family breakdown 8 September 2010 at 10:41AM in Over 50s MoneySaving 10 replies 1.5K views

Newly_retired

I am very afraid that my daughter's marriage may be on the verge of breaking down. As one who has been through that, many years ago, I know how hard it can be, and want to support her as best I can.

Financially speaking it will be almost impossible for them to work out as they have committed themselves heavily with a house extension etc. and have two young children.

I can't help feeling a certain sense of fear that because I went through it, she feels she can/must.
Obviously I cannot go into all the details but I just have this real sinking feeling having been there myself, albeit in very different times and circumstances.

tanith

Sorry that your family is going through this , been there and am in a similar situation to yourself.. but you need to keep out of it apart from supporting your them and letting them know you are there for them. They presumably will not do this lightly and if they feel this is the only way for them then its their decision to make.. be there for them all when it falls apart.. its going to get messy and taking a weight off by offering to have the children over so they can 'talk' would probably help them...

pollypenny

You have my sympathy, NR!

We never stop worrying about our kids, eh! DD is my permanent worry, reels from crisis to crisis.

Newly_retired

Thank you for your replies, pollypenny and tanith. Yes, I have kept out of it so far but today DD rang and asked to talk. I said I had not wanted to get involved but she said she thought as I had been there, I would have some insights. So I have agreed to speak on the phone tomorrow night.

tanith

Well thats not interfering its just supporting your daughter, but be wary of what advice you give as it could come back and bite you on the bum if they work things out eventually.. sounds like there is still hope for them good luck

lilac_lady

No matter what age you are you always worry about your children. I sometimes think there should be an "off switch" relating to family as you get older.

I hope it's not too stressful for you. No point in advising you not to worry because you will.

Errata

Newly_retired wrote: »

Thank you for your replies, pollypenny and tanith. Yes, I have kept out of it so far but today DD rang and asked to talk. I said I had not wanted to get involved but she said she thought as I had been there, I would have some insights. So I have agreed to speak on the phone tomorrow night.

I've always found the best support is from the person who says "What other ideas do you have about this..............what do you think might happen if you do that...............why are you dismissing x y or z.... tell me why that isn't possible............you need to ask a professional about that ............etc"
Help her to develop her own insights; they will be more meaningful to her.

Newly_retired

Brilliant advice, thanks.

pollypenny

You know, I am fumbling for that off switch! I am fed up with DS's shennanigins.

Hope things work out for your dd, NR.

Savvy_Sue

pollypenny wrote: »

You know, I am fumbling for that off switch! I am fed up with DS's shennanigins.

Hope things work out for your dd, NR.

May I commend the SEP field, as in Someone Else's Problem?

First introduced to me by Douglas Adams in the memorable Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, it is a simple enough idea.

If something has an SEP field around it, it becomes invisible. Therefore, there IS nothing to worry about.

I'm not saying it's easy, but you can start simple and work up ... eg DS3 was going out and I asked what time he was starting work the next day, and he wanted me to check and text him. Sorry, SEP, not mine, your responsibility not mine.

Newly_retired

Yes, obviously there are limits, and some things are off limits.