do i go it alone or ride it out?

robwend

ive been with my husband 6years, not long i know, i have 2 kids from another relationship,but my husband has a very close bond with my youngest as hes been there scince she was 3, we have been having marridge problems for a fair while and ive just kept plodding along, we have just moved "again"to a house that needs total renervation ,which has caused alot of stress, 3 months ago he also knocked down soemone and they died<he had witnesses it wasnt his fault and hes not being procecuted>scince then ive sen a side i really hate, he showed no real sympathy,and has got himself in other trouble recently through work which will now go to court and we will be fined,he shouts all the time when u ask him to do anything, <says he has too coz i dont listen>and at weekend went crazy at me eldest daughter over what he wanted to watch on telly>. i told him never to scream at her like that again or you can leave and he went nuts, trying to front me out, all i saw was a pathetic man trying to justify himself and scince then any feelings i had have gone, i cant belive i feel this way.so what the hell do i do?we have a joint mortgage, i only work partime as ive no qualifications althought im at college now training, and my kids love there new home , i feel so torn and sick to the pit, and have no money to go it alone, sorry about the essay but i cant sleep for worrying

lynzpower

Oh hun, im really sorry to read this.

I wonder given the accident whether it might be making him somewhat depressed, to be honest if I knocked someone adn they died, Id be going literally mental. What aupport is he getting for this. no wonder you are seeing a horrible side to him, this is a really horrible thing to happen.

On top of that unsettled homelife with moving and everything bound to ut stress on the situ

Are you talking muhc to each other at the moment? Whats his feelings on the way things have been going?

wigginsmum

My feeling too is that he is traumatised by the accident, which doesn't make it any easier on you. Can you suggest he talks to his doctor or contacts the Samaritans?

robwend

hi lynzpower, hes never spoken about the accident unless asked. but it never coms up in conversations, ive asked him if he feels guilty about it<even though it wasnt his fault id feel awful> but he said "no why should i ~" i did nothin wrong"hes a cold man and never been big on feelings but this was a side i had not seen,we seem to move about because of me, when i feel like leaving i sell a house!!lol its my way of trying to better things.as for talking to my husband. all he says is that im his nightmare. he gets no respect and basicially hes hard doen by. this isnt the case at all ,when hes nice to us we are nice to him. when hes doing his normal pick on people day he dosnt get the good stuff. i expect him to help with diy,<he does nothing round the house housework wize>i expect him to be kind and helpful.because thats!!! who i married!. its like as soon as we was wed it alllll changed, still knowones said what i should do?, im fed up with being shouted at because he says if he dont shout at me i dont listen!<i listen loud and clear, >hes newgame is when we are having a disergreement what ever it may be, he will talk over me everytime i talk. the frustration inside me is boiling up. i feel helpless

seven-day-weekend

Would it be possible for both of you to sit down, take stock and remember why you made those marriage vows?

I appreciate it won't be possible if he doesn't want to, but it seems a shame to split up when the main problem (as I understand from what you've posted) is lack of communication.

Moving house all the time is not an answer to your problems, my husband's mother did that and when I met my husband he had moved 18 times in 22 years and he had absolutely hated it, always having to change schools and make new friends.

You really need imho to sort out why he thinks you don't listen to him (even if this is not true). It is wrong of him to shout, but it still appears to me as though there is not a lot of communication going on between you. This may or may not be all his fault, but if as you say he hasn't always been like this, why has he changed? Have you changed too? Is he, in spite of his denials, traumatised by the accident?

Some good talking needs to be done here, either together or with a RELATE counsellor.

rchddap1

No-one can tell you what to do to sort out these problems. Only you can sort out that one. People here can make comments on why they think he could be the way he is, or what they personally would do. But at the end of the day it is your life and so only you can work out the best course of action.

Have to agree that moving house all the time isn't going to make things any easier. And may make things harder having to 'start again' all the time. It may give you something else to focus on for a while, ie, doing up the new house, but the underlying issues will always be there.

The accident must have affected him. Even if it wasn't his fault 99.9% of people would be traumatised by it. My partner once stopped by the side of the road to help a motorcyclist who had been knocked off his motorbike (trained first aider). Turned out that the guy died at hospital....but people at work teased him about it saying that he can't be a good first aider. He laughed it off as per usual, but it did hurt him to hear them say that. And it did affect him for a while after. Fortunately he realised that he had done everything he could at the time and felt good about himself for that reason. The fact that the guy didn't live was besides the point....he'd done everything he could.

Now, if he'd have been a part of the accident it would have been different as he would have been continually going through things....asking if he could have done things differently....and driving himself nuts.

It does sound as if your relationship has serious communication and possibly respect issues. However, you know your partner best, and so are best placed to work out what to do about it.

robwend

seven-day-weekend wrote:

Some good talking needs to be done here, either together or with a RELATE counsellor.

hi seven. went to relate 5years ago. as straight after we married he changed , he wont go again<ive asked, because he said they will just blame him, so whats the point><last time we went they bascially told him to grow up>and he didnt like it, we went twice and he wouldnt go no more, said he would sort himself out.what makes it worse is that he works away, hes only home weekend and i dread fridays, i look forward so much to him going back to work, sounds so mean i know, but im just so goddamm tired. i talk all the time to him.from what i can see it falls on deaf ears, hes a typical bloke who thinks he can sit back and the marridge will work itself out. he only seems to change for a few days when i threaten divorce