Financial embarrassment on sons 18th birthday

stars_bright

My son was 18 a few days ago and had a great birthday. We spent £500 and bought him a car from someone I know, we thought we had really done him proud with that and we also lent him the money to pay for the insurance. We don't earn a lot of money between us but I think we manage it quite well ( thanks to this site). Anyway, my brother and his wife are pretty well off - being a teacher and a GP helps. They sent my son a cheue for £200 for his birthday. Of course my son was delighted but this has left us with a pronlem. My mephew will br 18 next year and my neice 18 soon after. As my brother sent my son £200 it would seem right to send my nepehew and neice the same amount of money. But, we are not in a position to do this. my 13 year old daughter would love to go on a school trip but we cannot afford to send her on one, if we could spare £400 for my nephew and neice we would want to spend it on giving her that opportunity, whereas my brother and sister in law are always sending my nephew and neice on school trips abroad and going on holidays abroad.
I don't feel that I can talk to my brother about it because we don't get on all that well, which makes it even more embarrassing that he has sent my son all this money. Any advice to what to do when it comes to my nephew and neices 18th's ?

freda

Any advice to what to do when it comes to my nephew and neices 18th's ?

FWIW, IMHO a cheque for £200 is all well and good, but doesn't show much thought and consideration about the actual reason behind giving a gift, i.e. to demonstrate your love, affection, care, understanding and connection with the birthday person. Its just money.

I'd suggest on your neice and nephew's birthday sending them something that really reflects them as people, what they value and enjoy and the fact that you are family. For example, a home made, nicely presented, family tree with photos, stories and dates. A small silver item with an engraving on it with a name and date. A hamper of student goodies (if they are off to uni/leaving home), i.e. baked beans, pots and pans, pasta, home made recipe book of your fave recipes incl cocktails! A home made CD of music that they like and music that you like, sharing your tastes (buy the tracks off the internet to avoid copyright).

Do you see what I mean? Money is money and if you have it, it takes very little thought indeed to write a cheque and post it off. Presents with real, true thought behind them are more meaningful, and won't be forgotten.

headcovers

Has your son or you thanked them formally for the gift yet? Because that is the time to lay the foundation for preparing them for not getting reciprocal gifts.

It's a little difficult when you don't want to talk to your brother, but you need to somehow communicate how thoughtful their gift was, but that it was far too much.

You need to state at the same time that you would never be in such a financial position as to donate that kind of money as a gift and that this makes you feel all the more grateful for what they have done. Then you ask what they think would be a suitable 18th gift for their own children. If they are any kind of human being they should get the message and give you the get out clause of suggesting something that might be more within your means.

funky-footprints

i dont think you need to send them the equivalent or a cheque for that matter. My godmother never bought me expensive pressies but she never forgot me .. which to me is what mattered. my god father was never around, I barely know the guy, but on my 18th, 21st and our wedding he bought extortionate gifts ..its didnt reflect our relationship at all. I know my godmother was realy annoyed by the gifts he bought me as she said she couldnt afford to compete ..but even at 18 i knew it wasnt about the competition .. and I told her how i feel about her and what i feel about him.

I also feel that you dont need to explain to your brother that the gift was too much etc, (after all he is your brother !!) your son can i am sure in his own way say thankyou for thier generosity.

x

ruthyjo

Perhaps your brother sent the money because he is aware how useful it will be to your son and has no expectations of seeing any similar return. I don't want to sound like Lady Bountiful, but amongst my many nieces and nephews I have one set who for a variety of reasons have a lot less than the rest. I always make sure to give them generous birthday/Xmas presents because I know they actually need them and would go without otherwise. I do not expect their mum to buy my children anything; my children have plenty anyway. I've never made it explicit that I don't want money spent on my kids in return, but when she has asked what to buy in the past I've always given very explicit instructions on a gift that I can be sure can be bought for less than a couple of pounds e.g. this book is £1.99 on Red House, here is a free p and p code, or he needs this handwriting pen for school.

Counting_Pennies_2

This is something that occurred with my god son.

I have several god children and have always bought them the minimum amount of premium bonds as a long term gift for my god children. When it came to my most recent god child, I did the same for him.

I think it shocked his parents, and they called to refuse the gift. I insisted and said that it was something I set up a long time ago for my god children and wanted to treat them equally, and to see it as some long term fun to watch out for the numbers each month.

When it came to my son being born and them being god parents, they gave him a beautiful gift, and I didn't think in the slightest about what I had given their son, in fact I had forgotten about it until I had read this thread.

People give according to their means. I gave what I gave because that is the precedent I had set and I started it because a member of my inlaws received premium bonds as their Christening gift and it has been a cause for fun each month and also a good incentive for the child to save as they go through their childhood seeing the rewards that came be reaped.

What I am trying to say is that I didn't give in order to receive, and what they did give my son was very special because it came from them, and they chose it.

If you want to 'warn them' (I can't think of the right word) that it won't be possible to match their gift, I would say try writing a separate thank you note to the one your son is going to send, and say that it was exceptionally generous, and if you were able you wish you would be able to match the gift, but that you hope they understand that a gift of lesser monetary value will be sent to celebrate their children's birthdays, and if they prefer silver or gold jewellery, or if they are into anything special at the moment you would love to know.

Hope that helps

inkie

There is no need to send them a reciprocal cheque. You state that there income is bigger than yours, therefore they can afford to be more generous - nobody asked them to give this amount, they chose to, and therefore it is your choice to give a gift for your neice and nephew when the time comes , of your choice.

I am sure that a well thought-out gift, where it is clear that time and effort has gone into selecting it (regardless of value), will be greatley appreciated.

Ivrytwr3

£200 as a prezzie? Yes it is a substantial amount of cash, but to me that is an easy option. My dad, every year, since i got a bit older send me a cheque as a Xmas prezzie and it bugs the t1ts out of me! I spend time carefully selecting what i can buy him. To me it's the thought of giving and seeing the expression on the persons face when they see how much thought you have put into their gift.

What i am trying to say is, get something that they will appreciate and treasure and will be with them for a lot longer than £200 will!

I 've seen nice engraved champagne flutes, chuck in a bottle of champagne too if you're feeling generous!

http://www.a1trophies.com/

Agutka

They gave your son £200, which means their own kids will receive more than that. So you don't need to worry, their wallets will be satisfied - just get them something they want to show your love.
As to how to deal with your brother, send him a card to thank him for his generous gift, so he realises you don't have that kind of money to give away. Is he aware that you're not brimming with wealth? Then he shouldn't expect anything like this for his kid's birthdays.

BTW, I hope your son appreciates these gifts - and gives his sister lifts...

pinkpie

If you want to give money I think you have to look at it practically as i do in this situation - what relative percentage of their salary is £200?

If they both earn a good professional salary and their income is for example 80k a year and yours is 20k, then you should feel able to give £50 as you only earn 25% of their salary.

bubbles_2

If you are trying to avoid the embarrassment factor and just cannot be honest about not being able to afford to return the gift of that amnount, just buy them a gift that it would be hard to put a price on.. for instance jewellery..i never know how much someone spends when i get that!! Also, it would make a much nicer keepsake gift?