Child contact and maintainance help needed

elaina79

I really need some advise on several matters.
My husband has at least 1 possibly 2 sons with an ex partner. The children are now 13 and 9. He hasn't seen them in about 8 years and has had no contact whatsoever.
The children live in scotland and we live in england. My husband wants to resume contact with the children and we now have the mothers address and possibly the phone number.

He desperately wants to resume contact but doesnt know the best way to do it. The relationship he had with his ex was quite turbulant at times so he doesnt know how she will react to his contact.
She could either want him to resume contact or make it very difficult for him.

Then there is the added worry about the oldest child (he knows he is the father to this child) who is now 13. He may not want any contact. The youngest child wont remember him as he was only 1 when we last saw him. The ex has always maintained that my hubby is the father but he has doubts. He always included him when we looked after the children and he treated him as his own.

What would be the best way to start the ball rolling if he decided to do it. He wants to just phone but I'm not sure thats a good idea.
Also if he resumes contact how would maintainance payments be addressed.

As neither of us work how would these be worked out and could she claim for the years that there was no contact between them.
Also with hubby not being on the birth certificate of the youngest child would he need a DNA test before this could be done.

My hubby and I have 3 children of our own so we want to make this as stress free for them as possible.

Thank you for any advice that you can give me.

DaisyChainMaker

I would personally suggest your husband writes to his ex to start with. Telephoning can be a bit awkward and due to this it may be difficult for either parent to communicate their concerns properly. He could just say that he wants contact with his child\children but only if they want it too.

With regards to the maintenance payments I am suprised he is not already contributing to their keep. I think this is a seperate issue though and if the ex wants to put a claim through the csa then she is of course entitled to do so whether your husband is seeing his children or not.

Best of luck xx

Loopy_Girl

I don't think that he should phone to be honest - 8 years is a long long time to be out of children's lives and then just to pick up the phone when he has decided that contact should be re-established, I feel would be a shock for everyone involved. I feel a letter to the Mum would be a much better option. Give his contact details and let her reciprocate the contact (after she has picked herself up off the floor!)

I also think that he should be prepared for a hard time from the PWC. There is no excuse to be out of your children's lives for 8 years and presumably he hasn't paid in this time either.
Contact is going to have to be built up over time (and quite rightly so since one if not both of the children have no idea who this man is that has decided to walk into their lives) and it may be that initially that contact will be at the Mum's house - will he be okay with that? Will you?

If there has been no CSA case ongoing then there is no claim for the years that your hubby estranged himself from his children.

If a CSA case was started when contact was made then the CSA can arrange a DNA test although, should paternity be established, your Partner would have to pay for the test.

If you are both not working and have children yourself then I would actually doubt whether any payment would be due from the CSA to the PWC - at most it would be £6 odds but they usually don't take from benefit of NRP if there are children in their household.
Morally of course it's a different matter whether your husband feels he should pay for his first 2 children.

This isn't going to be an easy ride I feel. It's been such a long long time for non contact and whilst I always advocate both parents being involved in children's lives, it has to be decided whether this is in the children's best interests. This could turn their worlds upside down and particularly for the eldest as he is at a difficult age.

elaina79

Thank you for your advice. I suppose I should provide a little background to this story.
When the oldest child was born he wasn't being look after properly by the mother and he ended up in hospital. My husband was working alot of odd hours back then too.
The child was taken into care and it was then that they separated. My husband wanted to get the child back into his care and worked closely with social services and when the boy was 6 months old he gained reseidency of him. The mother didnt want to know at this stage.
My hubby was the sole care for a few years and we met when the child was 3 and a half, the mother was in and out of his life for this time too.
Shortly after they both came to england to live with me the mother claimed she was pregnant and that hubby was the father. They were living in the same flat at the time due to her no being happy in her own flat and my hubby being too soft said she could stay with them.
Anyway the 2nd child was born and we decided to move back to scotland so the eldest could have contact with his brother and also to try and get a relationship with his mum too.
This started to go well until she decided that she wanted to have the eldest child back. To cut a long story short the court awarded this and she then decided that she didnt want my husband to see them anymore.
He fought through the courts but his own health was deteriorating and he couldn't carry on.
He was eventually diagnosed with a mental illness and he now has treatment and is doing really well.

Ever since that day he has wanted to resume contact but doesnt want the children to be stuck in the middle like they were. He looked after his son until he was 5 then suddenly he was taken away.

I have already told my husband that I will support him in whatever way I can, its horrible to see him every christmas and fathers day knowing he has a bit missing in his life. He tries to hide it from our kids but sometimes he just can't. Our oldest 2 know they have other siblings but we haven't said anything else.

So would it be best to write to them directly or go through solicitors.

gratefulforhelp_2

From a parent's point of view, write the letter and wait patiently for a response.

