helping kids cope with peer pressure , advice please

ilovebooks_2

Hi, this is the first time I have ever posted in any chat forum so I hope I have put this in the right place and that I don't sound daft. I would really appreciate other peoples advice as I don't know anyone else that feels the same I as do.
My three kids have asked for quite expensive gifts this year, Nintendo DS's. I will get them but I can't afford to get them anything else. Every year their requests are getting more and more and I am getting in my debt. My three kids 10, 8 and 6 are lovely but they are very aware of what other kids have and they don't. My 10 year old especially, nearly all of her friends have mobile phones and she doesn't. 2 of her friends have birthdays coming up and the parents are hiring out places for their kids parties and she wants me to do the same for her. I dread buying these kids gifts as I know last year one of the spoilt brats (sorry) just looked at her present from my daughter and then ignored it don't think she even said thank you. Daughter was most upset.
I would appreciate any advice on what you think it is acceptable to spend on kids for christmas, birthday and how you cope with their demands and peer pressure. Thanks

funky-footprints

im sure you will get lots of advice. I cant realy answer you as my two are only 5 & 3, we havnt reached the peer pressure stage yet.

Thankfully most of my sons friends in school come from families similar to us ..... they all had a big 5th birthday party (first year in school) which was a blessing in a way for us as we had a joint do with a class mate who was 5 the same week ..with just class room mates the cost was halved. we hired a hall (village hall only £15) and bouncy castle and played party games, we split the catering 50/50.

This year we have said to my son just the boys in your class ..there are 7 of them ... we are off bowling (trying to work out cheapest offer) and home for tea, but we may pick up a happy meal !!! some of his other mates have had one or two over for a sleep over .... or taken some mates to the cinema on special offer saturday morning, they do seem to be keeping things nice and small thank goodness.

christmas they havnt realy ever asked for anything so again ...am so dreading that next stage !!! my son (5) doesnt even know what a play station or nintendo is ..lol !! we did have a get together last week ..us mums and have a run though of requests ..and the boys all seem to be getting the same theme of power rangers !

ruthyjo

It's acceptable to spend what you can afford.

With regard to the xmas presents would they settle for gameboys? Now that the ds has come out these seem to be getting heavily reduced? My kids have the ds but the games are so expensive that they are mostly playing gba games anyway as I'm too mean (or sensible) to pay £30 for a game. If you do end up buying thee ds consoles try and buy different bundles for the three kids and at least that way there'll be a bit of a variety of games in the house and they can swop, ather than you being pestered for more games straight away. I'd do this as soon as possible as the best bundles always sell out nearer to xmas.

My 10 year old would love a mobile phone, but he can't have one because aside from cost I'm not taking that health risk with him. If it's cost alone that means your daughter hasn't got one they are often offered on freecycle. My mums phone was recently stolen and my sister passed one on locked to another network. Took me about ten minutes to find instructions on internet to unlock for free. Sure you could do similar with a passed on phone. If she just wants to play games and send the occasional text that might not be too expensive to sort out. Of couse it will probably be the wrong phone - would they spot that at ten?

Your daughter's friends don't sound like they deserve any effort to get nice presents for them, but I find books from the book people or red house often look very generous compared to actual cost. Other than that if you can afford to maybe try and buy a few bits in the sales to put away for the year ready for presents. That way you can give nice presents at little cost.

Could you do a sleepover for her birthday? A dvd, popcorn and supermarket pizzas etc shouldn't cost as much and I think would be cooler by the time you get to ten to have that anyway.

It is hard to cope with peer pressure. If you want your kids to have the same as everyone else at lower cost this site is ideal as all sorts of bargains and advice get flagged up here so my advice would be keep reading. However I just give my children my honest feelings on a lot of things. I get what I can see is really important to them but other than that they have to live with my values.

homersimpson_3

peer pressure for children (or adults) can be very powerful- you need to be honest with your children as to what you can afford and what can they have. explain your income is not as high as the other parents. you could buy all the presents and latest gadgets in the world but all that would be pointless if you're in so much debt as a result you can't feed and clothe them. can you ask relatives to say club together to buy them the expensive stuff? can you pay some and children use some of pocket money etc? gadgets likely to be cheaper in Jan sales (if they can wait)-do a search in forums for mobile phone deals- loads of threads or try freecycle.

