Upset by daughter's behaviour: update

adea

My eldest daughter 8, has upset me again today.
I'm fed up with how she is treating her younger sister who is 6 nearly 7.(16 month age gap)
Eldest has been doing anything she can to hurt her sister.
She has often slyly stuck her hand/ foot out when sister has walked past, just to hurt her, or thrown something to deliberately hurt her.
Today she decided to upset and humiliate her sister in front of other children that they both play with.
Youngest came in crying her eyes out and after she calmed down, I managed to get the reason why.
Her big sister decided to pull up the bottom of the dress younger sister was wearing and ask everyone to guess what was under there.
I was furious when I found out:mad: I spoke to eldest who didn't deny it but just said "well they didn't really see anything."
So I forced eldest dd outside and then did to her what she did to her sister (but didn't pull the dress up fully)
She didn't like it being done to her and I didn't like doing it, but i'm sick of her hurting her sister and have told her that she will get back from me or her dad, what she does to her sister (just not hitting her)
It upsets me to see how she treats her sister, especially since her sister never does anything like that to her.:(
It's not something that has just happened over the summer holidays either, it's being going on for a few years.
I just don't know what to do, well, I have a few ideas, including grounding her and banning her from computer game, having sweets etc.
Oh, and when I asked her if she had apologised to her sister, the response was "I didn't know I had to!"

starrystarry

Rather than punishing the older girl, have you tried to get to the bottom of why she's doing these things? Is there an element of jealousy? Does she think the younger girl gets more attention? There might be a reason for it, which could make it easier to address. The reason might seem small/petty to you, but to an 8 year old it might seem hugely important.

By the way, I have 2 sisters and when we were younger we did far worse than lift each others dresses up! My younger sister hit me over the head with a chair once. We survived.

Lyger

Not a parent myself - but I remember my older sister doing things like that to me when I was little (14 month gap between us).

All I can say is keep up with the discipline when she steps out of line as you are doing, and always make her apologise! Hate to say it though, but even with my Dad making my older sister do things like that when she was horrible to me, she didn't really stop picking on me until she grew out of it at around 17.

We get on great now, and are pretty close since we don't live in the same house any more! And her main reasoning for it at the time was to show off to our friends. She's very sorry about it all now though, of course!

adea

starrystarry wrote: »

Rather than punishing the older girl, have you tried to get to the bottom of why she's doing these things? Is there an element of jealousy? Does she think the younger girl gets more attention? There might be a reason for it, which could make it easier to address. The reason might seem small/petty to you, but to an 8 year old it might seem hugely important.

Often when we ask her why she did something, the reposnse is a shrug of the shoulders or I don't know and we can't get beyond that.:undecided

**confuzzled**

Thats sisters for you!! Me n my sis(15months between us) went through a stage of hating each other from around age 7/8 til we moved out..didn't help that we had to share a bedroom either:eek: My poor parents:o:p

My sister was the same as your eldest(she's the older one) and bullied me something rotten....dunno why she did it other than sibling rivalry which is odd as we both dote on our younger brother:) There's not much you can do apart from trying to find a reason for it, you could also tell your youngest to do it back to her and see how she likes it!
Do they get one 1-2-1 time with you & dad? that might help?

But I do recommend making her say sorry to the younger one at the time of the incident...this used to make my sister squirm a heck of a lot more than me doing anything back to her:rotfl:

Now sit back and enjoy watching them tear pieces out of each other...it'll only get worse as they get older:eek::rotfl:

FWIW I love my sister to bits now but think thats more to do with the 2hour drive between our houses

helliesin

if it makes you feel any better, my sister once stabbed me in the throat with a fork in a dispute over setting the table! we are best friends now. And my aunties did a whole heap of mean things to my mum, including putting her in a dustbin, tying the lid on and leaving her there, and putting her on top of the letter box and leaving her up there for hours! I know its horrible, but it is normal and I am sure she will grow out of it. In the mean time I would perservere with the punishments, and praise when she is nice to her sister.

starrystarry

adea wrote: »

Often when we ask her why she did something, the reposnse is a shrug of the shoulders or I don't know and we can't get beyond that.:undecided

If you ask her about it immediately after the incident I'm not surprised that all you get is a shrug of the shoulders. Too much emotion going on just then (you'll be angry, your youngest will be crying, your eldest will be feeling defensive). You might get more from her if you talk to her the following day, or at a time when everything has calmed down and she doesn't feel like she's being told off. I wouldn't ask her directly why she hit her sister/tripped her up/pulled her dress up etc, just encourage her to talk about her sister, how she feels about her etc.

starrystarry

helliesin wrote: »

if it makes you feel any better, my sister once stabbed me in the throat with a fork in a dispute over setting the table!

:eek:

Perhaps my sisters weren't so bad after all!

purplepardalis

Instead of just disciplining you could try talking to them about how lovely it is to have a sister, how much they love each other and how important it is to be friends and support one another. You could add in about always having a playmate, sharing toys (and getting twice the number of things to play with if they do).

We've had to do this recently with my step sons (aged 7 and 10) and I have to say it did cut down a lot of the punching, winding up and general annoying each other.

butler_helen

I remember when I was little I was expected to share everything, friends, books, time with parents, everything. So I got angry sometimes- might your daughter just need time on her own with her friends or you? I also remember getting the blame for being physically 'naughty' when my sister had said something she shouldn't have - one particular moment was her telling all my friends I'd had bit lotion the night before- not a big deal now but it was horrible at the time. Might your littlest be provoking her?

Like all the other posters, my sister and I haven't had an argument since were 18- so don't panic just yet!

gratefulforhelp_2

Try to hide your upset, stay really calm and give a sanction for each event as soon as possible after it.

Are you certain that each thing reported by your younger daughter has actually happened?