Has he thought how incredibly disruptive this may be for the children, regardless of his own needs. Father's Day (and similar) are just a marketing opportunity. Nothing really to do with being a parent.

Has he considered how the forcing of a DNA test on a child of 9, and the fallout from the results, may affect that child?

He should only go ahead if he is confident he can manage this sensitively. Does he really want to force the issue of parental responsibility for a child he hardly/doesn't know?

As for maintenance, matters of maintenence should not be mixed with matters of contact.

Finally, have you carefully considered how this will affect your own children?

elaina79

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

From a parent's point of view, write the letter and wait patiently for a response.

Has he thought how incredibly disruptive this may be for the children, regardless of his own needs. Father's Day (and similar) are just a marketing opportunity. Nothing really to do with being a parent.

Has he considered how the forcing of a DNA test on a child of 9, and the fallout from the results, may affect that child?

He should only go ahead if he is confident he can manage this sensitively. Does he really want to force the issue of parental responsibility for a child he hardly/doesn't know?

As for maintenance, matters of maintenence should not be mixed with matters of contact.

Finally, have you carefully considered how this will affect your own children?

He has thought of nothing else. I feel though he can't win either way. If he tries to get contact there is the possible disruption to all the children but if he doesn't then he is branded a bad father for not trying.

He isn't going to force the issue of the DNA test, it was just a query as to whether it would be needed for any reason.
If it came back he isn't the childs father then there will be serious repercussions as she has always maintained that he is.

I think he just wants to know how the children are doing and that they are OK.
He is worried about how it will affect our family too.

Loopy_Girl

Agree with gratefulforhelp that a letter is written direct to the Mother and you/him see if there is a response.

Am sympathetic to your husband's illness but I still maintain that 8 years is a very long time to have no contact. Personally I think that he should prepare himself that the Mother may take the view that it is not in the best interests of the children to have their Father walk back into their lives after such a huge gap and that he has missed the boat for contact and that he may have to wait until the boys are old enough to make their own decisions.

elaina79

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

Agree with gratefulforhelp that a letter is written direct to the Mother and you/him see if there is a response.

Am sympathetic to your husband's illness but I still maintain that 8 years is a very long time to have no contact. Personally I think that he should prepare himself that the Mother may take the view that it is not in the best interests of the children to have their Father walk back into their lives after such a huge gap and that he has missed the boat for contact and that he may have to wait until the boys are old enough to make their own decisions.

I'm sure that I read somewhere that in scoltand they take the views of the child into account if they are over 12 which he is.

So if a mother says to a father "you are not seeing your kids anymore" then there is nothing that can be done. Yes he did leave it along time but he didnt think it was fair to have the kids in that environment. He just want to know how they are doing does he have any rights at all.

Mojisola

In the meantime while this gets sorted out he could try something I've seen recommended - put together a box for each child. It could contain an explanation of what lead up to the present situation. Don't be critical about their mother's behaviour - put the sequence of events as objectively as possible. On their birthdays and at other special times, put a card in, dated so the children will know when it was for. Add a kind of diary - any time he's particularly thinking of them, write and say that. If letters are sent to the mother, put a copy in both boxes.

He will have some outlet to express the feelings he has for the children. At some point in the future, he will be able to give them their boxes and they will know that their father had them in his thoughts even if he wasn't able to be with them. Depending on their age when he gives them their boxes, he can give it all in one go or, if they are still young, he can pass the contents on in stages.

gratefulforhelp_2

elaina79 wrote: »

I'm sure that I read somewhere that in scoltand they take the views of the child into account if they are over 12 which he is.

So if a mother says to a father "you are not seeing your kids anymore" then there is nothing that can be done. Yes he did leave it along time but he didnt think it was fair to have the kids in that environment. He just want to know how they are doing does he have any rights at all.

Not saying he mustn't see them and actually the child has the rights not the parents.

But we are saying he should carefully consider the impact of any decision he takes.

elaina79

Mojisola wrote: »

In the meantime while this gets sorted out he could try something I've seen recommended - put together a box for each child. It could contain an explanation of what lead up to the present situation. Don't be critical about their mother's behaviour - put the sequence of events as objectively as possible. On their birthdays and at other special times, put a card in, dated so the children will know when it was for. Add a kind of diary - any time he's particularly thinking of them, write and say that. If letters are sent to the mother, put a copy in both boxes.

He will have some outlet to express the feelings he has for the children. At some point in the future, he will be able to give them their boxes and they will know that their father had them in his thoughts even if he wasn't able to be with them. Depending on their age when he gives them their boxes, he can give it all in one go or, if they are still young, he can pass the contents on in stages.

That is a really good idea. Thank you so much for that :T

I really do hope that one day he can give them those boxes.