BernadetteN

I don't know if you'd find my advice at all helpful but as a family we just live by our own values and expect our children to live by them too. We don't go OTT on birthdays, parties or Christmas. We like the children to know the value of money, the gift of giving and being thankful, the respect for their world.

Last Christmas for example, I sold things on ebay and raised £300 which was spent on Christmas presents for our family of 6. We spent in total an average of £50 each child and they had just one present each. I'd call that Christmas a generous one. The Christmas previous to that, we bought the eldest 2 gameboys (our first foray into electronic addictive toys) and got them from ebay for £40 at a time when they were retailing in the UK for £90.

Our kids don't get the latest of anything, don't have mobiles, don't have an xbox or PS2, don't have their own laptops. They are so used to this that we don't really suffer peer pressure too much and we don't have to say no too often. I think it also helps that they are not alone in their school classes although they are in the minority - I can think of 2 children in the eldest child's class alone who have the latest of everything before everyone else and they are spoilt, rude and quite dislikeable as children. I think it also helps if the children don't watch much CITV or other commercial TV stations so they don't have so much exposure to the latest things.

PS our kids are 10, 8, 4 and 1 so only the eldest 2 are really exposed to peer pressure.

ilovebooks_2

Hi Thank you for your replies. My daughter wants a DS, son wants a GBA sp and little son wants anything with batteries and remote control but I like to spend roughly the same on each of them. Kids already have gameboys so at least they will still be able to play some of their games on the new consoles. Your right about the health risk, not to mention they are likely to get beaten up for their phone, I just don't agree with her having one so young but it's the norm at her school to have one. Thanks for your suggestions (buy her friends books! Why did I not think of that? LOL! Very good idea. Sleep over suggestion good too. I only found the chat forums recently but I really enjoy reading them and the advice given, I need to thoroughly explore this site. Thanks very much

inkie

OUr kids are very aware at what they do have - and rather than compare themselves with the other more affluent people, they compare themselves with those who have very little. My 10 year old is learning the art of budgeting and how much things cost, and loves to make any money that she gets work real hard.

I would argue that rather than the parents of peers having higher income, they have a much higher level of debt.

Janepig

My two are three and eight months, and I thought they were both too young for peer pressure, but DD started school a week last Thursday and by the following Wednesday was asking if Sion Corn (welsh for Father Christmas) could bring her a big bag like her friend Siwan (who'd only started in the school the day before, although DD knew her previously). Not only that but a Dora the Explorer bag - my DD never watches Dora the Explorer. Also, they aren't allowed to take anything to school when they're in Nursery and no packed lunches so she doesn't need a bag. But there you go, it starts earlier and earlier.

Anyway, my friends who have older children, say over the age of about six, seem to be celebrating birthdays by taking three or four of their children's closest friends out to bowling or the cinema or for a meal. DD went to a friend's party earlier this year and without going into details it was fairly obvious that the mother was working to a very tight budget for the party. But that's okay, those are her circumstances, DD enjoyed as did the birthday girl and seemingly all the other kids. If people want to look down on someone who's just trying to do their child the best party they can then that's their problem.

As far as Christmas goes, I know it's probably too late for this year but a good idea is to put money away every month specifically for Christmas. I know it sounds obvious but I don't think that many people do it. I also save my Clubcard vouchers specifically for food goodies at Christmas and we also start buying one special item a week (choccies, etc) from about October on when we go shopping. I'm keeping my Boots points - around £56 so far - for presents as well. I'm not spending the same on my two even though I will when they're older - presents for a three year old cost alot more than an eight month old who is playing with all his sister's old toys anyway.

