Upset by daughter's behaviour: update

Newly_retired

It's not just sister/sister, it's sister/brother too. My granddaughter is a real pain to her younger brother. When her mum gets upset about it I just remind her that she was as nasty to her little brother too. She doesn't believe me of course.

scaredy_cat

can you use the 'supernanny' naughty seat technique and also the confiscation of a treasured item for a week?

If you say to her that she'll be punished, you need to carry though.

my sister once threatened to cut my throat over not going to get some apples for the evening meal. until she left home and married we didn't get on.

LittleTinker

The older one might be jealous of the younger sister.....even though you might not realise it or even see why she should be jealous.

When you tell her off and then comfort the younger sister you are 'confirming' for the older one what she had thought.....which is that she always gets told off and her sister always gets cuddles. Its self fulfilling.

What you need to do to stop it is to not tell the older one off for her bad behaviour and not cuddle the younger one.
Instead, use distraction techniques.........so just ignore all squabbles and fights........and when you hear a problem starting call to them "Hey you two....fancy playing snakes and ladders?".......that kind of thing....and get them playing together.

Lifting up the eldests dress to humiliate her will make the problem much worse.....not only will she resent her little sister and be jealous of her, she will also being to resent you and realise that her parents are not to be trusted as they make her feel bad.....and a parent should not ever do that.

bonty44

I think a lot of it is to do with such LONG summer holidays!!! And I'm a teacher! I'd prefer 2 weeks at half-term and 3 at Easter ...

greenval

Just a thought, I don't have children but have been one myself. If the older daughter did this to anyone other than her Sister i.e child at school,young relative etc. would it be regarded as acceptable. It's easy to say 'Oh it happened to me' but does it make it acceptable behaviour.
There should be some sanction so that she realises this is not how to behave.

adea

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and sharing your ideas.
I will have a chat with the eldest and see what comes of that.
The youngest does have her moments of winding up her sister, we know she's not totally innocent on all counts.
They often split and go play with their own friends, we don't force them to play together.
It's not all bad blood between them, they can be so nice to each other, that's why it hurts when it gets mean.
They have seperate clubs, rainbows for youngest and brownies, youth club and cheerleading for the eldest.

I know they do love each other really.:)
When her younger sister and her friend couldn't be found earlier, the eldest and some of her friends went hunting for them and when they were found, the eldest went on "adult mode" and scolded her sister because she was worried about her!

Little Tinker- I did feel bad about doing that to her but at the time I felt it was the only way to get her to understand what her sister had gone through.
I do feel there may be some jealousy and I am going to talk to her later, on her own and see if we can sort things out.
The youngest one doesn't always get cuddles and the eldest isn't always told off.
Both my husband and myself wait until we have heard both sides of the story before apportioning blame and giving a punishment.

Scaredy Cat - I always carry out my threats and we have done so on previous occassions with both girls and it shocked them as they thought I wouldn't!

Thank you all for your advice.
I feel much better now and have given my eldest a kiss and cuddle when she has briefly come in from playing!
I always say to both my girls when they have misbehaved and upset me with their behaviour, I will always love and you and I do but it's your behaviour which I don't like and uspets me.
I reassure them that I will always love them but at times I don't like what they do.

delain

starrystarry wrote: »

:eek:

Perhaps my sisters weren't so bad after all!

Apparently my uncle hit my mum with a 3 pin plug! :eek: and I remember pushing my brother into a patch of stinging nettles as tall as him. I'd have been 7 ish he'd have been 5 ish.

It happens in all families, just keep telling your eldest it's wrong!

ciderwithrosie_2

I thought all brothers and sisters treated each other like this tbh. We were pretty vile children, me and my two older brothers and would do anything to belittle, humilate, tease and cause pain to each other on a daily basis. My best friend had to share a room with her two sisters and they all hated each other with a passion too. I'm not saying it's right to happen but my parents were pretty strict and still couldn't stop us doing it.

You'll be relieved to know we all grew up to love and respect one another (but not until we'd left home) and didn't turn into bullies or delinquents.

regards CWR

devildog

I am an eldest, with two younger sisters, get on great with the younger one but not so with the one in the middle, never have done and never will(youngest one doesn't either)(don't speak at all)Looking back I wondered if it was because I was jealous and what I perceived was going on was actually correct. A few years back someone who knew whole family turned around and stated that it was obvious that middle one was the favoured one.
So many times I was told off for things she had started/done, never was I listened too, so never believed. She did all the humiliating and upsetting yet always got away with it. I could write pages and pages of examples-but I will not
Obviously(because of history) I am going to be looking at this from your eldests point of view but it appears that your youngest is very much the little angel who does nothing wrong and the eldest is lashing out. How are you going to teach her things are wrong if you turn around and do the very same thing back to her??
Incidently, middle sis now does exactly the same to her kids resulting in them not getting on. I have tried so hard to treat mine equally regarding everything and they have never fallen out(believe it or not, ever)

Evansangel

I had a similar problem, but it was my younger sister hitting me! :eek:

She has thrown a knife at me, cut my fingers with scissors when i pointed at her. She's hit me, kicked me, punched me.

She once smashed the glass in my bedroom door.

One day i punched her back, was aiming for her jaw and got her nose (im a terrible aim). Blacked both her eyes and she left me alone after that (for a while anyway!)

I think that it happens with sisters, and they grow out of it. Me and my sis are best friends now. But then again, she does live in another city