everything 50/50 and live in the same household.

AsknAnswer2

I'm afraid the others are correct. It is highly unlikely that it will be accepted that you and your husband are no longer a couple in that situation.

I feel for you and I do understand having been in a similar situation myself. My "man" (and I use that term very loosely) didn't come round, and I chose to stick to my beliefs and have the baby with or without him. Sadly my baby passed away but I remember (and won't forget) how it felt. I didn't feel I could talk to anyone either at the time, I just didn't feel anyone could truely understand. It's a truely awful situation to be in, always hoping the other half will come round to the idea, and wondering what on earth you will do and how you will manage if they don't. You can do this alone and trust me, you will manage. If ever you do need someone to chat to, whether now or at any time you feel ready feel free to chat away to me.

You can email shelter in regard to the housing situation. And if you need help with baby things there are some charitible bodies that can help people in your situation. http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/how_we_can_help/advice_by_email

Jowo_2

Go and see a solicitor to find out your rights to see if you are likely to be able to remain in the property until your child reaches adulthood and have your husband contribute towards the cost of bringing up your child with him living somewhere else!

The Shelter website does have a section on relationship breakdown which does give some basic advice on housing rights but you should seek legal advice.

He sounds like a complete t*t - how can he say he wants nothing to do with the child but remain in exactly the same accommodation in the meantime just because he wants to economise on his living expenses?! Is he just going to sit and watch TV while you bathe and feed the child, play computer games while his child is crying and have his mates round for a beer while you nurse them through all the usual childhood illnesses?! Wally.

He should man up - move out because its his decision to end the relationship and cough up because he's abandoned you and is obliged by law to support his child. It's up to him to modify his lifestyle to find the money to support his family rather than expect you to subsidise HIS living expenses while he upgrades the property with a view to making you and your child homeless....

Or you may decide to move out into rented accommodation or back with your mum, rather than remaining in a less than habital house.

Consider talking to the Samaritans - they are experts who will be used to speaking with very emotional and distressed people who are struggling to communicate their despair. They are not judgemental - phone them for free to offload all the issues that are making you upset. They won't give advice, they will be a sympathetic ear. Perhaps once you've discharged some of the huge emotions, you can then focus on getting into contact with advice organisations like Shelter, citizens advice bureau and a solicitor to understand your rights and his obligations and get an idea of what you want to do, rather than having a plan imposed upon you by your husband that advantages him and disadvantages you.

brndette21

For you Rach, as your husband want to split with you because he is not ready to become father. A lot of story of pregnant women had a situation like yours, but you must be strong for your baby. I think if could already see your baby. I know he would accept the fact the he is already father. Congratulations and good luck.

miamoo

I just wanted to add that I'm sorry for whats happened to you, your boyfriend sounds like a complete idiot to be honest, and you really are better off without him if he can be so heartless. He wont have the option to not pay for the baby, so dont worry moneywise he will have to pay. Couldnt you move in with your mum for a little while?