When I was a child there were loads of the latest things I didn't have because my mother didn't agree with "keeping up with the Joneses" for the sake of it. I hated it at the time and felt I was missing out, although I did used to have lots of nice stuff, but now I feel the same with my children. I hate all this competitiveness and getting things just to be like everyone else. So what if lots of kids DD's age have telly's in their bedrooms. I think it's bad for them and I'm not going to do it.

Jxxx

pinkpie

my oldest 2 are 17 and 15 so perhaps I can offer some advice having gone through this phase and come out the other side.

I was always honest with them about what I could afford and stressed the importance of being an individual from a very early age. I'm not saying it's easy as it can be really hard to say no but my 2 have learnt the value of money and now both work on Saturday and have great pleasure in earning things. they have a more individual dress style from being creative with what they have and are pleased not to be like a cloned label clad teen.

At times their friends were handed hundreds of pounds by their parents yet couldn't really think what to spend it on - there's nothing sadder than a 13 year old buying things they don't really want just to show off.

I always found that the richest families spent the least on presents at other kids birthday parties because they didn't feel they had to make a point whereas others seemed to want to compete. I set the amount of £5 and bought the best I could with that.

even now I set my kids presents at £30 for birthday and Christmas - there's nothing wrong with learning to save up yourself with bigger items so everyone in the extended family gives cash and they get 1 thing with all their money.

another issue to watch out for is the so-called "reward" for passing exams - some of my oldest's friends got £500 for GSCE results but we had fish and chips instead to celebrate - as my Mum told me, passing is reward enough in itself!!

jellyhead

you might be able to pick up cheap DS's (DSes? how do you pluralise DS? lol!) second hand at xmas because they will be bringing out a new console (wii? pronounced nintendo wee according to my husband) at the start of december.
i bought one for spud because tesco had a really generous offer with clubcard points, and they took loads of nappy coupons towards it too. it was a present for him from the new baby. since then of course the DS lite came out and that's what everyone got for their birthdays/xmas etc. but he's happy with what he's got and that's what makes me think he's not a spoiled kid.

i know everyone is right to say don't give in to peer pressure but if you want to try to give 'better' gifts without spending more it might be worth joining pigsback. for me it's worth logging in once a week to click links and answer a few questions, getting a couple of £10 boots vouchers per year is a nice treat. this thread about it is 80 pages long http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=252457&highlight=pigsback
but a new one is started every so often, and the info is all updated on the first page so you needn't read the whole lot if you don't want to.

also, i use tesco clubcard points for deals. we don't live far from alton towers so we use our points to buy tickets. on spud's birthday we go there for the day and will take one or 2 of his friends. we get lunch at mcdonalds and it's a cheap day out but has lots of kudos among the kids at school :rotfl:

Anniek1969

I have 3 girls 13,11 and 3 and there is a lot of peer pressure out there but I suppose i'm lucky as my older 2 have very independent views on things and don't try to be like everyone else. I do have a nephew who's an only child and his mothers aim in life is to buy him every new toy that comes out and every new type of training shoes but he doesn't care as long as he's got his xbox and a 3yr old niece who's also an only child and causes so much trouble that they had to cancel their order in a restaurant (lucky they can afford to take her to restaurants) and is so spoiled that she hates it when anyone else gets any attention, so much so that she has had 2 bad reports this week alone in nursery for her bad behaviour. So in my experience money really can't buy love and if you love your kids and don't run out and buy them everything they see on tv and teach them the value of things then that's what's important. You will often find that the kids who have all these new toys are from homes where the parent buy them as they feel guilty for not spending enough time with their kids. I know some people will not agree with this but the 2 kids in my family that I was speaking of both parents work and when they've got time off they want to have a night out and get a babysitter so they buy the kid something new to make themselves feel less guilty. Your kids will enjoy whatever you buy them and I alway tell mine that christmas is a time to be grateful for what you have and to remember those that don't have a loving happy family like them.